Saturday, November 16, 2013

Blue (boo hoo) Cheese

Bring on the sushi and the deli meat and all the soft cheese you can think of.  I'm going to guzzle caffeine and alcohol and I'm going to like it.  Right now I'm sitting on the couch drinking a rum and diet coke and eating raw cookie dough with a side of sashimi (I'm really not but I could if I wanted to).  So there pregnant people, SO THERE.

It's fine, we don't want any babies up here anyway.  I mean why would we?  They aren't cute or snuggly or life-fulfilling or anything, right?!  You hear me Universe?  Don't you send me those babies because I'm too busy eating my blue cheese undercooked burger.

Ugh.

I'm having a hard time these days trying to figure out that perfect little balance of optimism and realistic expectations and attainable goals.  Is it too much to ask to get pregnant and finally finally get some babies up in here?  Maybe it is.  Maybe I've got to stop asking and start letting it all go with the flow.  But we all know how well this little control freak does with the letting go.

Lately I'm grasping for signs.  Signs that my body can work the way its supposed to (it appears that with a few medications it definitely can), signs that I'm making the right adulty choices, signs from God that I'm in the right place, signs that fat rolly polly babies are in my future.  I have a cramp - that's a sign!  I saw a baby and didn't burst in to tears - its a sign!  My mom dreamt I was pregnant - definitely a sign. I'm hungry, i'm tired, i'm emotional, i'm happy - signs signs signs.  Perhaps the problem is that it appears the signs are in another language.  One I clearly don't speak.  In fact I'm pretty sure the signs are in hieroglyphics and I don't have the key...no way to translate them.

So I've decided to stop praying for signs and instead start praying for clarity and patience and peace.  I'm the queen of telling other people that "things will work out" that there are "divine plans for all of us" that things will always "come to pass as they should"  and yet I'm clearly not honoring that belief myself.

So I'm making a change.  This month we're letting it all go and in turn letting it all come.  I'm going to be more gracious, more patient, more loving and more open.  I refuse to let the pessimism take me over - because I'm pretty sure that's not doing me any favors - and it's just not me.

I will be a mother.  Some day.  Some how.

And until then.....

Blue cheese sushi baby!

5 comments:

  1. You sound like my wife when we would take those rare breaks TTC and she could enjoy all her "no-no we are making a baby" taboos.

    I know that NOTHING anyone can say is going to make a difference. We were there. Totally. And I know nothing helped. I will give this little sign, if you will....After 34 months combined of TTC, we ended up pregnant both times that we finally just let go of the idea that it HAD to happen. Not sure if "not caring" or "letting go" alleviated the stress or let Kris' body relax or what, but truly we were on the verge of just giving up and moving on we ended up conceiving that month. I am not sure if you read the post I did about our conception stories (It was posted on September 11th if want to check out), but I also think that Kris getting drunk on some good wine the night that we inseminated with Boo helped a lot so hey maybe a blue cheese burger and some rum and coke AND a vial of sperm might just be the ticket ;)

    Massive baby wishes coming your way!

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  2. Damn it. I'm sorry this round wasn't the one for you guys but you're absolutely right in saying and believing that you will be a mother - because you WILL! I remember feeling the same exact way... 2+ years of waiting, a miscarriage and 7 IUI's later, it finally happened for us. It was going to be the last try for my wife before switching to me and she was at the point where she knew she had no control of it and I think that helped.

    I'm not sure if you read my response to your comment the other day but I would 100% recommend fertility acupuncture. Both G and I agree that that's what finally made the difference for us. In the meantime, have several rum and coke's and plenty of sushi. I have a feeling you won't be able to enjoy that stuff for too much longer. :)

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  3. Thanks You guys! This process is rough and its nice to have people in your corner (and people who have been there!) Taking a break this month - for my sanity (and traveling). I'm calling the acupuncture clinic today!

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    1. Oh yay! I have a really good feeling about it!

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    2. Seija Lappalainen AndersonNovember 22, 2013 at 9:33 PM

      Dearest Sarah, I wish for your every happiness. I'm certain that in the Lord's due time, you will be a mother some day. I'm also sure that your willingness to be a mother, to entrust into your care one of His choice spirits, is something that He looks forward to. He gives us opportunities to learn, and I personally would err on the side of not looking for signs...because of what I have read about what happens to sign-seekers. Your decision to be patient is very wise. It's one of the choicest opportunities to learn to wait and submit to His will. God is there for you,......always. Love you!

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