Thursday, August 3, 2017

He's Earthside! (And I'm Still Here Too!)

Tap Tap Tap.... is this thing on?

Hello Friends!

Well... Apparently I fell off the planet there for awhile... but I've thought of this space often.  I compose blog posts in my head all the time.  And then they get lost in there with the sleep deprivation and the details of every day life with a newborn and toddler.  Oh yeah and a wife.  (and a CRAZY dog...don't worry, cuckoo dog is still going strong)

So what has happened in the last 7ish months you ask?

Oh just a whole lifetimes worth of stuff!

But the most important being that I successfully remained pregnant for 40 weeks and after a very hard labor and somewhat intense delivery our little BOY joined our family!

We've been a family of four for just about 7.5weeks now.  And it has been hard and exhausting and incredible and joyful and just about every other emotion you can imagine.  Our not so little girl has been doing incredibly well adjusting to the roll of big sister.  (Although to be fair, she has definitely been really clingy...)  She loves her baby brother so much.  She comes running through the door after day care each day looking for him!  She likes to give him hugs and bring him toys and talk to him.  She says he talks back...and smiles at her.  And sometimes he really does!

Baby brother (who I believe is going to be called Winston here - as one of my amazing blog friend over at Little Monsters and Mommies says he looks like Winston Churchill...and I kind of agree) is doing pretty well. He's turning into quite a chunk in his 7 week old age.  We struggled quite a bit with colic and probably reflux in the beginning - a rough change from our first born who was a pretty mellow kid.  But he's coming around and we're better equipped after a few weeks.  He really is adorable though, with cheeks for days.  And he's starting to smile - which is amazing because baby girl was NOT a smiley baby!  So I'm really hoping Baby Brother is going to be our chubby smiley kid!

My wife is a champion!  She has been taking care of me and the babies and the furbaby and the house and basically everything else.  The fact that she's still standing after 7 weeks of nonsense - It's pretty incredible!  Newborns are hard on marriage - and we've cried and fought and suffered - but we're most definitely coming out the other side.  And the sunshine on this side of the darkness is DAZZLING.  The future is oh so bright y'all.

I'm doing well, all things considered, I think!  It's been quite a whirlwind of pregnancy and delivery and maternity leave. But as it turns out - my body is the champion of healing (even if it wasn't quite the best at pregnancy/delivery).  And it turns out that I'm still in love with being a mother.  And I still adore my wife and the incredible life we've built.

So that's what's happening over here.  

Birth story to come soon!  Before I forget!  And some updates about this new little nugget that has joined our family.  And maybe a few summer updates before summer disappears (where in the world is the time and this year going?!)

Love to you all!  Glad to be back!


And a sneak peak:

Sunday, January 1, 2017

Light in the Darkness - Aka Goodbye Crappy 2016

Happy 2017 my friends!  

My annual re-cap is a day late and to be honest it hasn't been a banner blogging year for me - especially sparse as of late.  But I have a good reason.

In case you missed the news...

Yep, that's right, little ole me is PREGNANT.  And as it turns out - using a lot of science to create a gayby and then making a human life and managing a toddler and a life really take it out of you.

But, even though I'm terrified for this coming New Year, I'm determined to find the shiny side of this new slate.  So, first a quick recap of my paltry blogging and the highlights of our year and then onto some goals and hopes and dreams for 2017.

So without any further a do... 2016 in a nutshell:

I turned 30!  It turns out that I love 30.  I feel good and settled.  I have a wife I love and a beautiful daughter.  And in honor of being 3 decades SP and I drop baby girl off with my parents and head to mexico for a long weekend.  And it's AMAZING!

I suck at blogging but in my defense February is a short month.  Baby girl turns ONE whole year old!

I finally get around to blogging about baby girl's First Birthday Bash!  It was a perfect celebration of surviving the first year and thanking those who helped us navigate the incredible roller coaster that is parenthood. And somewhere in Feb/March baby girl starts walking!  A whole new crazy world.  We also did a quick run away to the mountains this month and stick baby girl in the snow...she is less than impressed.

I catch up a little bit but the time still keeps flying by.  We have a zoo day with friends and celebrate easter with our little family.  We also throw a bangin baby shower for our dear friends...and just in time because their little one showed up shortly after a tad earlier than expected.  (for the record we are in love with that little nugget - including baby girl who asks for her little friendALL the time!)

We get a housekeeper and life is so much better.  We still have them come in once a month and it seriously has made a huge difference in my happiness level.  We were also supposed to go camping this month but then we all got hand foot and mouth - joy!  Let me tell you what - hand foot and mouth hurts like a you know what!  Don't recommend it!

I finally get my summer bucket list up on the blog - even though I barely did any follow up on it (so much suckiness with the blogging this year!).  We did actually do some of the bucket list - we eventually went camping (end of August), we (aka SP) fixed up our master bathroom, we had several brunches with our friends, I killed my tomato plant... 

June was also secretly when we started trying to make baby number two.  I have a TON of hidden journal entries that I will eventually get around to putting up here.  Let's just say that IVF is no joke and neither is OHSS.  I'm a pro at giving myself shots now...and I'm also a pro at having my blood drawn.

And then Orlando happened.  And the human race broke my heart again.  I still don't have any words to talk about it.  Just tears and sorrow.

At the end of June my parents came to visit and we took baby girl to a little farm and to visit her uncle (but you know...I wrote about it in July)! And then we rapidly followed that up by heading down south to go to a wonderful wedding and spend a week relaxing. Unfortunately this was also when we found out that our first round of IVF had not worked.  It was a rough roller coaster but it was nice to be distracted by the sun and the sand.  And SP and I snuck off for an overnight alone!  

In July baby girl and I also did swimming lessons.  Which.were.awful!  But I'm still glad we did it.  We continued to lie about trying to add a baby to our family ;)  And we babysat a cute baby! 

I suck at blogging.  I go visit some friends in so cal.  I don't say anything about it on the blog because I suck at blogging.  It is a really much needed weekend with some of my most favorite girl friends.  We also go camping - it is hot as you know where.  We also get to do my first shot for IVF #2 in a tent by flashlight...  However baby girl suddenly decides that she loves the water during this camping trip so that's something.

I suck at blogging.  IVF #2 takes place.  On Sept 21st - International Day of Peace - we transfer one embryo.  A week later I get my first EVER positive pregnancy test after a cumulative 3 years of trying.  I spend September at the doctor and being terrified it won't stick.

I suck at blogging.  Also morning sickness.

The election happens.  And once again - heart break.  I kind of spiraled into a dark sadness after that.  And I continue to suck at blogging.

I finally feel solid enough to announce to the world that baby #2 is coming in June!  I do still suck at blogging though.  We had a wonderful Christmas at home just the 3 of us and then we jetted off to the east coast to spend a week with my grandparents and parents and brother and aunt.  It was busy but wonderful to see them all.

And then here we are...

So 2017...what are we going to do with you eh?  Well for one thing, I won't be making any specific resolutions because they just don't really work for me.  I do have a few concrete goals and I have an overarching theme to work on this year as well.

My concrete goals are relatively simple:

  • Send more snail mail!  Send cards for all occasions (ON TIME - that's going to be the real work)  I love snail mail and I know others love it too.  So here's to stimulating the postal service.
  • Read more books.  I've gotten back into it lately, but in general I'd like to spend a little less time tv watching and a little more time feeding my book nerd self.
  • Find a faith community.  I really miss church and how it feeds my spiritual self.  I wouldn't call myself particularly religious anymore (I once was) but I desperately miss some of the rituals and I miss the community.  And I miss the focus on serving others and self betterment and overall love.  I'm still struggling a lot with the round peg square hole situation I've been feeling about religion since I no longer attend the catholic church...but it's high time I find something that fills my soul.
  • Get in the picture.  I'm the quintessential mom behind the camera.  I want to be in the memories too!  And I want to print more pictures and make more photo books.
  • Blog 1x per week.  2017 is going to be a banner year - one way or another. And I want the record.  I miss having the memories down on "paper."  And I miss contributing to the online community.
  • Healthy Baby Healthy Mama. Take care of myself and this little one I'm growing!  Get him/her here safely!

Overall this year I think I'm going to focus on Finding the Light.  I have a lot of fears about the darkness in this world.  And thusly it is time to be light and live light!  I want to prove people wrong with love.  I want to find the small joys.  I want to build love and light around me.  I want to make the best of whatever comes along.  A small crack in the darkness is all it really takes to start a revolution.  It is time to love fiercely and fight even harder.

Be Brave, Live Bright!


Thursday, November 10, 2016

Why I Let Them See Me Cry

Dear Friends,

Yesterday was a very hard day for me.  I know it was also a very hard day for many of my brothers and sisters across this nation.  

I spent Nov 8th in a haze of hopefulness - assured that love and sanity would win.  I took my daughter to the polls with me - so that she could be part of voting for our 1st woman president.

And then as the night wore on and I sat with my wife in our living room watching the results unfold the tears came with a vengeance. I sobbed into my wife's chest about my fears for our family and our friends and our daughters. I tried to sleep that night, but honestly there wasn't much of that.  

And then next morning, when my alarm went off in the dark, I pried myself out of bed and carried on.  I hugged my sweet darling daughter who delighted in her pancake.  I kissed my wife.  And I let the tears come.  

I pulled it together enough to get my daughter to daycare and get myself to work (although no lie my coworker and I cried on the way to work) But once I got there I just could not hold it together.  The tears and the fears and the feelings they just had to come out.  I knew I needed to suck the tears back in since I had coworkers and faculty and students coming by all day...

But I just couldn't.

And then I decided I shouldn't.

Because in those moments.  I was (and am) legitimately terrified about the outcome of the election.  I needed the people around me to see that this decision, this moment, these feelings were real.  

I am so scared of the country and world we have created.  I am so scared for my daughter and what it means for her to grow up as a girl in this world. And as the daughter of two moms. I am scared for my Muslim friends who have already been living in a place of fear and hatred - that just got exponentially worse.  I am scared for my friends of color who's lives and hearts are in danger every single day - who are being told time and time again that they don't matter. I am scared for my differently-able friends who have to hear a bunch of garbage about PC-ness, who's needs and experiences are being invisibilized. I am scared for my undocumented friends who now constantly fear their families being ripped to shreds.  I am genuinely scared.

And that fear and loss of hope broke something inside me.  This is what many of my friends feel on a regular basis - this disenfranchisement and fear and brokenness. I have not done enough - and for that I am eternally sorry.  Know that I am sitting here with you in this discomfort - I'm leaning into it and learning from it. I'm letting my heart break in hopes that it will grow stronger as each scar repairs it.

See these tears my friends.  Because they are still coming (and likely will for a long time). Tears are not a sign of weakness - but rather bravery.  Tears mean you felt something real and true - and that you let it show.

These tears right now are for grief and fear.  But they won't always be.  Some day (hopefully sooner rather than later) these tear will transform into action.  They will transform into the burning fight that I know is deep down inside of me and always has been (and always will be until we reach utopia). 

So today, you can see me cry.  

Because tomorrow...
Tomorrow is for relentless LOVE.

Be Brave!  I love you!

Friday, July 29, 2016

SBL - Goodbye July!

Hey Yall,
Remember when next week was August.  Remember how in the WORLD did that happen already?!  This summer is just FLYING by!  Which is so sad.  Except when it's been 108 degrees for multiple days in a row the trappings of Fall don't sound all that terrible...coats, pumpkin, baking without sweating to death...even rain sounds good.
But alas, I digress.  July has slipped past and here's a quick account of what we've done:
Swimming Lessons!
Done and done.  And let's not lie - they were...TERRIBLE!  Baby girl hated essentially every second.  They were so bad I seriously (seriously) considered quitting after the first week.  But I'm proud to say that we persevered through the full 2 weeks (and the water didn't feel half bad to mama!)  The last couple of days were definitely the best in that she didn't cry the WHOLE time...just part of the time.  I'm still glad we did it though.  I really think that it is important for kids to learn to swim and I have high hopes that she will learn to like the water in the future!  Hopefully!

 She looks so happy...until we actually get in the water!

Another Brunch!
Oh yes we did.  I have no pictures but we had some good friends over for another delicious brunch and it was just further proof that we basically need to do it all the time because it's the best eating we ever do.  Home made quiche (me) our friends made baked french toast - bomb - and we had bacon.  I mean really, what else could you possibly ask for.

Prep for Baby #2
This is sort of stretch but I think it counts.  We also babysat our good friends' 3 month old for a day. Good practice for having 2 babies at the same time...I think yes.  Also a good reminder about what the infant stage is like - I had really forgot how blobby they are!  This sweet babe was such a fun, beautiful chunk.  And the best part was that Baby Girl was IN LOVE with her.  She wanted to get all up in the baby's face. She kept saying "hi" and trying to hand the baby toys.  She was very perplexed by why she wouldn't play back...But all in all - Good Things!
 Baby cuddles are the BEST!

Giving the baby knuckles!
And...getting all up in baby's face!
And if this doesn't make your ovaries scream I don't know what does...
Overall we're making some good progress!  Can't wait for camping next weekend!!!
1) Go Camping (Next weekend! - w00t!)
2) Baby Girl Swimming Lessons
3) Summer Vacation Trip!
  • Beach Day
  • Zoo or Sea World
  • So many so-cal burritos
  • Tide Pooling
  • Pageant of the Masters
4) Day in San Francisco
5) Day in Sutterville (or other small town in the area)
6) Fix up master bathroom (work on this is potentially commencing this weekend!)
7) Get counter-tops or floors done (or at least prepare to do them) (Been looking into it! Think floors are 1st)
8) Clean up backyard (In Progress thanks to my amazing wifey pants)
9) Mom's movie night
10) Brunch with friends (monthly?)
11) Keep my tomato plant alive (Yeah it's dead as a door nail...)
12) Organize Garage (In Progress!)
13) Hiking
14) Professional baseball game
15) Swimming/ Play at the new Splash Park (Walked by the splash park and baby girl cried; swimming at our friends pool tomorrow! Yay!)
16) Movie in the Park - maybe this isn't going to happen since our kiddo is going to bed at 6pm these days! (yay!) (I think this one is dead dream - staying up late for swim lessons has been hard enough)
17) Do a 5k? (depends on our schedule...and my laziness! - It is too D@MN hot!)
18) Overnight at the Beach - sort of done? (we did do this in so cal so I'll call it marked off and hope we do another one!)
19) Prep for Baby #2 - Setting up doc appts and trying to cut down on the amt of crap I eat
20) Family Pictures

Thursday, July 14, 2016

SBL 2016 - Updates!

Dear Beautiful Friends,

This world has been a dark and terrifying place in the past few months.  I am still grappling with all of it.  I'm having a very hard time wrapping my head around these deaths. Around the deaths of my LGBT brothers and sisters. Around the deaths of my black brothers and sisters - and around the fear and injustice and hate they face on a regular basis. And just today another moment of heinousness in Nice, France.  It all seems like so much.  Too much.  The despair and sadness makes me feel like I can't breathe. I hope that one of these days I will have some eloquent words and my hope back.  But right now I can't figure out either of those.  So instead I'm going to babble on about my summer bucket list - one small thing I have control over.  But please know, that I too am hurting and hoping and trying. #blacklivesmatter



Well Summer is rapidly going by so I guess I better see how we're doing on said bucket list so here goes. A few weeks ago grandma and grandpa came to visit and we went to feed some farm animals and hung out and played.  

We were a little scared at first

Saying Hi to the Bunnies

Brave Girl feeds the Goats!

Silly Mama, Silly Baby Girl

Goats were the favorite!
Playing blocks with Grandpa!

Then we headed down south to attend a beautiful friends wedding. 

We Clean-Up Ok!

 Somebody got her GROOVE thang on!

 The venue was Ah-MAZING

And then we stayed for a whole week to enjoy the sun and the sand and the burritos and to hang out with grandma and grandpa again and enjoy a night away for wifey and I!

 Beach babes!

 This horse was the DEVIL until the day before we left.  
She literally wouldn't go near it...And now Ride em' Cowgirl!

Did you know ice cream flights are a thing?!  AN AMAZING THING!

It was an amazing much much needed week off!  

The 2016 Summer Bucket List

1) Go Camping (first weekend in August - w00t!)
2) Baby Girl Swimming Lessons (Start Next week!)
3) Summer Vacation Trip! - CHECK
  • Beach Day  - Did it and Baby Girl HATEDDDD IT ;)  But it got better with a little bit of time and exposure
  • Zoo or Sea World - didn't happen, but we decided it would be better when Baby Girl is older
  • So many so-cal burritos - OHHH YEAHHH
  • Tide Pooling - went to the beach but not specifically tide pooling
  • Pageant of the Masters - SO AWESOME!  Would recommend to ANYONE!
4) Day in San Francisco
5) Day in Sutterville (or other small town in the area)
6) Fix up master bathroom
7) Get counter-tops or floors done (or at least prepare to do them)
8) Clean up backyard (In Progress thanks to my amazing wifey pants)
9) Mom's movie night
10) Brunch with friends (monthly?) (Want more!)
11) Keep my tomato plant alive (Yeah it's dead as a door nail...)
12) Organize Garage (In Progress!)
13) Hiking
14) Professional baseball game
15) Swimming/ Play at the new Splash Park (Want to go again and we still haven't made it to the splash park. But swimming lessons start next week - so THAT should be speical)
16) Movie in the Park - maybe this isn't going to happen since our kiddo is going to bed at 6pm these days! (yay!)
17) Do a 5k? (depends on our schedule...and my laziness!)
18) Overnight at the Beach - sort of done?
19) Prep for Baby #2 - Setting up doc appts and trying to cut down on the amt of crap I eat
20) Family Pictures

Sunday, June 12, 2016

For My Heart Broken Friends

I've been trying to wrap my mind and heart around the Orlando shooting in an LGBT club.

But to be honest I just can't.

It's like in order to not completely fall apart my brain and soul and feelings won't let me fully process this event.

Maybe that's a good survival mechanism or maybe it's selfish or maybe it just it was it is.

Because in the back recesses of my mind all I can think is...that could have been me and my wife.

As a young person, freshly out of the closet, gay clubs are sometimes the only refuge. They are typically the only places where you are one of the many - and sometimes that is a feeling and a safety net one desperately needs as they struggle and grow and change and learn to be in their new skin.

"Gay" has never been my first identifier. I'd like to think my character and being and soul are made of many moving parts and who I sleep with is really not that big of a deal. But the truth is - being gay is probably the singular most shaping thing I've experienced. It tested my relationship with myself and others, it taught me compassion and patience and grace, and it has been a marathon of turning the other cheek.

It has also brought me my greatest most heart exploding joys - my wife and perfect daughter. And embracing being gay has brought me to my truest most authentic self.

This me - the me that once again loves fiercely and vulnerably - this is the me I was always meant to be. And honestly I don't know if I would have gotten here without being a proud, strong, loving, gay woman.

So yes, I am scared. And yes, I am sickeningly heartbroken.

But YES, I will still be out holding my wife's hand and kissing my sweet daughter's cheeks for all the world to see. Because love is always always always stronger than hate.

Be Brave my beautiful friends! Be Brave!


Ps: To my Muslim brothers and sisters. I'm so broken that this tragedy will be used as yet another moment of hate and fear mongering towards you and your religion. Know that I am one more person, lovingly standing in your corner.

Wednesday, June 1, 2016

Summer Bucket List 2016!!!

So my friends - it is that wonderful time of year again - SUMMER!  And thanks to my friend Amanda over at Little Monsters and Mommies I've jumped on the wagon and made us a bucket list over here in bloggity bloo land (Granted this list has not been verified by my wife so it is subject to basically it's MY bucket list...but who doesn't want to do what I want to do...right????)

So here it is in all it's glory:

The 2016 Summer Bucket List

1) Go Camping (supposed to happen a few weekends ago...postponed due to all of the family getting hand foot and mouth...yeah...another story for another blog)
2) Baby Girl Swimming Lessons (Signed up for late July)
3) Summer Vacation Trip! (HAPPENING IN JULY!)
  • Beach Day
  • Zoo or Sea World
  • So many so-cal burritos
  • Tide Pooling
  • Pageant of the Masters
4) Day in San Francisco
5) Day in Sutterville (or other small town in the area)
6) Fix up master bathroom
7) Get counter-tops or floors done (or at least prepare to do them)
8) Clean up backyard
9) Mom's movie night
10) Brunch with friends (monthly?) (We had one last weekend, but I'll leave it up here anyway in hopes that we will have more!)
11) Keep my tomato plant alive (It's been a week - it's still alive - barely)
12) Organize Garage (In Progress!)
13) Hiking
14) Professional baseball game
15) Swimming/ Play at the new Splash Park (Went swimming last weekend, but again I'll leave it up in hopes that we will go again - and to the new splash park!)
16) Movie in the Park
17) Do a 5k? (depends on our schedule...and my laziness!)
18) Overnight at the Beach
19) Prep for Baby #2
20) Family Pictures

So here goes!  Bring on another summer of funnnnnnn!