March-ing On ;)

 

 

I have to stop waiting for Jan 1 or the next Monday to come around to start getting things done!  And really to start feeling more grounded and less like a scatter brained tornado.

So my (ever evolving plan) is to make a few attainable goals on the 1st of each month, starting RIGHT NOW!  Because isn't now the best time to start?!

And to help keep myself accountable and to further show that we're all just getting by (aka I'm the conductor of the hot mess express...) I'm going to go ahead put them right here and just air all my dirty laundry (which with 2 kids...is a lot!)

March Goals:

• Line a day Journal - just for fun
• Make a counseling appointment - because life is stressful, and we all need tune ups, and because I need to start walking the walk
• 3 deep breaths in the AM - I want the first thing I do in the morning to NOT be pick up my phone.  But instead just notice that I'm alive and well.
• 5 mins of reading a day - because I'm reading a fabulous book.  And reading makes me happy.
• 1 blog per week - because yeah...
• Brush my teeth in the PM - Because we're being real here and sometimes I literally forget to brush my teeth...that's how my brain is right now...

Hope ya'll are well out there! 

XOXO

Sarah

PS: Unrelated photo of my children because...cute!

 

Arrivederci 2017

Arrivederci 2017

2017 had a lot of darkness. But it had one brilliant bright spot. In June our sweet boy joined our family and we lit up and stretched and grew in so many ways. 

And while I wrote less than ever this year here is where we were in 2017:

January

I turned 31 and spent the day with my darling girl. I was past the 1st trimester and finally not feeling like death. I hit 20wks this month!

February 

Our little girl turned 2! And suddenly was an enormous full sized kid. She continues to light up our lives with her laughter and smiles.

March

We took a babymoon to Catalina and it was amazing! Just me and SP getting pampered and hanging out in the beautiful sunshine! I also went to a work conference and had dinner in bed like a real pregnant lady. I hit the 3rd trimester and got diagnosed with gestational diabetes.

April

Just got bigger and bigger! Had the first Easter that baby girl sort of understood.

May

Got really really big.  Kept waiting for baby to come...not so much

June

Made it all the way to 40wks.  Which almost never happens with gestational diabetes.  Was induced on my due date - long story short, this kid did NOT want to come out.  Induction lasted 3 days/nights and ended in a c-section. (Birth story still to come I swear!)  On the 12th at 10pm this kiddo finally joined our family.  After 5 days in the NICU we all made it home!

This is 40wks to the day, right before leaving to be induced!

July

Just darkness and sleep deprivation.

August

More sleep deprivation. We also go down south to visit the parentals.  Babes first time in the ocean! We make it to the 2 month mark!

September

It is insanely hot where we live.  We go stay in a hotel and it's the best stay-cation ever!

Laughed for the first time on 9/1/17!

October

SP goes on a weekend away with her mom.  I survive a full weekend alone with both kids!  

I also go back to work and live to tell the tale.  It's a rough transition but it's good to be back.  And luckily it's a pretty good transition.  

I'm finally coming out of some pretty intense postpartum anxiety (again, another story that is coming).  We celebrate LB (little Boy's) 1st Halloween.  LG (little girl) is super into it once she realizes people are going to give her candy. She asked to be a dragon this year.  It was amazing and we obliged!

November

5 mos with LB!  He is a smile monster!  He loves his sister.  He loves to eat and is a chunky monkey.  We celebrate thanksgiving.  I remember that Thanksgiving 2016 I was finishing up some really painful shots in my rear end.  LB is totally worth it!

December

I decide to do Blogmas - I think it's mostly a success (?!) LG is in love with Christmas!  We go to my parents and it's fabulous how excited LG is about everything Christmas related.  In fact even today she asked if she could see santa.  And we're full circle!

So that was the year.  Basically a big blur - especially the last 6 mos.  And a lot of it was really really hard.  But there were clearly some beautiful moments as well.  So 2018 what will you have in store, that is the question. I've been racking my brain to try to figure out what I want to focus on this coming year and I've come up with a couple of things:

1) Showing up.  Putting my body, mind, and soul where my mouth is.  Along with my dollars and votes of course.  I need to start really calling my representatives and putting myself in protests that I believe in.  I have work to do in being the best ally I can be. And in general I just have a lot to learn even when its scary or sad or hard.  So I think the first step is to just keep showing up and sitting in all the discomfort and fear.

2) Saying no.  I've gotten into a bad habit again where I'm falling into the busy trap.  And where I neglect myself to please others. Some of it is out of necessity (I have kids that have to be taken care of and my needs have to be put aside) and some of it is just a bad case of people pleasing and guilt.  It's ok to say no.  So no no nooooooo! 

3) Be Brave!  It's time to get back to being brave.  To remember that being brave means being vulnerable.  Means being recklessly kind. It means showing up and also sometimes saying no.  It means doing things even when it's hard. It means finding the pieces of myself that seem to be buried. And letting go of things that aren't serving me. It means letting go of perfection and fear and embracing joy and gratitude.  Because just being happy and grateful makes everything enough. 

Much love my friends!  I know 2017 was rough on many (all?) of us personally, politically, professionally etc...  But I think that in 2018 we are going to dig out the good. We're going to love the crap out of each other.  We are going to be our bravest best selves.  We're going to be the heroes of our own lives - and in doing that we're going to give the world exactly what it needs.  

And we're going to be so dang happy.

Be brave my loves, be brave!

I love you!

Blogmas 2017 - Vol 10

On Forgetfulness...

Well, It really wouldn't be me if I didn't miss one day of blogging.  And honestly it was for no other reason except that I forgot...Because seriously my brain these days!

I've heard the term Mommy brain but I guess I didn't realize that it was just a little joke.  I definitely had pregnancy brain - and it seems to have carried over...

Maybe it's really just tired brain?  Because with a million things going on on a regular basis and the fact that my body has for some reason decided 4am is the appropriate wake up time - it's not just my brain that's tired these days.

So cheers to my brain... 

And the coffee that sustains it...

XO
Sarah

Blogmas 2017 - Vol.7

On Mommy (Parent) Guilt

Mom guilt is so real life ya'll.  And I feel like when we added little boy to the party it only amplified.  I mean everything amplified because I had a serious case of Postpartum Anxiety (another story for another time).  But now that the proverbial dust has settled the mommy guilt has also settled in hard core.

I love spending time with my kids.  But sometimes they make me crazy. And sometimes I have less than stellar parenting moments because of it.  And then when I get a short break from them I feel bad for leaving them with others.  Or I feel bad for spending any time on myself.  Because there is ALWAYS something else that could be getting done. Laundry, meal prep, cleaning.  ANd for somebody who is pretty self proclaimed type A - the chaos is pretty rough on top of all the guilty feelings.

And then there is the whole working parent thing.  And/or 2 working parent things. And what that means societally, personally etc.  I personally really enjoy my job and I really enjoy spending time with adults. But I also really miss my kids.  But when I'm home with them alone several days in a row I can't WAIT to get back to work where I get to pee by myself and use my brain in a very different way.  And then I feel bad about that. 

I don't know where I'm going with all of this except to say that you mommies and daddies and babas etc out there who are feeling this crushing sense of "I can never give enough in any area of my life" I see you, I feel you, I'm living it. And/or if any of you out there have any strategies for minimizing the guilt - I'd love to hear them.

Because look at these beautiful faces...

...they deserve my best me, and I'm pretty sure the me that feels guilty all the time isn't my best.

Be Brave!

For My Heart Broken Friends

I've been trying to wrap my mind and heart around the Orlando shooting in an LGBT club.

But to be honest I just can't.

It's like in order to not completely fall apart my brain and soul and feelings won't let me fully process this event.

Maybe that's a good survival mechanism or maybe it's selfish or maybe it just it was it is.

Because in the back recesses of my mind all I can think is...that could have been me and my wife.

As a young person, freshly out of the closet, gay clubs are sometimes the only refuge. They are typically the only places where you are one of the many - and sometimes that is a feeling and a safety net one desperately needs as they struggle and grow and change and learn to be in their new skin.

"Gay" has never been my first identifier. I'd like to think my character and being and soul are made of many moving parts and who I sleep with is really not that big of a deal. But the truth is - being gay is probably the singular most shaping thing I've experienced. It tested my relationship with myself and others, it taught me compassion and patience and grace, and it has been a marathon of turning the other cheek.

It has also brought me my greatest most heart exploding joys - my wife and perfect daughter. And embracing being gay has brought me to my truest most authentic self.

This me - the me that once again loves fiercely and vulnerably - this is the me I was always meant to be. And honestly I don't know if I would have gotten here without being a proud, strong, loving, gay woman.

So yes, I am scared. And yes, I am sickeningly heartbroken.

But YES, I will still be out holding my wife's hand and kissing my sweet daughter's cheeks for all the world to see. Because love is always always always stronger than hate.

Be Brave my beautiful friends! Be Brave!

Love,
Sarah

Ps: To my Muslim brothers and sisters. I'm so broken that this tragedy will be used as yet another moment of hate and fear mongering towards you and your religion. Know that I am one more person, lovingly standing in your corner.

10 x 3

Today is my 30th birthday.

3 decades of riding around on this planet. 10,950 days of waking up in this beautiful world.

Birthday Girl and my AMAZING CAKE!

I know many of you are thinking...you're a baby.  And many of you are thinking...OLD LADY. Me?  I'm thinking...lucky me!  I have had the joy and privilege of making it this far!

I have to say... this little life of mine thus far has been quite the grand adventure. I have been extremely privileged to travel and experience and see and do so many things. 

Party Animals!

Turning 30 does make me think though.

It does remind me that time is passing. And that I need to spend as much time as I have left making it count. I still desperately want to leave my mark on this world in my own small ways. I still have dreams and want to make them real. I want to see as much of this gorgeous planet as I possibly can. I want to learn more, be kinder, be more generous, grow grow grow - because what else are we here for?

One of my friends once said something along the lines that our job here on earth is to gently and with kindness love those around us into their best selves. And I couldn't agree more.  And in the process won't we also love ourselves into our best selves?

Today also happens to be, for many Christian religions - The Epiphany.  It marks the end of the 12 days of Christmas and is a celebration of the Magi's visit to the Christ child. The 3 wise men found this child by following a Star across a desert.

I've always liked that my birthday fell on this holy day. I know in historical reality it all likely happened in March and who knows what actually happened.  But the celebration of following the light...that is something I can most definitely get behind.

I think that is what I've realized after 3 X 10. I AM here for a very important reason. And having this baby girl in my life has brought this privilege and work right out into the bright light. We really do have much work to do. And 30 year old Sarah is ready for that kind of work. To make me, my best self - and hopefully love those around me with as much brilliance as I can manage - because when you light people up - their beauty and joy and gifts can't be hidden.  

So I've decided, 30 year old Sarah, she will be following the light - just like the wise men before her!  

Because who knows what's under that star...

XOXOX

Sarah

Be Brave!

 Scenes from Birthday Day!

30 looks pretty good on me if I do say so myself!

Goodbye Hello - On Being In It in 2016

Image Credit

Oh 2015...you were quite the epic year.

January 
I celebrated my 29th birthday (oh yes...that does in fact mean the big 3-0 is coming rapidly) and we prepped for Baby Girl.  And that's about all we did.

February

Baby Girl is BORN!  We find out she is in fact baby girl. We find out SP is a BEAST of a woman. My dream baby has finally made her way to me. I basically cry all the time.

March

No blogging in March.  Probably because I've never been so tired in my entire life. The first month of baby girl's life is a DOOZY. SP and I fight our way through it...but it is HARD!

April

We are finally starting to get our footing.  I take a few minutes and tell the story of the day I was reborn as a Mother. I also take some time to write my first love letter to baby girl.  We also talked AGAIN about how #lovecan'twait

May

Another lost month. Probably because SP goes back to work this month.  I spend a week off with my girl and then we transition her into day care. SP and I are still exhausted and still trying to figure out what in the world we're doing.

June

I talk about how we took baby girl to my parent's house when she was 6 weeks old (yay flying with a newborn!) And we also dressed baby girl up for the first time! Also MARRIAGE EQUALITY PASSES in the US!

July

Not so much with the writing still.  However I recap how in June we took baby girl across the country to celebrate the life of my grandmother. We talk about how baby girl started solids at just 4 months old. In June, we also celebrated one Best Friend's big 3-0. And another Best Friend comes from across the country to visit :)

August

I talk about how having a baby has sucked away all of my time and I no longer have any hobbies or any free time (what even is that?!) We also go to the Pear Fair which is basically the cutest thing ever!

September

Another letter to baby girl and basically that's all I can manage this month! We're fresh off a week with the grandparents though which was super nice!

October

Another lost month in terms of blogging. It was baby girl's first Halloween :) And Apple Orchard time! Yum! Sadly we lost SP's grandparents at the end of this month and Baby Girl went on her first looonnnggg roadtrip to Utah to say goodbye to her namesake and meet many many of her relatives.

November

Pictures from October! Including the Dread Pirate herself! And my parents come to visit again!  And we take Grandma to the Apple Orchards again!

December

In December I straight up lose my mind and decide to blog every day until Christmas. I write about everything from Thanksgiving to starting bootcamp to how much I love my SP!  I also wrote about our beautiful tree Harriet and our crazy dogo and another letter to baby girl.  I talked about how sometimes things are just stinkin hard. One of my most favorite blogmas blogs however was about being a non-belly mama and how treasured and real that role is. Another important one was about how we must help our suffering brothers and sisters fleeing in the middle east (you can still help!!!) And then it was Christmas! And what a beautiful day it was indeed! If nothing else it pushed me out of my writing rut!  

 

And here we are now - 2015 was an epic year. It was my mama-birth year as my beautiful girl barreled into this world and changed everything. And our hearts grew more than 3 sizes the day she came to us and they've been growing ever since - as has she. Learning to be a mama and how to love and care and grow with this little monster baby has consumed us completely. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

 

So 2016 - what are we going to do with you? That is the question. Sure I have a list of resolutions I could come up with. Many related to being healthy or changing my body. (The healthy has become even more important to me, I have to say, in hopes of being around as long as humanly possible for this little one who has stolen my heart.) I'm sure I could come up with plenty of goals about finances and cleanliness and organization. And in reality, many of those lists/details are floating around in my mind - things I'm sure I will think about as we progress through another trip around the sun.

 

But overall I want only one thing this coming year - one big hope for myself:

To be Present. 

 

I just want to not miss it, you know? This precious time I have on this planet. These sacred moments as I watch my girl grow and the time I get to spend with the love of my life. I want to see it all and know it all and be in it all. I want to stop getting stuck in the crappy little details of each day and I want nothing to do with the busy trap that keeps taking hold. I want to spend all the time I'm wasting worrying about stupid, insignificant things on much more important things like trips to the park, and baby smiles, and hugs from my wife. Because I'm pretty sure at the end of the day, at the end of my life - those are the things I'm going to remember. And if this past year is any indication of how sweepingly quickly the time really does go - then I've got to dig my heels in and do everything in my power to slow it down and not blink and not miss any perfect moment. Don't get me wrong - I know there will be bad days, or bad moments - but I just don't want to miss any of it. I don't want to be lost in my own panicked mind when I could be right here - living it all!

 

So here we are - 2016, you have some mighty shoes to fill!

 

And to you, my friends, out there in the interwebs and the world - I wish you love and light and hope! Happy New Year and Happy New You!

 

Be Brave! 

 

I Love You!

-Sarah

Blogmas Vol. 24

What a difference a year makes!

This time last year my family was up north and we were sitting around in our little house, celebrating Christmas and waiting for a long anticipated child.  She, like a little child many years ago, was much anticipated and waited for.  And who we knew would change our world.

And has she ever!

We may be a little more ragged and a little more worse for the wear some days - but Baby Girl has wrapped us up in her. She is joy and wonder and light and we truly are forever changed.

So tonight, while I write, from the comfort of a warm bed, I think of another mother - my homegirl Mary. She is the constant from all of my catholic upbringing. She is the Auntie I pray to when I can't sleep. And now she is the model of true hero - scared and vulnerable and given wholly unto a child. And somehow, I understand a little more what that means. To give yourself over to someone so small. To stand vulnerably in front of this person, this spirit you are supposed to mold and guide - who all along, you suspect is likely molding and guiding you more than you are her. 

I can't imagine what it must have been like for mother Mary back then - talk about pressure! Because in relative comfort and safety I feel the pressure of bringing up this child in front of me in this big scary world we live in now.  I worry about this world I've brought her into. How I can teach her to be kind and loving. How she, in her own small ways, can change this world we live in for the better. How I can help her to see, she too, can be the light.

And when it all seems like too much - this great responsibility - I hum the lyrics to my favorite Christmas song "Breath of Heaven" and think of Warrior Mary out there in the darkness - bringing us great light!


Do you wonder as you watch my face
If a wiser one one should have had my place
But I offer all I am
For the mercy of your plan

 

Merry Christmas Eve my friends - especially to my fellow Warrior Mamas out there, who come in every shape and size and situation - you bring the light!

Blogmas Vol. 22 - Let There Be LIGHT

If you only read one of my blog posts, I hope it's this one...

http://thecompassioncollective.org/

Oh my friends.  It is that time of year when the darkness sets in.  When my gorgeous sun sets at 3:30pm. In fact it is the darkest day of the year.  When all I want to do is hibernate and snuggle up and be warm. And it has been raining here, just to add to the darkness. So also all I want is to be dry.

And the lucky thing is - I get to do that. I get to wear warm clothes every day. I get to go home (and immediately rip off  my pants) and snuggle up with my loved ones. I get to be safe and warm and dry. And not worry about where my next meal is coming from and whether or not I'm safe at the moment. I get to snuggle my sweet wife and my adorable baby and know that we are more than ok.

And yet, right now, in this very moment, on the other side of the world, there are babies being pulled out of a dark, frigid ocean. There are mamas carrying their babies thousands and thousands of miles to escape certain death. They are starving, and freezing, and their bodies are literally rotting from the rain. They are living in a continual state of darkness - figuratively and literally.

And the thing is, all of us, sitting here in our cushy situations (and they are cushy in comparison regardless of how much you are struggling right now) we can do more. In what we all like to refer to as the season of giving - we have more to give to these people who are only hoping to be safe, and dry, and fed.  And we are the ones who can do it. We can light up the dark!!! We can buy one less gift or one less coffee and instead give someone a pair of socks, or a coat, or a warm meal.

Because if you call yourself a Christian, I'm pretty sure there are some specific instructions on this type of thing. And if you call yourself a decent human being - there are also some pretty easy tenants to be followed in this scenario.

http://thecompassioncollective.org/

100% of donations go directly to refugee humanitarian aid. There is NO overhead! That means your $5 can buy even more baby socks.

Because this world is full of darkness - but we can LIGHT IT UP!

You can read more about this project here: http://momastery.com/blog/ 

I dare you not to cry!

Merry Blogmas!

Blogmas Vol. 18

The Dinner Rut

Ok Friends. I'm in need of your assistance. I'm in a serious cooking rut as of late!  I used to be super creative and made all this good food. And lately...I'm going to be honest its a lot of popcorn, and pasta and grilled cheese sandwiches and crockpot chili.  Which lets be honest are delicious - but maybe not the most nutritious situation. Don't get me wrong though I could eat popcorn and cheese for every meal for the rest of my life.

So tonight we're having some salmon and brussel sprouts...and tater tots...because you know...a meal isn't complete without some heinous starch added to it!

But seriously I need your recipes. Quick, nutritious meals, preferably that can be made small to feed a 10month old. (Salmon apparently has a weird texture, BG is not a fan!)  The emphasis on quick though peeps - especially crock pot things, or things that can be cooked on weekends and frozen. Because during the week I have just about zero energy to create delicious meals.

But I really do want some new ideas because one, we need to eat, and two I miss cooking! (I know, I really do though!) And SP is tired of popcorn...trust me!  Sometimes she says, "remember when you used to make good food?" And it's true! I used to make amazing stuff. But I just can't seem to get inspired.

So...leave me your best, fastest recipes!  Because my family's nutrition DEPENDS ON YOU ;) No pressure! 

But really...leave me some good stuff!

Blogmas Vol.17

On Being the Non-Belly Mama

The funny thing is people have a lot of questions about being the non gestational parent and about not being biologically related to your kid.  I guess I find it funny because to me it is not even close to anything important regarding being a parent.

I mean 1/2 of every couple is a non gestational parent - and nobody asks them if they are ok with it. (and yes I'm being very heteronormative in this statement). But it is one of the most common topics around being a non-belly mama.  So let me set a few things straight:

1) There is no question in my mind that I am Baby Girl's mother. SP and I planned and saved and worked to bring her here. I made almost all of the appointments and did a lot of the money related items. I went to EVERY single appointment. And after baby was born I took her to some of her appointments on my own.

2) It doesn't bother me when people say our daughter looks like SP. Why shouldn't she? I think my wife is beautiful (obviously!) why wouldn't I want my daughter to look like her? Does it get obnoxious when that is the ONLY thing people can point out - honestly yes. Because it's like what are you trying to prove? We know she's biologically related to SP. And just for the record, when I'm alone with Baby Girl, people swear up and down she looks like me. The mind is an amazing fake out artist.

3) I am not lacking. There is nothing SP can give her that I can't. I could have induced lactation if I wanted to (I chose not to) but even so, there are plenty of babies that are fed with formula and they are just fine. And I'm pretty sure that's the least important part of parenting - as long as they are healthy and fed, the rest of it is what matters. She doesn't ever need her "real" mother over me.

4) I am her REAL mother. Don't ever suggest or say anything otherwise. Because it is untrue. I am here. Day in and day out wiping butts and noses and doing laundry. I love her and teach her and feed her. I play with her and dress her and care for her. If that's not a real mother, I don't know what is. She takes up every space in my heart (except for a few small spaces reserved for SP and the rest of my family...and crazy Kori)

5) It actually doesn't bother me if you ask who carried her. How you react matters though. If you ask in a kind and interested way so that you can learn more - good for you. If you ask because you need to know who her "real" mother is - we're going to have words.

6) Yes, I am bonded to my daughter. I bonded with her possibly faster than my wife. I don't want to speak for my lovely wifey but when baby girl was born, SP was pretty roughed up. I on the other hand, while exhausted, was able to focus solely on our new little soul. And I had been talking to her and waiting for her and dreaming of her. I was there to cut the cord, and hold her hand while she got weighed, and cleaned and got shots. The moment I saw her, it was all over. My heart was outside my body forever.

7) Yes, I would like to be a belly mama one day. I want to have that experience myself. But here's the caveat - if for some reason, it doesn't work out and we can only have babies carried by SP or carried by another mama - I will STILL be a REAL mother. Because however my babies get to me, whatever paths they take, they are MY babies!

So there you go, that's my experience thus far being a mother. I'm sure my experience will adjust and change with time. But either way - this is my girl, my dream baby!

Merry Blogmas!

Sick Day Selfie

Blogmas Vol.10

On Dusting Off the Perspectacles (term stolen from my spirit animal Glennon Melton)

Christmas can be such a magical time.  A time of focusing on the beauty around us, a time of self reflection, a time of giving, a time of love and joy and happiness. 

It can also easily and rapidly turn into a time of selfishness and greed. Commercialization and how much we can get get get.  A time of keeping up with the proverbial Joneses.

Don't get me wrong - I love giving gifts. I adore thinking about my loved ones and what they really need or would enjoy and trying to find something for them. And showing them I love them with a sweet memento. And I like receiving similar gifts - thoughtful tokens from those I love.  I love walking around and seeing something I know someone I care about would LOVE and then getting to watch them open it. And I will admit, I do have a fantasy of giving someone a blow your socks of totally out of control gift one day.

But this year, once again, I'm trying to remember that it isn't all about the THINGS.  And that really many of us are so far better off than our brothers and sisters around the world right now. As all of the stories of the Syrian refugees come out I can't help but be reminded of how incredibly blessed I already am - what wonderful gifts I'm lucky enough to have.

First of all, every morning I wake up. That alone seems like a pretty fantastic gift. One that many have been robbed of this year in various tragic ways. And when I wake up, generally I'm healthy, I'm warm, I'm clothed. I'm laying next to the person I love most (except on nights when I've been snoring like a mac truck). I often wake to the babbling sounds of a squishy baby dream come true. I wake up in a house I own - how luxurious is that?! When I go to the kitchen I know there will be plenty of food. And I know that when it runs out I won't have to worry about getting more. When I walk out the door to go to my job (that I like!) I am safe. I can get in my functioning car. And so on and so on and so on.

I mean really, how lucky am I?!

So, my hope is that this coming year I can do more with what I have. It's time to share more - because there is plenty to go around. I have time to give, and talents, and material things - and I know there is plenty of love in this vulnerable heart of mine.

Merry Blogmas my friends!  Be Brave!

Blogmas Vol. 7

Ok friends - here's the rub. 

I have no time to do anything cool and thus I have nothing to write about. I mean I could talk about current events or something...like I could talk about the presidential candidates and how the state of politics in this country just makes me sad and how some of the candidates make me question the whole concept of kindness and empathy (he who shall not be named). Or I could talk about the whole Syrian debacle but I think I've probably opened my big mouth about that plenty already and again the whole thing makes my heart break. I could talk about gun control but that's a can of worms I'm just not ready to open on here.

The thing is this time of year I always think about how I could do better.  I think about how I would react if a struggling couple came to my door.  I think about the world I want my daughter to grow up in and how I can help shape it to be the dream I want it to be for her. The problem is... it all seems really dark sometimes. It seems like too much.  It seems like too much heart break and too much loss. I want more than anything to believe that people are good but I'm so scared sometimes of other people. And I hate that. It is the worst thing I think to be so conditioned to be afraid of strangers - and I want no part of it. But how do you fight that feeling with all the darkness pressing in from every angle?!  With all of the sorrow and heartbreak and tragedy that surrounds us all.the.freakin.time?

I honestly don't know. Some days the darkness presses down pretty hard, I won't lie, and I'm fearful and sad. But then I remember the little lights. The smiles of my innocent baby girl, who has the hope and the world and all the potential wrapped up in her tiny little being. My friends - all good people who make this world vibrant and kind and hard working. I think of my colleagues - in the trenches of student development every.single.day - working their darndest to help students and coworkers to unlearn hard, horrible things. Working their darndest to help develop our future leaders, thinkers, do-ers - and compassionate, empathetic people. I remember the dissenting voices out their, who speak out against the darkness at every turn. And the proverbial "little guy" who stands up and speaks when everything around him tries to silence him.

I just know we can better, do better, love more, be kinder. Because despite all the darkness, despite all the tragedy and heartbreak - there are always little lights. And little lights, when put all together, shine extra bright! Each speck adds something special. Each light breaks away just a little more of the darkness.

So be you my friends. Be brave. Do the right thing even when its the hardest thing. Choose love, even when you don't want to. Forgive again. Say yes. Say no. Smile when you can. Most of all, love love love!  

Because I know you, my people, are the brightest lights out there! And when the darkness starts to press in - look for me - because I'll be in the dark corner with my little light - waiting just for you!

Be Brave!