On the Relentlessness of the Day to Day

The thing is...all of this is hard sometimes.

You aren't supposed to say that when you've struggled to bring your life to exactly where it is. But its the truth. 

I have an amazing life. An amazing wife. Two amazing babies who are smiley and squishy. I love it all.

But...

The nights are short. The time disappears faster than I can count. There is poop and dirty dishes and laundry and 40+ hours of work each week. Weekends are filled with other people's events. And maybe a little bit of meal prep. And laundry.  Never ending laundry.

It's a good kind of tired and a good kind of busy. But I don't think that means I don't get to say every once in a while that it's really really hard. I miss my wife - even though I see her every day. But we are so fully and completely dedicated to the little lives in front of us that we are sometimes ships passing in the night.

It's hard to find the moments to just stop and recognize the joy in all of it. It's hard to function on 5ish hours of sleep every day. It's hard to leave my sweet cheeks with someone else each day and try to care about the other adults in front of me when all I'm thinking about is loving on my little squishy and playing with my big kid. 

And on top of that, every day there is a new horror happening on the world stage. Things that legitimately catch my breath in my chest. Babies being ripped out of their parents arms.  An utter disregard for the lives of people of color.  A turning back of so many moments of progress for women and education and safety and and and...

Today I told my friend that my soul was tired.  And I really feel that way right now.  Drained personally, drained professionally...just drained.  She asked me if I had "resistance fatigue." And yes, I do think that's part of it.  While I am relatively well protected in my personal bubble of education and class and geographic location, I still inhabit a marginalized identity every day.  And while I'm (mostly) happy and settled and proud in that space, I still worry (now more than maybe ever before) what that means for my babies.  Are they safe in this world where gay people are slowly but surely being stripped of their people-ness?  

So yes, that.  And just the relentlessness of the every day.

There is so much guilt surrounding saying out loud that things are hard sometimes. I'm not sure why. Saying things are hard doesn't detract from or negate the good things that we also acknowledge. Saying that things are hard sometimes is simply honoring that everything isn't always unicorns and rainbows and sparkles.

The truth is...it's ok to be not ok.  At least, that's the truth for right now.

I love you my people.  You are the bright spots.  Take care of you!

 

Baby Picklebean emperor of smiles and squishes and cuddles

SP & her mini me!

Uh mom?! What are you doing?!

Arrivederci 2017

Arrivederci 2017

2017 had a lot of darkness. But it had one brilliant bright spot. In June our sweet boy joined our family and we lit up and stretched and grew in so many ways. 

And while I wrote less than ever this year here is where we were in 2017:

January

I turned 31 and spent the day with my darling girl. I was past the 1st trimester and finally not feeling like death. I hit 20wks this month!

February 

Our little girl turned 2! And suddenly was an enormous full sized kid. She continues to light up our lives with her laughter and smiles.

March

We took a babymoon to Catalina and it was amazing! Just me and SP getting pampered and hanging out in the beautiful sunshine! I also went to a work conference and had dinner in bed like a real pregnant lady. I hit the 3rd trimester and got diagnosed with gestational diabetes.

April

Just got bigger and bigger! Had the first Easter that baby girl sort of understood.

May

Got really really big.  Kept waiting for baby to come...not so much

June

Made it all the way to 40wks.  Which almost never happens with gestational diabetes.  Was induced on my due date - long story short, this kid did NOT want to come out.  Induction lasted 3 days/nights and ended in a c-section. (Birth story still to come I swear!)  On the 12th at 10pm this kiddo finally joined our family.  After 5 days in the NICU we all made it home!

This is 40wks to the day, right before leaving to be induced!

July

Just darkness and sleep deprivation.

August

More sleep deprivation. We also go down south to visit the parentals.  Babes first time in the ocean! We make it to the 2 month mark!

September

It is insanely hot where we live.  We go stay in a hotel and it's the best stay-cation ever!

Laughed for the first time on 9/1/17!

October

SP goes on a weekend away with her mom.  I survive a full weekend alone with both kids!  

I also go back to work and live to tell the tale.  It's a rough transition but it's good to be back.  And luckily it's a pretty good transition.  

I'm finally coming out of some pretty intense postpartum anxiety (again, another story that is coming).  We celebrate LB (little Boy's) 1st Halloween.  LG (little girl) is super into it once she realizes people are going to give her candy. She asked to be a dragon this year.  It was amazing and we obliged!

November

5 mos with LB!  He is a smile monster!  He loves his sister.  He loves to eat and is a chunky monkey.  We celebrate thanksgiving.  I remember that Thanksgiving 2016 I was finishing up some really painful shots in my rear end.  LB is totally worth it!

December

I decide to do Blogmas - I think it's mostly a success (?!) LG is in love with Christmas!  We go to my parents and it's fabulous how excited LG is about everything Christmas related.  In fact even today she asked if she could see santa.  And we're full circle!

So that was the year.  Basically a big blur - especially the last 6 mos.  And a lot of it was really really hard.  But there were clearly some beautiful moments as well.  So 2018 what will you have in store, that is the question. I've been racking my brain to try to figure out what I want to focus on this coming year and I've come up with a couple of things:

1) Showing up.  Putting my body, mind, and soul where my mouth is.  Along with my dollars and votes of course.  I need to start really calling my representatives and putting myself in protests that I believe in.  I have work to do in being the best ally I can be. And in general I just have a lot to learn even when its scary or sad or hard.  So I think the first step is to just keep showing up and sitting in all the discomfort and fear.

2) Saying no.  I've gotten into a bad habit again where I'm falling into the busy trap.  And where I neglect myself to please others. Some of it is out of necessity (I have kids that have to be taken care of and my needs have to be put aside) and some of it is just a bad case of people pleasing and guilt.  It's ok to say no.  So no no nooooooo! 

3) Be Brave!  It's time to get back to being brave.  To remember that being brave means being vulnerable.  Means being recklessly kind. It means showing up and also sometimes saying no.  It means doing things even when it's hard. It means finding the pieces of myself that seem to be buried. And letting go of things that aren't serving me. It means letting go of perfection and fear and embracing joy and gratitude.  Because just being happy and grateful makes everything enough. 

Much love my friends!  I know 2017 was rough on many (all?) of us personally, politically, professionally etc...  But I think that in 2018 we are going to dig out the good. We're going to love the crap out of each other.  We are going to be our bravest best selves.  We're going to be the heroes of our own lives - and in doing that we're going to give the world exactly what it needs.  

And we're going to be so dang happy.

Be brave my loves, be brave!

I love you!

Blogmas 2017 - Vol.7

On Mommy (Parent) Guilt

Mom guilt is so real life ya'll.  And I feel like when we added little boy to the party it only amplified.  I mean everything amplified because I had a serious case of Postpartum Anxiety (another story for another time).  But now that the proverbial dust has settled the mommy guilt has also settled in hard core.

I love spending time with my kids.  But sometimes they make me crazy. And sometimes I have less than stellar parenting moments because of it.  And then when I get a short break from them I feel bad for leaving them with others.  Or I feel bad for spending any time on myself.  Because there is ALWAYS something else that could be getting done. Laundry, meal prep, cleaning.  ANd for somebody who is pretty self proclaimed type A - the chaos is pretty rough on top of all the guilty feelings.

And then there is the whole working parent thing.  And/or 2 working parent things. And what that means societally, personally etc.  I personally really enjoy my job and I really enjoy spending time with adults. But I also really miss my kids.  But when I'm home with them alone several days in a row I can't WAIT to get back to work where I get to pee by myself and use my brain in a very different way.  And then I feel bad about that. 

I don't know where I'm going with all of this except to say that you mommies and daddies and babas etc out there who are feeling this crushing sense of "I can never give enough in any area of my life" I see you, I feel you, I'm living it. And/or if any of you out there have any strategies for minimizing the guilt - I'd love to hear them.

Because look at these beautiful faces...

...they deserve my best me, and I'm pretty sure the me that feels guilty all the time isn't my best.

Be Brave!

Light in the Darkness - Aka Goodbye Crappy 2016

Happy 2017 my friends!  

My annual re-cap is a day late and to be honest it hasn't been a banner blogging year for me - especially sparse as of late.  But I have a good reason.

In case you missed the news...

Yep, that's right, little ole me is PREGNANT.  And as it turns out - using a lot of science to create a gayby and then making a human life and managing a toddler and a life really take it out of you.

But, even though I'm terrified for this coming New Year, I'm determined to find the shiny side of this new slate.  So, first a quick recap of my paltry blogging and the highlights of our year and then onto some goals and hopes and dreams for 2017.

So without any further a do... 2016 in a nutshell:

JANUARY
I turned 30!  It turns out that I love 30.  I feel good and settled.  I have a wife I love and a beautiful daughter.  And in honor of being 3 decades SP and I drop baby girl off with my parents and head to mexico for a long weekend.  And it's AMAZING!

FEBRUARY
I suck at blogging but in my defense February is a short month.  Baby girl turns ONE whole year old!

MARCH
I finally get around to blogging about baby girl's First Birthday Bash!  It was a perfect celebration of surviving the first year and thanking those who helped us navigate the incredible roller coaster that is parenthood. And somewhere in Feb/March baby girl starts walking!  A whole new crazy world.  We also did a quick run away to the mountains this month and stick baby girl in the snow...she is less than impressed.

APRIL
I catch up a little bit but the time still keeps flying by.  We have a zoo day with friends and celebrate easter with our little family.  We also throw a bangin baby shower for our dear friends...and just in time because their little one showed up shortly after a tad earlier than expected.  (for the record we are in love with that little nugget - including baby girl who asks for her little friendALL the time!)

MAY
We get a housekeeper and life is so much better.  We still have them come in once a month and it seriously has made a huge difference in my happiness level.  We were also supposed to go camping this month but then we all got hand foot and mouth - joy!  Let me tell you what - hand foot and mouth hurts like a you know what!  Don't recommend it!

JUNE
I finally get my summer bucket list up on the blog - even though I barely did any follow up on it (so much suckiness with the blogging this year!).  We did actually do some of the bucket list - we eventually went camping (end of August), we (aka SP) fixed up our master bathroom, we had several brunches with our friends, I killed my tomato plant... 

June was also secretly when we started trying to make baby number two.  I have a TON of hidden journal entries that I will eventually get around to putting up here.  Let's just say that IVF is no joke and neither is OHSS.  I'm a pro at giving myself shots now...and I'm also a pro at having my blood drawn.

And then Orlando happened.  And the human race broke my heart again.  I still don't have any words to talk about it.  Just tears and sorrow.

JULY
At the end of June my parents came to visit and we took baby girl to a little farm and to visit her uncle (but you know...I wrote about it in July)! And then we rapidly followed that up by heading down south to go to a wonderful wedding and spend a week relaxing. Unfortunately this was also when we found out that our first round of IVF had not worked.  It was a rough roller coaster but it was nice to be distracted by the sun and the sand.  And SP and I snuck off for an overnight alone!  

In July baby girl and I also did swimming lessons.  Which.were.awful!  But I'm still glad we did it.  We continued to lie about trying to add a baby to our family ;)  And we babysat a cute baby! 

AUGUST
I suck at blogging.  I go visit some friends in so cal.  I don't say anything about it on the blog because I suck at blogging.  It is a really much needed weekend with some of my most favorite girl friends.  We also go camping - it is hot as you know where.  We also get to do my first shot for IVF #2 in a tent by flashlight...  However baby girl suddenly decides that she loves the water during this camping trip so that's something.

SEPTEMBER
I suck at blogging.  IVF #2 takes place.  On Sept 21st - International Day of Peace - we transfer one embryo.  A week later I get my first EVER positive pregnancy test after a cumulative 3 years of trying.  I spend September at the doctor and being terrified it won't stick.

OCTOBER
I suck at blogging.  Also morning sickness.

NOVEMBER
The election happens.  And once again - heart break.  I kind of spiraled into a dark sadness after that.  And I continue to suck at blogging.

DECEMBER
I finally feel solid enough to announce to the world that baby #2 is coming in June!  I do still suck at blogging though.  We had a wonderful Christmas at home just the 3 of us and then we jetted off to the east coast to spend a week with my grandparents and parents and brother and aunt.  It was busy but wonderful to see them all.

And then here we are...

So 2017...what are we going to do with you eh?  Well for one thing, I won't be making any specific resolutions because they just don't really work for me.  I do have a few concrete goals and I have an overarching theme to work on this year as well.

My concrete goals are relatively simple:

• Send more snail mail!  Send cards for all occasions (ON TIME - that's going to be the real work)  I love snail mail and I know others love it too.  So here's to stimulating the postal service.
• Read more books.  I've gotten back into it lately, but in general I'd like to spend a little less time tv watching and a little more time feeding my book nerd self.
• Find a faith community.  I really miss church and how it feeds my spiritual self.  I wouldn't call myself particularly religious anymore (I once was) but I desperately miss some of the rituals and I miss the community.  And I miss the focus on serving others and self betterment and overall love.  I'm still struggling a lot with the round peg square hole situation I've been feeling about religion since I no longer attend the catholic church...but it's high time I find something that fills my soul.
• Get in the picture.  I'm the quintessential mom behind the camera.  I want to be in the memories too!  And I want to print more pictures and make more photo books.
• Blog 1x per week.  2017 is going to be a banner year - one way or another. And I want the record.  I miss having the memories down on "paper."  And I miss contributing to the online community.
• Healthy Baby Healthy Mama. Take care of myself and this little one I'm growing!  Get him/her here safely!

Overall this year I think I'm going to focus on Finding the Light.  I have a lot of fears about the darkness in this world.  And thusly it is time to be light and live light!  I want to prove people wrong with love.  I want to find the small joys.  I want to build love and light around me.  I want to make the best of whatever comes along.  A small crack in the darkness is all it really takes to start a revolution.  It is time to love fiercely and fight even harder.

Be Brave, Live Bright!

Love,

Sarah

For My Heart Broken Friends

I've been trying to wrap my mind and heart around the Orlando shooting in an LGBT club.

But to be honest I just can't.

It's like in order to not completely fall apart my brain and soul and feelings won't let me fully process this event.

Maybe that's a good survival mechanism or maybe it's selfish or maybe it just it was it is.

Because in the back recesses of my mind all I can think is...that could have been me and my wife.

As a young person, freshly out of the closet, gay clubs are sometimes the only refuge. They are typically the only places where you are one of the many - and sometimes that is a feeling and a safety net one desperately needs as they struggle and grow and change and learn to be in their new skin.

"Gay" has never been my first identifier. I'd like to think my character and being and soul are made of many moving parts and who I sleep with is really not that big of a deal. But the truth is - being gay is probably the singular most shaping thing I've experienced. It tested my relationship with myself and others, it taught me compassion and patience and grace, and it has been a marathon of turning the other cheek.

It has also brought me my greatest most heart exploding joys - my wife and perfect daughter. And embracing being gay has brought me to my truest most authentic self.

This me - the me that once again loves fiercely and vulnerably - this is the me I was always meant to be. And honestly I don't know if I would have gotten here without being a proud, strong, loving, gay woman.

So yes, I am scared. And yes, I am sickeningly heartbroken.

But YES, I will still be out holding my wife's hand and kissing my sweet daughter's cheeks for all the world to see. Because love is always always always stronger than hate.

Be Brave my beautiful friends! Be Brave!

Love,
Sarah

Ps: To my Muslim brothers and sisters. I'm so broken that this tragedy will be used as yet another moment of hate and fear mongering towards you and your religion. Know that I am one more person, lovingly standing in your corner.

Blogmas Vol.17

On Being the Non-Belly Mama

The funny thing is people have a lot of questions about being the non gestational parent and about not being biologically related to your kid.  I guess I find it funny because to me it is not even close to anything important regarding being a parent.

I mean 1/2 of every couple is a non gestational parent - and nobody asks them if they are ok with it. (and yes I'm being very heteronormative in this statement). But it is one of the most common topics around being a non-belly mama.  So let me set a few things straight:

1) There is no question in my mind that I am Baby Girl's mother. SP and I planned and saved and worked to bring her here. I made almost all of the appointments and did a lot of the money related items. I went to EVERY single appointment. And after baby was born I took her to some of her appointments on my own.

2) It doesn't bother me when people say our daughter looks like SP. Why shouldn't she? I think my wife is beautiful (obviously!) why wouldn't I want my daughter to look like her? Does it get obnoxious when that is the ONLY thing people can point out - honestly yes. Because it's like what are you trying to prove? We know she's biologically related to SP. And just for the record, when I'm alone with Baby Girl, people swear up and down she looks like me. The mind is an amazing fake out artist.

3) I am not lacking. There is nothing SP can give her that I can't. I could have induced lactation if I wanted to (I chose not to) but even so, there are plenty of babies that are fed with formula and they are just fine. And I'm pretty sure that's the least important part of parenting - as long as they are healthy and fed, the rest of it is what matters. She doesn't ever need her "real" mother over me.

4) I am her REAL mother. Don't ever suggest or say anything otherwise. Because it is untrue. I am here. Day in and day out wiping butts and noses and doing laundry. I love her and teach her and feed her. I play with her and dress her and care for her. If that's not a real mother, I don't know what is. She takes up every space in my heart (except for a few small spaces reserved for SP and the rest of my family...and crazy Kori)

5) It actually doesn't bother me if you ask who carried her. How you react matters though. If you ask in a kind and interested way so that you can learn more - good for you. If you ask because you need to know who her "real" mother is - we're going to have words.

6) Yes, I am bonded to my daughter. I bonded with her possibly faster than my wife. I don't want to speak for my lovely wifey but when baby girl was born, SP was pretty roughed up. I on the other hand, while exhausted, was able to focus solely on our new little soul. And I had been talking to her and waiting for her and dreaming of her. I was there to cut the cord, and hold her hand while she got weighed, and cleaned and got shots. The moment I saw her, it was all over. My heart was outside my body forever.

7) Yes, I would like to be a belly mama one day. I want to have that experience myself. But here's the caveat - if for some reason, it doesn't work out and we can only have babies carried by SP or carried by another mama - I will STILL be a REAL mother. Because however my babies get to me, whatever paths they take, they are MY babies!

So there you go, that's my experience thus far being a mother. I'm sure my experience will adjust and change with time. But either way - this is my girl, my dream baby!

Merry Blogmas!

Sick Day Selfie

Blogmas Vol. 4

An Ode to my Baby Mama

Dear SP,

I love you! I think sometimes in the midst of working and dogging and babying I forget to recount the ways as often as I should.  So here goes:

Thank you for making me a mama! For living this dream with me and for me. Thank you for growing our own special little human.

Thank you for always taking care of our dogmonsterchild. You know exactly when I can't possibly take anymore. Thank you for always taking her out to poop when it rains and she won't go out alone and acts like acid is falling from the sky.

I love the way you always have a perfect dance move for the moment. I love your shimmies and your shakes. I love your perfect leg kicks and your awesome robot arms. 

I love your unending faith in me. The way you lift me up and believe in me even when I can't believe in myself. The way you encourage me and watch me and care for me.  I love the way you really know me. And the way you work to continue to grow with me.

Thank you for working hard to provide for our family. I love how much you give of yourself. How much you love and care for your coworkers. Thank you for always going the extra mile and working to move up the ranks and give us the best lives we can possibly have.

Thanks for making time for me to take care of me. Thank you for allowing me time for all my introvert needs. For the times I need to lock myself away and read a book. 

I love that you let me watch my cheesy shows. And you know exactly what will give me nightmares. I love that you love boring documentaries. I love that you let me rewatch things until you can recite all the lines! 

Thank you for always vacuuming, de-gunking the drains, and getting the stains out of everything (really awesome for this continual spiller). Thanks for understanding that a clean house means that I will be a less crazy and much happier - even when it doesn't even seem dirty to you.

Thank you for giving into my maniacal holiday spirit. For always encouraging me to get MORE decorations and for trying to see the magic, even when you are feeling the grinch.

I could write a thousand pages on how much I love you. I'm so truly grateful that the universe put us together. I can't imagine a more amazing person to ride this roller coaster ride with me. How lucky I am to be married to my very best friend (we are the cliche in the truest sense)

I love you baby - now and forever in every way possible!

Love,
Muffin Pants  

 

A Big Ol' Slice of Life

I have so many things to catch up on that I'm going to revert to one of those dreaded bullet point blogs in hopes of getting myself caught up so that I can start doing the real deal in depth important (HA) blogs again soon (for my crappy memory's sake if nothing else)

So now in essentially no order here's what's been going on around here...

- Baby girl turned 4 months old and had her 4 month old check up appointment. She is in the 98th percentile for height and the 61st percentile for weight (although I don't know how that's possible because she's got some serious thigh rolls going). She's also in the 98th percentile for head size... big noggin big brains?!  We hope so!  The doc says its nothing to worry about at the moment - usually it's familial (yeah we're talking about you SP!)

- We already marked one thing off our summer bucket list (the list I made but haven't had a chance to post yet...coming soon even if we are a third of the way through the summer already) and took Baby girl swimming at the lake. It was amazing. I miss being by the ocean desperately (10 years later and I still actively miss it all the time) so SP took me to the next closest body of water - a lake -  and it was AMAZING.  It was super warm, because in case you hadn't noticed we're having some kind of crazy drought here in California.

- We also got baby girl in her first pool...she wasn't a huge fan, but it got better with time (might have been a touch too cold...sorry baby girl!)

- SP and I braved 5hr flights with Baby Girl to go to New York and celebrate my grandmother's life. She passed away this past winter but we waited until her birthday in June to celebrate the feisty and amazing spirit she was. It was a wonderful trip and I'm so glad to have been able to spend the time and have Baby Girl meet some of the extended family.  It was sad to say goodbye but it was amazing to see the legacy my grandmother created and the colorful life she lead.

- We got the go ahead to get baby girl started on rice cereal. She is a really really good eater and was definitely a fan of the food (although she couldn't seem to get enough in fast enough for her taste) We haven't had a chance to make it consistent at this point (with the traveling and what not) our plan is to get moving onto other food soon as well. 4.5 months seems early to me but the doc quickly pointed out that she's still getting most of her nutrition from milk, this is just to get her used to eating. And apparently there is some evidence showing that earlier "eating" develops better eating habits (which we are all for!)

 - In other eating news, I've been toying with the idea of going vegan at home. And am slowly moving us that direction. What exactly does that mean you ask...well basically you eat vegan when you eat at home but may choose to eat animal products when eating at others homes or eating out. It's mostly for health and environmental reasons. Its getting harder and harder to deny that eating less animal products seems to be better for your health. So I'll keep you posted about our vegan eating at home...

- At the beginning of June I celebrated my 2 year anniversary at my current job. I still truly love it.  I love my students. I adore the people I work with. Its flexible, fulfilling but also not so much that I feel like I'm drowning. Its still a surprise that one can feel this good at work...

- We also celebrated one of my closest friend's 30th birthdays. We've known each other almost 20 years and it was pretty incredible to celebrate having spent those decades together. We've seen each other through graduations, losing family, losing girlfriends, getting married, having babies - 2 decades of life witnessed together. How lucky am I?

- And to round  out the friend love - one of my other best friends came into town to visit. Baby girl got to meet one of her beautiful Aunties. Another fabulous woman who has witnessed a good 2 decades of my life. The problem however is that it made me miss her even more. Thank goodness for skype and email and airplanes.

- Oh right, and of course, marriage equality passed in the US. But I am still having a hard time celebrating when there is an absolute civil rights crisis occurring for our black brothers and sisters. More to come on this, much much more.

So that's the haps my people. I hope all is well in your corners of the world.  "See" you soon!

Besos,

Sarah