Blogmas 2017 - Vol. 9

For My Light

Dear SP,

This life...I think we can agree that it is C to the razy!  But how lucky am I to have found my most perfect co-pilot?!  We drive each other totally bonkers in the best way possible.  You know just how to make me laugh (Whatever whatever).  You know just how to push my buttons (click those nails one more time...)  You know just how to lift me up, how to make me feel beautiful, and how to calm down my anxiety.

It feels like our lives have been on speed the last 8 years.  Graduations, babies, houses, weddings, babies, dogs, apartments, travel.  I know that sometimes it feels like we don't have a moment to breathe.  And sometimes I know we put ourselves and our marriage at the absolute bottom of the list.  But thank you for running every race with me and climbing every mountain.  For celebrating every moment and every victory.  And for hanging on and fighting and fighting and fighting.

I know that it's going to be another banner year - because apparently this really IS just how life is.  But I couldn't ask for a better partner, cheerleader, and friend to travel this twisty road with.

I love you my darlin.  Forever and always and all ways!

XOXO
Muffin Pants

Blogmas 2017 - Vol. 5

Oooohhh ooohh you're my best friend, you make me live!

Today is blog of gratitude.

For the amazing army of women who surround me.I personally think they are the most amazing women who have ever lived.  Some of them I've known for years and some for only months.  But they each play a perfect and specific role in my life. And I really do have an army of them -  I could write for days and days about each and every one of them.

But today, this blog is a love letter to my twin sister from another mister.

E and I met in college through another dear friend.  It's amazing that our paths had never crossed before but the minute we met we clicked.  It was like finding the other part of my soul.  We suffered the same bizarre medical oddities.  We loved the same things, had the same terrible sense of humor, and many of the same neurosis and anxieties. (for better or for worse)

 

We have seen each other through graduations, heartbreak, family problems, birthdays, babies, new loves, surgeries, weight gains and losses, travels, job changes and and and... 

She has been the witness for essentially the entirety of my adult life - holding my heart tenderly in her hers.  She is the friend who always calls or texts to make sure I'm ok. She is the friend who would drop anything and literally show up on my doorstep.  

E has the best laugh and the worst singing voice - but sing she does!  And it is the most incredible show :)  E has the sweetest most loving heart.  She is the hardest worker.  If anything she could learn to care a little bit less.  She is a freakish overachiever.  She can rock a side pony tail with the best of them.

Most importantly she can love you like you are the most important and wonderful person that ever walked the earth.  She has listened to me cry in person and over the phone more times than I can count.  She has laughed with me until we can't stop crying (or spitting beverages everywhere)  

When SP and I got together I made it clear right from the beginning that she would have to deal with the other women in my life - and that come hell or high water these women would be with me for the rest of my life.  And while SP is the love of my life - E is my platonic soul mate.  

E you are a gift to this world - beautiful in and out.  This life has thrown you some VERY hard curveballs and you have weathered them with strength and grace. You are selfless and kind.  Joyful and quirky.  Most importantly you always always show up - in every way possible.  Thank you for being my forever friend, for holding me up when I'm falling down, and for jumping for joy with me in my most happy moments.

I can't wait to grow old with you on the island of warrior women!

I love you, my friend!

XOXO,

Friendsie face

Blogmas Vol. 11

Dear Baby Girl - Vol. 3

Dear Baby Girl,

Today you are 10months old. 10months ago at 10:27am, after 38hours of hard labor you made your glorious entrance into our lives. And every moment since then has been nothing short of a roller coaster - an amazing one!

Every month has been my favorite. This past month you've been clapping and saying uh-oh all over the place. You smile like a fool...but only when you feel like it. You are most definitely afraid of all adults these days, but you can warm up if given the chance. Little people however seem to be a-ok with you.

You are still a really great baby! You rarely cry and fuss. You still sleep pretty well, although we're going through some sort of fun sleep regression right now where you wake your mom up at about 3am every day - FUN!

You love to eat eat eat!  You have 4 teeth - 2 on the top and 2 on the bottom.  I'm pretty sure one of your top canine teeth. You've sort of learned how to bite with them, but not quite. You are really good at mushing things around with those gums though. You still cry if we don't share food. And if our food looks better than yours - you won't eat yours. Your favorites right now seem to be just about anything. Seriously you eat it all.  You do love cheerios and puffs though. And while you like to feed yourself and want to eat regular food - your not so great at the self regulation (ie you will put 17million cheerios in your mouth at once if given the opportunity) so we have dole things out carefully.  

You are also a crawling, knee standing/knee walking, pulling yourself up fool.  You can't quite get both of your feet up under you yet but you're working really hard on it. And you can definitely reach A LOT from your knees.  You love to chew on the coaster on my night stand. And pull anything off of any horizontal surface possible! Such fun!

You love socks...yeah we don't know. And you love to touch everything you know you shouldn't (light sockets, dog bones etc) Mostly you just like to touch!  You also love the noisest toys possible - again - Such fun!

You are a constant delight. When I pick you up from daycare you and you rush to see me and clap your hands my heart melts into a million pieces. When I tuck you in at night and you make your funny little grunty sounds again...the melting. I hate to watch you cry (except when it's  a little bit funny lets be honest)

I can't wait to see what the next few months bring. I can't believe that in just 2 more months you will have been on this planet (on the outside) for an entire year! But I can't even go THERE yet!

We love you babygirl. More than life it self. More than anything and everything compared. You have brought the greatest lessons and challenges into our lives. And most importantly the greatest joys!

Love,
Mama  

Our favorite "walker"

Baby's first pizza crust!

 

Blogmas Vol. 4

An Ode to my Baby Mama

Dear SP,

I love you! I think sometimes in the midst of working and dogging and babying I forget to recount the ways as often as I should.  So here goes:

Thank you for making me a mama! For living this dream with me and for me. Thank you for growing our own special little human.

Thank you for always taking care of our dogmonsterchild. You know exactly when I can't possibly take anymore. Thank you for always taking her out to poop when it rains and she won't go out alone and acts like acid is falling from the sky.

I love the way you always have a perfect dance move for the moment. I love your shimmies and your shakes. I love your perfect leg kicks and your awesome robot arms. 

I love your unending faith in me. The way you lift me up and believe in me even when I can't believe in myself. The way you encourage me and watch me and care for me.  I love the way you really know me. And the way you work to continue to grow with me.

Thank you for working hard to provide for our family. I love how much you give of yourself. How much you love and care for your coworkers. Thank you for always going the extra mile and working to move up the ranks and give us the best lives we can possibly have.

Thanks for making time for me to take care of me. Thank you for allowing me time for all my introvert needs. For the times I need to lock myself away and read a book. 

I love that you let me watch my cheesy shows. And you know exactly what will give me nightmares. I love that you love boring documentaries. I love that you let me rewatch things until you can recite all the lines! 

Thank you for always vacuuming, de-gunking the drains, and getting the stains out of everything (really awesome for this continual spiller). Thanks for understanding that a clean house means that I will be a less crazy and much happier - even when it doesn't even seem dirty to you.

Thank you for giving into my maniacal holiday spirit. For always encouraging me to get MORE decorations and for trying to see the magic, even when you are feeling the grinch.

I could write a thousand pages on how much I love you. I'm so truly grateful that the universe put us together. I can't imagine a more amazing person to ride this roller coaster ride with me. How lucky I am to be married to my very best friend (we are the cliche in the truest sense)

I love you baby - now and forever in every way possible!

Love,
Muffin Pants  

 

Dear Baby Girl - Vol. 1

Dear Baby Girl,

You are 2months old now. Can you believe it?!  I can't. I feel like its been a blink of an eye and simultaneously like I've known you forever.

The other day I was holding you and feeding you and looking into your eyes and it was right then that I realized that you were actually the baby of my dreams. The fuzzy dream features were yours. And in my dreams you always were a daughter...even if I knew in my rational brain that the chances of your mom and I having a girl were slim. It's kind of shocking to hold your dream come true in your arms. 

Baby girl, I just want you to know how loved you are. I'm pretty sure you know it already though, (you are pretty advanced for 2months...) by the amount of kisses I smother you in and the frequency of times I cry with joy as I hold you. Baby girl, your mom and I, we knew you before you were even born. We loved you and we dreamed about you and having you here now with us is just the greatest gift ever.

We're doing our best baby girl.  I hope you know that too.  Because we know babies can't live on squished cheeks alone. Mom is working hard to fill you full of good food. We're learning how to "talk" to you. We agonize over silly decisions and we worry about you constantly - in a good way. I'm embarrassed to tell you how many times I've checked to make sure you were still breathing (Eleventy-billion in case you were wondering) Luckily(?) you're a noisy girl so we get to be serenaded by your grunts and coos a lot.  In fact you were so noisy that you moved into your own room at just 5 weeks.  Mom and I were so scared - but let me tell you what, listening to our motherly intuition on that one was the best decisions ever! Because 4 hour chunks of sleep are so much better than 1 hour chunks of sleep. You really are a good sleeper but that's about all I can say about that for fear of "the curse."

Recently you've started smiling at me. This has been second only to the experience of falling in love with your mom in the "best things ever" category.  You're also getting really great at tummy time and holding your head up. I've never been so proud of basic bodily movement! And in the TMI category - can we just talk about how you are already the valedictorian of farting my friend. One of our friends used the descriptor Rocket Butt and there couldn't be a more accurate characterization. Don't let all of this go to your head though - because you are still an exhausting adventure my friend - but a wonderful & rewarding adventure nonetheless.

Oh baby girl, I could gush on and on, I just adore you so much. I just can't wait to see how your beautiful life plays out - I promise to try my best not to mess it all up too much! Be Brave!

Love,

Mama

A Love Letter to You! (Yes YOU!)

Dear Friend,

I love you.

I want you to know a few things, can you spare your ear and your heart for a few moments?  

I want you to know that I think of you often.  Even if we haven't spoken or seen each other in years, even if we have never met in real life, I really do think about you.  I bet you think I don't...but I promise you I do.  I wonder what you are doing with this crazy life.  I wonder if it has been kind to you or cruel.  I wonder if you are fighting.  I wonder if you are lonely or afraid or scared.  I'm sure you are sometimes, because aren't we all?  

I want you to know that I care about you.  I genuinely care if you are ok.  I genuinely hope and pray that good things are coming your way...That you feel loved and happy and full.  

I want you to know that you matter.  That your part in this world is important.  That it means something. That the world will never be the same because you are here.  You are contributing something just by breathing, just by being.  Anything you do on top of that is just gravy, it's just even more goodness the world needed from you.

I want you to know that you are not alone.  You might feel alone right now, you might feel like nobody understands, you might feel like there is just nobody.  But I promise you, those are the demons in your mind talking.  In reality you are loved.  You are in my heart.  You have me. I'm here if you need me. Always, forever.  Maybe there's nothing anybody can do to help, but if I can give you one thing - its the peace of knowing that somebody out there loves you (its me by the way!)

I want you to know that you have changed my life.  In some way you have created change inside of me.  You have affected my very being.  And that is the greatest gift that you can give to anyone - Yourself, to help make someone their true selves.  Thank you for offering me that gift.    

I love you.  I truly do.  And I hope you remember that with every single breath that you take into your beautiful mouth.  Know that you are loved, that you are important, that I am grateful for you. I know you are doing BIG things with your life - keep it up! 

And know that I am here..Loving you!

Your friend,

Sarah

Why Tonight (Or The End Of June...) Will Be Momentous For Me.

Prior to getting illegally married to SP, I always did my own taxes.  Turbo tax was pretty self explanatory and I don't make enough money or own enough property or valuable things to make it complicated.  Fill in the blanks.  Get tax return.  (or pay that one HORRIBLE year when all my paperwork was messed up)  This year SP and I took one look at the laws regarding filing taxes as Registered Domestic Partners (RDP) - the gay version of marriage in CA right now - and knew there was no way that we could file our taxes accurately.  And yet, we still don't make a lot of money, we don't own a house, or have children.  So, in reality, we should be able to file together no problem.  And still.  No.  Dice.  So we paid (some really nice people) a decent chunk of our tax return to file our taxes for us.  So that we wouldn't do it wrong.  So that we wouldn't be audited and have it cost us even more of our hard earned money. 

As many of you know SP and I want babies.  The other day I was thinking about what would happen if something happened to either one of us during labor/delivery.  What if there was an emergency?  Would we have a legal right to one another?  Would our families allow us to visit?  Who would get the baby should something terrible happen (premature I know but these thoughts, they come)  What if one of us becomes disabled?  Or hurt?  Or god forbid - Killed.  What if we win the lottery or lose all of our money.  Will we have any legal obligation to one another?

If you've met us, if you've seen us together - you know we love each other.  I can see the love in SP's eyes every day.  I know that we will fight for our illegal marriage no matter what the government or mean spirited people say about us.  We already fought to get here.  We've been tested.  Being Married, legally, it means something.  It holds weight with others.  Because no matter how deep our commitment to one another, no matter how hard we love one another - some people they need a piece of paper to give us what we know we have already earned.  Just by being us and in love.  But on top of the fact that it means something socially.  It means something legally.  And those what if's and tax issues above, those are things that plague SP and I on a regular basis.  And that sort of thing...legalese and hoop jumping...that shouldn't color your marriage.  Because let's be honest, marriage is plenty hard on its own. 

Today many people are wearing red or changing their facebook photos to the red human rights equal sign to show their support for marriage equality in this country.  The solidarity has been surprisingly touching.  I truly hope that future generations will walk through this world with very different lenses - ones that aren't shaded by sexual orientation and gender norms, and discrimination.  And I am reminded that I'm lucky to be alive in history and to stand on what I believe to be the right side of history.   

Remember when separate wasn't equal before?  Just sayin. 

Fingers Crossed. 

30 years ago today...

...God put you on this earth for me.

So really it was 30 years from last Friday but whatever.  And I'm also not going to presume why God puts any of us on this planet.  But I like to think one of the reasons SP & I are here on this planet was to find each other and build our lives and our family together.  So there's that.

On Friday my lovely wife turned the dirty 30.  Why is it dirty you ask?  It's really not.  In fact SP says it's the clean 30's...as in clean slate.  20's are for the birds (and me for a few more years)

Celebrating for SP is a major undertaking.  She doesn't like surprises (control freak - we're made for each other) she doesn't like big celebrations, she likes to pick out her own things - so presents are, to say the least, challenging.  So when posed with the, what will we do for SP's 30th birthday? question, a really big birthday that happens to fall a few months fresh off a wedding and a whirl wind trip to Europe, I was a little bit stumped.  Buying things for SP (physical objects) is mostly like ripping my hair out one strand at a time.  Up to now I'd say the best physical present I've ever purchased for her is an electronic toothbrush - no joke, sistah likes her teeth clean!  So since I already bought her a toothbrush and we can't fit any more "stuff" into our apartment, and I'm not buying a house without her - I knew stuff wasn't the answer.

I had joked a few months ago about going to LA to see "The Book of Mormon the musical" for SP's birthday (she's pretty much a music, musical, theater freak) and then promptly put no more thought into.  Thinking we couldn't possibly do another trip.  Could we? 

COULD WE?

And then I bit the bullet and bought the tickets and pretended like I was going to do a surprise trip (fail) and whisk SP away.

***ASIDE*** SP if you are reading this now, please don't expect any future surprises.  Ever.  The End *** Aside over***

I gave up on the surprise idea about a week ahead of time.  But I did try to take care of some of the details (you know like the having a place to stay and getting there and such)

All in all I would say not-so surprising, surprise birthday weekend  was pretty fabulous.  At least it was for me, I hope it was for SP as well.

We drove down, saw some of the Hollywood sights (oh you know like that one famous theater and some handprints and some stars and stuff) We met up with one best friendsie face whom I have been aching for and saw the Griffith observatory (which is MAGNIFICENT - even if LA is covered in a perpetual blanket of smog) we stuffed ourselves full of Thai food, and whole foods salad bar, and cookies and leftover Halloween candy.  We saw an amazing show (disclaimer - if you are going to see it, it's pretty offensive to Mormons and pretty explicit in language in general - that being said the music and production were out of this world)  And we spent 6 hours in the car talking and laughing and singing (backstreet boys revival)

 

 

We also went to Knott's Berry Farm - where we learned we are TOO OLD for Roller Coasters.  It was super fun though!

Practiced Tourists at WORK

The only nature in the LA area

Mounted Police - Not a sight I associate with LA...hmmm...

Illegal pictures inside the theater ;)

I think 30 is going to be a good year for SP.  I think SP at 30 is going to be good for me too. Now I have an older wiser woman to look up to ;)  JK SP (sort of)  30 is coming to us at a good time.  A time when we are building and building and building.  We have so many exciting things in our future.  And so many scary things.  But I can't wait for them, because they are with you. 

My sweet SP, you are the raddest.  Every single morning I wake up and kiss you good morning I thank God and my sweet stars that you are mine, that you are you, and that we found each other.  My life is full because of you.  I am more ME because of you.  You are the most selfless and loving person I've ever met - and to be on the receiving end of that love and sacrifice is a gift I will never be able to fully repay.  Thank you for your laughter, your smile, your unending hope and encouragement and work.  Thank you for choosing me.  And your welcome for not throwing you a huge over the top 30th birthday - that is my REAL gift to you.  Happy Birthday my love!  Here's to 70 more!

Dear Body

This one is near and dear to my heart.  The idea has been traveling around the internet so I can not take all the credit, but these words are my own.

I know that there are many men out there who suffer from physical self doubt, but this one is for all the women close and far who torture themselves with insecurities.  Who say things to themselves about their bodies that they would never ever under any circumstances say to others.  This is for the beauties that hide and hurt and cry because their bodies do not match those in the magazines, or those that they have created in their minds.  This is for my friends with whom I’ve mutually encouraged self body hatred – we are doing ourselves a disservice and I vow to stop.  Today I am making “Fat” the worst word in the world.  I know that these few words will not take away all of my insecurities.  I know that this apology will not wipe out those bad body days where I discredit everything that my body gives to me.  But it helps.  Every time a woman stands up for the healthy body she has, to herself or others, it helps.  Because my body is a wonder and I am so lucky to have it and that it works.  And because who I am, in myself, is so much more than my body.

******************************************************

Dear Body,

I’m so sorry for how I’ve treated you in the past.  And for the neglect you have sometimes suffered.

I’m sorry for all of the times I have discredited you and devalued all of the amazing talents and skills you possess.
  

I’m sorry for all of the times I’ve pushed you too hard or pushed you too little.

I’m sorry for the times I have put unhealthy things into you for the very wrong reasons.

Please forgive the times I have fried your hair and your skin.

I’m sorry that I don’t let you sleep as much as you need when you need.

I apologize for the sick amts of caffeine you are forced to endure.  And the chemical sweeteners (I’m sorry too that it ain’t changing any time soon)

I’m sorry for the lack of flossing (and sometimes brushing…) and face washing…and moisturizing.

I’m sorry for depriving you of the vitamins you need and then blaming you for the resulting exhaustion.  My bad.

I’m sorry for calling you fat. 

And for all of the negative and disparaging things I have said about you and to you.

I’m so very sorry for all of the times I’ve said I hate you.  I deeply regret not loving you for all of the wonderful things you’ve given me.

I really do love you, you know.  Thanks for hanging in there with me!

Muah.

Love,

Sarah