Arrivederci 2017

Arrivederci 2017

2017 had a lot of darkness. But it had one brilliant bright spot. In June our sweet boy joined our family and we lit up and stretched and grew in so many ways. 

And while I wrote less than ever this year here is where we were in 2017:

January

I turned 31 and spent the day with my darling girl. I was past the 1st trimester and finally not feeling like death. I hit 20wks this month!

February 

Our little girl turned 2! And suddenly was an enormous full sized kid. She continues to light up our lives with her laughter and smiles.

March

We took a babymoon to Catalina and it was amazing! Just me and SP getting pampered and hanging out in the beautiful sunshine! I also went to a work conference and had dinner in bed like a real pregnant lady. I hit the 3rd trimester and got diagnosed with gestational diabetes.

April

Just got bigger and bigger! Had the first Easter that baby girl sort of understood.

May

Got really really big.  Kept waiting for baby to come...not so much

June

Made it all the way to 40wks.  Which almost never happens with gestational diabetes.  Was induced on my due date - long story short, this kid did NOT want to come out.  Induction lasted 3 days/nights and ended in a c-section. (Birth story still to come I swear!)  On the 12th at 10pm this kiddo finally joined our family.  After 5 days in the NICU we all made it home!

This is 40wks to the day, right before leaving to be induced!

July

Just darkness and sleep deprivation.

August

More sleep deprivation. We also go down south to visit the parentals.  Babes first time in the ocean! We make it to the 2 month mark!

September

It is insanely hot where we live.  We go stay in a hotel and it's the best stay-cation ever!

Laughed for the first time on 9/1/17!

October

SP goes on a weekend away with her mom.  I survive a full weekend alone with both kids!  

I also go back to work and live to tell the tale.  It's a rough transition but it's good to be back.  And luckily it's a pretty good transition.  

I'm finally coming out of some pretty intense postpartum anxiety (again, another story that is coming).  We celebrate LB (little Boy's) 1st Halloween.  LG (little girl) is super into it once she realizes people are going to give her candy. She asked to be a dragon this year.  It was amazing and we obliged!

November

5 mos with LB!  He is a smile monster!  He loves his sister.  He loves to eat and is a chunky monkey.  We celebrate thanksgiving.  I remember that Thanksgiving 2016 I was finishing up some really painful shots in my rear end.  LB is totally worth it!

December

I decide to do Blogmas - I think it's mostly a success (?!) LG is in love with Christmas!  We go to my parents and it's fabulous how excited LG is about everything Christmas related.  In fact even today she asked if she could see santa.  And we're full circle!

So that was the year.  Basically a big blur - especially the last 6 mos.  And a lot of it was really really hard.  But there were clearly some beautiful moments as well.  So 2018 what will you have in store, that is the question. I've been racking my brain to try to figure out what I want to focus on this coming year and I've come up with a couple of things:

1) Showing up.  Putting my body, mind, and soul where my mouth is.  Along with my dollars and votes of course.  I need to start really calling my representatives and putting myself in protests that I believe in.  I have work to do in being the best ally I can be. And in general I just have a lot to learn even when its scary or sad or hard.  So I think the first step is to just keep showing up and sitting in all the discomfort and fear.

2) Saying no.  I've gotten into a bad habit again where I'm falling into the busy trap.  And where I neglect myself to please others. Some of it is out of necessity (I have kids that have to be taken care of and my needs have to be put aside) and some of it is just a bad case of people pleasing and guilt.  It's ok to say no.  So no no nooooooo! 

3) Be Brave!  It's time to get back to being brave.  To remember that being brave means being vulnerable.  Means being recklessly kind. It means showing up and also sometimes saying no.  It means doing things even when it's hard. It means finding the pieces of myself that seem to be buried. And letting go of things that aren't serving me. It means letting go of perfection and fear and embracing joy and gratitude.  Because just being happy and grateful makes everything enough. 

Much love my friends!  I know 2017 was rough on many (all?) of us personally, politically, professionally etc...  But I think that in 2018 we are going to dig out the good. We're going to love the crap out of each other.  We are going to be our bravest best selves.  We're going to be the heroes of our own lives - and in doing that we're going to give the world exactly what it needs.  

And we're going to be so dang happy.

Be brave my loves, be brave!

I love you!

Blogmas 2017 - Vol. 9

For My Light

Dear SP,

This life...I think we can agree that it is C to the razy!  But how lucky am I to have found my most perfect co-pilot?!  We drive each other totally bonkers in the best way possible.  You know just how to make me laugh (Whatever whatever).  You know just how to push my buttons (click those nails one more time...)  You know just how to lift me up, how to make me feel beautiful, and how to calm down my anxiety.

It feels like our lives have been on speed the last 8 years.  Graduations, babies, houses, weddings, babies, dogs, apartments, travel.  I know that sometimes it feels like we don't have a moment to breathe.  And sometimes I know we put ourselves and our marriage at the absolute bottom of the list.  But thank you for running every race with me and climbing every mountain.  For celebrating every moment and every victory.  And for hanging on and fighting and fighting and fighting.

I know that it's going to be another banner year - because apparently this really IS just how life is.  But I couldn't ask for a better partner, cheerleader, and friend to travel this twisty road with.

I love you my darlin.  Forever and always and all ways!

XOXO
Muffin Pants

Blogmas 2017 - Vol. 3

Oh Christmas Tree....

We went on the Wednesday after thanksgiving - I wanted to go the second thanksgiving was over but you know life... so instead we went on a random night when we both got home a tad earlier than normal. We decided to take our chances with hungry tired kids and rushed over to our local parking lot tree farm :)

And honestly it was the prefect 30 mins of smelling trees and forcing my wife to pull them out one by one while I decided they were too skinny or too short or not fluffy enough.  And then the lovely man from the Depot pulled one out and we decided we were too tired to keep looking.  And it looked good...enough.  And it smelled Awesome!!!

And then I left my wife in the parking lot with a big ol' christmas tree and piled the cold hungry tired kiddos into the car.  And then...I got In n Out and met her at home.

We dragged the tree inside and left it there for a couple days ;)  And let it smell up the place.  

Yesterday we pulled down the decorations (and by we I mean SP) And we wrapped some big ol' bulbs around the tree and let LG pile all the ornaments in one place.  

Our tree (Eloise this year) looks. a. hot. mess.

And it is perfect.

It is full of travel memories (we buy one everywhere we go). And it is full of homemade memories.  And sparkles.

And it is perfect.

And it smells perfect.

Happy Christmas!

 Also this is my Dream Baby #2 chewing on the magic christmas ornament of yore!

For My Heart Broken Friends

I've been trying to wrap my mind and heart around the Orlando shooting in an LGBT club.

But to be honest I just can't.

It's like in order to not completely fall apart my brain and soul and feelings won't let me fully process this event.

Maybe that's a good survival mechanism or maybe it's selfish or maybe it just it was it is.

Because in the back recesses of my mind all I can think is...that could have been me and my wife.

As a young person, freshly out of the closet, gay clubs are sometimes the only refuge. They are typically the only places where you are one of the many - and sometimes that is a feeling and a safety net one desperately needs as they struggle and grow and change and learn to be in their new skin.

"Gay" has never been my first identifier. I'd like to think my character and being and soul are made of many moving parts and who I sleep with is really not that big of a deal. But the truth is - being gay is probably the singular most shaping thing I've experienced. It tested my relationship with myself and others, it taught me compassion and patience and grace, and it has been a marathon of turning the other cheek.

It has also brought me my greatest most heart exploding joys - my wife and perfect daughter. And embracing being gay has brought me to my truest most authentic self.

This me - the me that once again loves fiercely and vulnerably - this is the me I was always meant to be. And honestly I don't know if I would have gotten here without being a proud, strong, loving, gay woman.

So yes, I am scared. And yes, I am sickeningly heartbroken.

But YES, I will still be out holding my wife's hand and kissing my sweet daughter's cheeks for all the world to see. Because love is always always always stronger than hate.

Be Brave my beautiful friends! Be Brave!

Love,
Sarah

Ps: To my Muslim brothers and sisters. I'm so broken that this tragedy will be used as yet another moment of hate and fear mongering towards you and your religion. Know that I am one more person, lovingly standing in your corner.

10 x 3

Today is my 30th birthday.

3 decades of riding around on this planet. 10,950 days of waking up in this beautiful world.

Birthday Girl and my AMAZING CAKE!

I know many of you are thinking...you're a baby.  And many of you are thinking...OLD LADY. Me?  I'm thinking...lucky me!  I have had the joy and privilege of making it this far!

I have to say... this little life of mine thus far has been quite the grand adventure. I have been extremely privileged to travel and experience and see and do so many things. 

Party Animals!

Turning 30 does make me think though.

It does remind me that time is passing. And that I need to spend as much time as I have left making it count. I still desperately want to leave my mark on this world in my own small ways. I still have dreams and want to make them real. I want to see as much of this gorgeous planet as I possibly can. I want to learn more, be kinder, be more generous, grow grow grow - because what else are we here for?

One of my friends once said something along the lines that our job here on earth is to gently and with kindness love those around us into their best selves. And I couldn't agree more.  And in the process won't we also love ourselves into our best selves?

Today also happens to be, for many Christian religions - The Epiphany.  It marks the end of the 12 days of Christmas and is a celebration of the Magi's visit to the Christ child. The 3 wise men found this child by following a Star across a desert.

I've always liked that my birthday fell on this holy day. I know in historical reality it all likely happened in March and who knows what actually happened.  But the celebration of following the light...that is something I can most definitely get behind.

I think that is what I've realized after 3 X 10. I AM here for a very important reason. And having this baby girl in my life has brought this privilege and work right out into the bright light. We really do have much work to do. And 30 year old Sarah is ready for that kind of work. To make me, my best self - and hopefully love those around me with as much brilliance as I can manage - because when you light people up - their beauty and joy and gifts can't be hidden.  

So I've decided, 30 year old Sarah, she will be following the light - just like the wise men before her!  

Because who knows what's under that star...

XOXOX

Sarah

Be Brave!

 Scenes from Birthday Day!

30 looks pretty good on me if I do say so myself!

Goodbye Hello - On Being In It in 2016

Image Credit

Oh 2015...you were quite the epic year.

January 
I celebrated my 29th birthday (oh yes...that does in fact mean the big 3-0 is coming rapidly) and we prepped for Baby Girl.  And that's about all we did.

February

Baby Girl is BORN!  We find out she is in fact baby girl. We find out SP is a BEAST of a woman. My dream baby has finally made her way to me. I basically cry all the time.

March

No blogging in March.  Probably because I've never been so tired in my entire life. The first month of baby girl's life is a DOOZY. SP and I fight our way through it...but it is HARD!

April

We are finally starting to get our footing.  I take a few minutes and tell the story of the day I was reborn as a Mother. I also take some time to write my first love letter to baby girl.  We also talked AGAIN about how #lovecan'twait

May

Another lost month. Probably because SP goes back to work this month.  I spend a week off with my girl and then we transition her into day care. SP and I are still exhausted and still trying to figure out what in the world we're doing.

June

I talk about how we took baby girl to my parent's house when she was 6 weeks old (yay flying with a newborn!) And we also dressed baby girl up for the first time! Also MARRIAGE EQUALITY PASSES in the US!

July

Not so much with the writing still.  However I recap how in June we took baby girl across the country to celebrate the life of my grandmother. We talk about how baby girl started solids at just 4 months old. In June, we also celebrated one Best Friend's big 3-0. And another Best Friend comes from across the country to visit :)

August

I talk about how having a baby has sucked away all of my time and I no longer have any hobbies or any free time (what even is that?!) We also go to the Pear Fair which is basically the cutest thing ever!

September

Another letter to baby girl and basically that's all I can manage this month! We're fresh off a week with the grandparents though which was super nice!

October

Another lost month in terms of blogging. It was baby girl's first Halloween :) And Apple Orchard time! Yum! Sadly we lost SP's grandparents at the end of this month and Baby Girl went on her first looonnnggg roadtrip to Utah to say goodbye to her namesake and meet many many of her relatives.

November

Pictures from October! Including the Dread Pirate herself! And my parents come to visit again!  And we take Grandma to the Apple Orchards again!

December

In December I straight up lose my mind and decide to blog every day until Christmas. I write about everything from Thanksgiving to starting bootcamp to how much I love my SP!  I also wrote about our beautiful tree Harriet and our crazy dogo and another letter to baby girl.  I talked about how sometimes things are just stinkin hard. One of my most favorite blogmas blogs however was about being a non-belly mama and how treasured and real that role is. Another important one was about how we must help our suffering brothers and sisters fleeing in the middle east (you can still help!!!) And then it was Christmas! And what a beautiful day it was indeed! If nothing else it pushed me out of my writing rut!  

 

And here we are now - 2015 was an epic year. It was my mama-birth year as my beautiful girl barreled into this world and changed everything. And our hearts grew more than 3 sizes the day she came to us and they've been growing ever since - as has she. Learning to be a mama and how to love and care and grow with this little monster baby has consumed us completely. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

 

So 2016 - what are we going to do with you? That is the question. Sure I have a list of resolutions I could come up with. Many related to being healthy or changing my body. (The healthy has become even more important to me, I have to say, in hopes of being around as long as humanly possible for this little one who has stolen my heart.) I'm sure I could come up with plenty of goals about finances and cleanliness and organization. And in reality, many of those lists/details are floating around in my mind - things I'm sure I will think about as we progress through another trip around the sun.

 

But overall I want only one thing this coming year - one big hope for myself:

To be Present. 

 

I just want to not miss it, you know? This precious time I have on this planet. These sacred moments as I watch my girl grow and the time I get to spend with the love of my life. I want to see it all and know it all and be in it all. I want to stop getting stuck in the crappy little details of each day and I want nothing to do with the busy trap that keeps taking hold. I want to spend all the time I'm wasting worrying about stupid, insignificant things on much more important things like trips to the park, and baby smiles, and hugs from my wife. Because I'm pretty sure at the end of the day, at the end of my life - those are the things I'm going to remember. And if this past year is any indication of how sweepingly quickly the time really does go - then I've got to dig my heels in and do everything in my power to slow it down and not blink and not miss any perfect moment. Don't get me wrong - I know there will be bad days, or bad moments - but I just don't want to miss any of it. I don't want to be lost in my own panicked mind when I could be right here - living it all!

 

So here we are - 2016, you have some mighty shoes to fill!

 

And to you, my friends, out there in the interwebs and the world - I wish you love and light and hope! Happy New Year and Happy New You!

 

Be Brave! 

 

I Love You!

-Sarah

Blogmas Vol. 7

Ok friends - here's the rub. 

I have no time to do anything cool and thus I have nothing to write about. I mean I could talk about current events or something...like I could talk about the presidential candidates and how the state of politics in this country just makes me sad and how some of the candidates make me question the whole concept of kindness and empathy (he who shall not be named). Or I could talk about the whole Syrian debacle but I think I've probably opened my big mouth about that plenty already and again the whole thing makes my heart break. I could talk about gun control but that's a can of worms I'm just not ready to open on here.

The thing is this time of year I always think about how I could do better.  I think about how I would react if a struggling couple came to my door.  I think about the world I want my daughter to grow up in and how I can help shape it to be the dream I want it to be for her. The problem is... it all seems really dark sometimes. It seems like too much.  It seems like too much heart break and too much loss. I want more than anything to believe that people are good but I'm so scared sometimes of other people. And I hate that. It is the worst thing I think to be so conditioned to be afraid of strangers - and I want no part of it. But how do you fight that feeling with all the darkness pressing in from every angle?!  With all of the sorrow and heartbreak and tragedy that surrounds us all.the.freakin.time?

I honestly don't know. Some days the darkness presses down pretty hard, I won't lie, and I'm fearful and sad. But then I remember the little lights. The smiles of my innocent baby girl, who has the hope and the world and all the potential wrapped up in her tiny little being. My friends - all good people who make this world vibrant and kind and hard working. I think of my colleagues - in the trenches of student development every.single.day - working their darndest to help students and coworkers to unlearn hard, horrible things. Working their darndest to help develop our future leaders, thinkers, do-ers - and compassionate, empathetic people. I remember the dissenting voices out their, who speak out against the darkness at every turn. And the proverbial "little guy" who stands up and speaks when everything around him tries to silence him.

I just know we can better, do better, love more, be kinder. Because despite all the darkness, despite all the tragedy and heartbreak - there are always little lights. And little lights, when put all together, shine extra bright! Each speck adds something special. Each light breaks away just a little more of the darkness.

So be you my friends. Be brave. Do the right thing even when its the hardest thing. Choose love, even when you don't want to. Forgive again. Say yes. Say no. Smile when you can. Most of all, love love love!  

Because I know you, my people, are the brightest lights out there! And when the darkness starts to press in - look for me - because I'll be in the dark corner with my little light - waiting just for you!

Be Brave!

Dear Baby Girl - Vol. 2

Dear Baby Girl,

It's been awhile since I wrote to you - sorry about that.  It turns out that you take up A LOT of my time.  And yet there is never enough.  There is never enough time to snuggle you, or play with you or hold you.  I don't even mind changing your diapers all the time because it's another few mins we get to hang out.  And you always laugh as you wiggle around and try to eat your feet.

You're almost 7 months now sweet heart and I can't believe it.  You are one big baby girl - 17lbs 5oz at your last check up and your'e in the 98th percentile for height - you are going to be one tall chica! You're eating up a storm these days. Although every time we introduce a new food you definitely think we're trying to poison you. I know mashed peas taste like crap baby but apparently this is the kind of stuff we're supposed to expose you to. The faces you make when you try something new are the absolute best, most hysterical things I've ever seen. I especially like when you pretend like you're gagging. You've decided some food isn't poisonous though - sweet potatoes and carrots seem to be on the acceptable list.  Banana is borderline.  Peas are definitely a no-go.  You'd really prefer to feed yourself and I think you don't like mashed foods so we are toying with the idea of "baby led-weaning." Mama however is really terrified of you choking...so we'll see how that progresses. 

You've also most definitely found your voice these days.  Mom calls you a baby pterodactyl. I love to hear your babbling and shrieking,  You only say mamamama when you are mad so I'm not so sure we can count it as your first word.  Sometimes you scream so loud that the poor dog cowers or cries.  When you wake up in the morning or after a nap you just babble away until someone comes to get you.  Most of the time you are a very low key baby (things you should never type out 101).  You play by yourself, you let us snuggle you up, and you are smiling like a big old cheese ball these days.

Lucky for you Grandma and Grandpa came to visit for a week recently.  Youre Uncle also came to play with you.  You were the center of attention for 1 whole week and you ate it up.  You loved reading books with grandpa and cheesin at grandma.  And you love to pull uncle's hair and grab his nose and feel his beard.  And they all seem pretty smitten with you too.  Although grandma and grandpa keep telling us how lucky we are that you're so good natured...I don't know, I think we can take some credit for that can't we?! ;)

I love you so much baby girl, I can't even believe it.  How can my heart possibly take any more? Every day is a new and beautiful discovery for you.  The smallest things are funny or interesting to you - thank you for giving us that window into this wondrous world we live in.  Your mom and I, we just can't believe we are lucky enough that you chose us to be your parents.  Thanks for making us an even more beautiful family!

Love,
Mama

Grandpa and Grandma and Baby Bean!

A Big Ol' Slice of Life

I have so many things to catch up on that I'm going to revert to one of those dreaded bullet point blogs in hopes of getting myself caught up so that I can start doing the real deal in depth important (HA) blogs again soon (for my crappy memory's sake if nothing else)

So now in essentially no order here's what's been going on around here...

- Baby girl turned 4 months old and had her 4 month old check up appointment. She is in the 98th percentile for height and the 61st percentile for weight (although I don't know how that's possible because she's got some serious thigh rolls going). She's also in the 98th percentile for head size... big noggin big brains?!  We hope so!  The doc says its nothing to worry about at the moment - usually it's familial (yeah we're talking about you SP!)

- We already marked one thing off our summer bucket list (the list I made but haven't had a chance to post yet...coming soon even if we are a third of the way through the summer already) and took Baby girl swimming at the lake. It was amazing. I miss being by the ocean desperately (10 years later and I still actively miss it all the time) so SP took me to the next closest body of water - a lake -  and it was AMAZING.  It was super warm, because in case you hadn't noticed we're having some kind of crazy drought here in California.

- We also got baby girl in her first pool...she wasn't a huge fan, but it got better with time (might have been a touch too cold...sorry baby girl!)

- SP and I braved 5hr flights with Baby Girl to go to New York and celebrate my grandmother's life. She passed away this past winter but we waited until her birthday in June to celebrate the feisty and amazing spirit she was. It was a wonderful trip and I'm so glad to have been able to spend the time and have Baby Girl meet some of the extended family.  It was sad to say goodbye but it was amazing to see the legacy my grandmother created and the colorful life she lead.

- We got the go ahead to get baby girl started on rice cereal. She is a really really good eater and was definitely a fan of the food (although she couldn't seem to get enough in fast enough for her taste) We haven't had a chance to make it consistent at this point (with the traveling and what not) our plan is to get moving onto other food soon as well. 4.5 months seems early to me but the doc quickly pointed out that she's still getting most of her nutrition from milk, this is just to get her used to eating. And apparently there is some evidence showing that earlier "eating" develops better eating habits (which we are all for!)

 - In other eating news, I've been toying with the idea of going vegan at home. And am slowly moving us that direction. What exactly does that mean you ask...well basically you eat vegan when you eat at home but may choose to eat animal products when eating at others homes or eating out. It's mostly for health and environmental reasons. Its getting harder and harder to deny that eating less animal products seems to be better for your health. So I'll keep you posted about our vegan eating at home...

- At the beginning of June I celebrated my 2 year anniversary at my current job. I still truly love it.  I love my students. I adore the people I work with. Its flexible, fulfilling but also not so much that I feel like I'm drowning. Its still a surprise that one can feel this good at work...

- We also celebrated one of my closest friend's 30th birthdays. We've known each other almost 20 years and it was pretty incredible to celebrate having spent those decades together. We've seen each other through graduations, losing family, losing girlfriends, getting married, having babies - 2 decades of life witnessed together. How lucky am I?

- And to round  out the friend love - one of my other best friends came into town to visit. Baby girl got to meet one of her beautiful Aunties. Another fabulous woman who has witnessed a good 2 decades of my life. The problem however is that it made me miss her even more. Thank goodness for skype and email and airplanes.

- Oh right, and of course, marriage equality passed in the US. But I am still having a hard time celebrating when there is an absolute civil rights crisis occurring for our black brothers and sisters. More to come on this, much much more.

So that's the haps my people. I hope all is well in your corners of the world.  "See" you soon!

Besos,

Sarah