Arrivederci 2017

Arrivederci 2017

2017 had a lot of darkness. But it had one brilliant bright spot. In June our sweet boy joined our family and we lit up and stretched and grew in so many ways. 

And while I wrote less than ever this year here is where we were in 2017:

January

I turned 31 and spent the day with my darling girl. I was past the 1st trimester and finally not feeling like death. I hit 20wks this month!

February 

Our little girl turned 2! And suddenly was an enormous full sized kid. She continues to light up our lives with her laughter and smiles.

March

We took a babymoon to Catalina and it was amazing! Just me and SP getting pampered and hanging out in the beautiful sunshine! I also went to a work conference and had dinner in bed like a real pregnant lady. I hit the 3rd trimester and got diagnosed with gestational diabetes.

April

Just got bigger and bigger! Had the first Easter that baby girl sort of understood.

May

Got really really big.  Kept waiting for baby to come...not so much

June

Made it all the way to 40wks.  Which almost never happens with gestational diabetes.  Was induced on my due date - long story short, this kid did NOT want to come out.  Induction lasted 3 days/nights and ended in a c-section. (Birth story still to come I swear!)  On the 12th at 10pm this kiddo finally joined our family.  After 5 days in the NICU we all made it home!

This is 40wks to the day, right before leaving to be induced!

July

Just darkness and sleep deprivation.

August

More sleep deprivation. We also go down south to visit the parentals.  Babes first time in the ocean! We make it to the 2 month mark!

September

It is insanely hot where we live.  We go stay in a hotel and it's the best stay-cation ever!

Laughed for the first time on 9/1/17!

October

SP goes on a weekend away with her mom.  I survive a full weekend alone with both kids!  

I also go back to work and live to tell the tale.  It's a rough transition but it's good to be back.  And luckily it's a pretty good transition.  

I'm finally coming out of some pretty intense postpartum anxiety (again, another story that is coming).  We celebrate LB (little Boy's) 1st Halloween.  LG (little girl) is super into it once she realizes people are going to give her candy. She asked to be a dragon this year.  It was amazing and we obliged!

November

5 mos with LB!  He is a smile monster!  He loves his sister.  He loves to eat and is a chunky monkey.  We celebrate thanksgiving.  I remember that Thanksgiving 2016 I was finishing up some really painful shots in my rear end.  LB is totally worth it!

December

I decide to do Blogmas - I think it's mostly a success (?!) LG is in love with Christmas!  We go to my parents and it's fabulous how excited LG is about everything Christmas related.  In fact even today she asked if she could see santa.  And we're full circle!

So that was the year.  Basically a big blur - especially the last 6 mos.  And a lot of it was really really hard.  But there were clearly some beautiful moments as well.  So 2018 what will you have in store, that is the question. I've been racking my brain to try to figure out what I want to focus on this coming year and I've come up with a couple of things:

1) Showing up.  Putting my body, mind, and soul where my mouth is.  Along with my dollars and votes of course.  I need to start really calling my representatives and putting myself in protests that I believe in.  I have work to do in being the best ally I can be. And in general I just have a lot to learn even when its scary or sad or hard.  So I think the first step is to just keep showing up and sitting in all the discomfort and fear.

2) Saying no.  I've gotten into a bad habit again where I'm falling into the busy trap.  And where I neglect myself to please others. Some of it is out of necessity (I have kids that have to be taken care of and my needs have to be put aside) and some of it is just a bad case of people pleasing and guilt.  It's ok to say no.  So no no nooooooo! 

3) Be Brave!  It's time to get back to being brave.  To remember that being brave means being vulnerable.  Means being recklessly kind. It means showing up and also sometimes saying no.  It means doing things even when it's hard. It means finding the pieces of myself that seem to be buried. And letting go of things that aren't serving me. It means letting go of perfection and fear and embracing joy and gratitude.  Because just being happy and grateful makes everything enough. 

Much love my friends!  I know 2017 was rough on many (all?) of us personally, politically, professionally etc...  But I think that in 2018 we are going to dig out the good. We're going to love the crap out of each other.  We are going to be our bravest best selves.  We're going to be the heroes of our own lives - and in doing that we're going to give the world exactly what it needs.  

And we're going to be so dang happy.

Be brave my loves, be brave!

I love you!

Blogmas 2017 - Vol. 12

6 Months With Little Buddy

I can't believe that it's already been 6 months since this little one made his way into this world. (His birth story is coming still I promise.)

Little Buddy is the snuggliest, smiliest kid I ever did see.  He is 20lbs of chunky love. Tomorrow is his 6mo appointment, and I can't wait to see his stats - he's just a big ol' squish.

His favorite things as of late are:
-putting everything in his mouth
-putting everything in his mouth
and oh yeah
-putting everything in his mouth ;)

Jk, but that is probably top of the list.

Favorites
-chomping on all the things
-mama milk - and a lot of it
-the exersaucer
-tv, kid will CRANK his head around to see a screen if he can
-his sister
-his moms
-his friends at daycare (they LOVE baby "donah")
-trying to grab the dog
-rolling like a rolly polly

Dislikes
-rice cereal...just does not seem to care
-the fact that he can not crawl yet
-being left alone for too long
-being made to wait for the mama milk
-seriously...that's it, and I had to really think for those.

Generally little buddy is a super mellow guy.  He has the best laugh - and he shares it frequently.  He sleeps a full night and still takes 2-3naps a day. He does wonderfully at daycare and is loved within an inch of his life.  He can't quite sit up yet - but he's definitely trying (his head is so big!)  He loves trying to eat his feet but his big belly sometimes gets in the way. 

We're so lucky you decided to join our family!  We love you little buddy!

Blogmas 2017 - Vol. 9

For My Light

Dear SP,

This life...I think we can agree that it is C to the razy!  But how lucky am I to have found my most perfect co-pilot?!  We drive each other totally bonkers in the best way possible.  You know just how to make me laugh (Whatever whatever).  You know just how to push my buttons (click those nails one more time...)  You know just how to lift me up, how to make me feel beautiful, and how to calm down my anxiety.

It feels like our lives have been on speed the last 8 years.  Graduations, babies, houses, weddings, babies, dogs, apartments, travel.  I know that sometimes it feels like we don't have a moment to breathe.  And sometimes I know we put ourselves and our marriage at the absolute bottom of the list.  But thank you for running every race with me and climbing every mountain.  For celebrating every moment and every victory.  And for hanging on and fighting and fighting and fighting.

I know that it's going to be another banner year - because apparently this really IS just how life is.  But I couldn't ask for a better partner, cheerleader, and friend to travel this twisty road with.

I love you my darlin.  Forever and always and all ways!

XOXO
Muffin Pants

Blogmas 2017 - Vol. 5

Oooohhh ooohh you're my best friend, you make me live!

Today is blog of gratitude.

For the amazing army of women who surround me.I personally think they are the most amazing women who have ever lived.  Some of them I've known for years and some for only months.  But they each play a perfect and specific role in my life. And I really do have an army of them -  I could write for days and days about each and every one of them.

But today, this blog is a love letter to my twin sister from another mister.

E and I met in college through another dear friend.  It's amazing that our paths had never crossed before but the minute we met we clicked.  It was like finding the other part of my soul.  We suffered the same bizarre medical oddities.  We loved the same things, had the same terrible sense of humor, and many of the same neurosis and anxieties. (for better or for worse)

 

We have seen each other through graduations, heartbreak, family problems, birthdays, babies, new loves, surgeries, weight gains and losses, travels, job changes and and and... 

She has been the witness for essentially the entirety of my adult life - holding my heart tenderly in her hers.  She is the friend who always calls or texts to make sure I'm ok. She is the friend who would drop anything and literally show up on my doorstep.  

E has the best laugh and the worst singing voice - but sing she does!  And it is the most incredible show :)  E has the sweetest most loving heart.  She is the hardest worker.  If anything she could learn to care a little bit less.  She is a freakish overachiever.  She can rock a side pony tail with the best of them.

Most importantly she can love you like you are the most important and wonderful person that ever walked the earth.  She has listened to me cry in person and over the phone more times than I can count.  She has laughed with me until we can't stop crying (or spitting beverages everywhere)  

When SP and I got together I made it clear right from the beginning that she would have to deal with the other women in my life - and that come hell or high water these women would be with me for the rest of my life.  And while SP is the love of my life - E is my platonic soul mate.  

E you are a gift to this world - beautiful in and out.  This life has thrown you some VERY hard curveballs and you have weathered them with strength and grace. You are selfless and kind.  Joyful and quirky.  Most importantly you always always show up - in every way possible.  Thank you for being my forever friend, for holding me up when I'm falling down, and for jumping for joy with me in my most happy moments.

I can't wait to grow old with you on the island of warrior women!

I love you, my friend!

XOXO,

Friendsie face

He's Earthside! (And I'm Still Here Too!)

Tap Tap Tap.... is this thing on?

Hello Friends!

Well... Apparently I fell off the planet there for awhile... but I've thought of this space often.  I compose blog posts in my head all the time.  And then they get lost in there with the sleep deprivation and the details of every day life with a newborn and toddler.  Oh yeah and a wife.  (and a CRAZY dog...don't worry, cuckoo dog is still going strong)

So what has happened in the last 7ish months you ask?

Oh just a whole lifetimes worth of stuff!

But the most important being that I successfully remained pregnant for 40 weeks and after a very hard labor and somewhat intense delivery our little BOY joined our family!

We've been a family of four for just about 7.5weeks now.  And it has been hard and exhausting and incredible and joyful and just about every other emotion you can imagine.  Our not so little girl has been doing incredibly well adjusting to the roll of big sister.  (Although to be fair, she has definitely been really clingy...)  She loves her baby brother so much.  She comes running through the door after day care each day looking for him!  She likes to give him hugs and bring him toys and talk to him.  She says he talks back...and smiles at her.  And sometimes he really does!

Baby brother (who I believe is going to be called Winston here - as one of my amazing blog friend over at Little Monsters and Mommies says he looks like Winston Churchill...and I kind of agree) is doing pretty well. He's turning into quite a chunk in his 7 week old age.  We struggled quite a bit with colic and probably reflux in the beginning - a rough change from our first born who was a pretty mellow kid.  But he's coming around and we're better equipped after a few weeks.  He really is adorable though, with cheeks for days.  And he's starting to smile - which is amazing because baby girl was NOT a smiley baby!  So I'm really hoping Baby Brother is going to be our chubby smiley kid!

My wife is a champion!  She has been taking care of me and the babies and the furbaby and the house and basically everything else.  The fact that she's still standing after 7 weeks of nonsense - It's pretty incredible!  Newborns are hard on marriage - and we've cried and fought and suffered - but we're most definitely coming out the other side.  And the sunshine on this side of the darkness is DAZZLING.  The future is oh so bright y'all.

I'm doing well, all things considered, I think!  It's been quite a whirlwind of pregnancy and delivery and maternity leave. But as it turns out - my body is the champion of healing (even if it wasn't quite the best at pregnancy/delivery).  And it turns out that I'm still in love with being a mother.  And I still adore my wife and the incredible life we've built.

So that's what's happening over here.  

Birth story to come soon!  Before I forget!  And some updates about this new little nugget that has joined our family.  And maybe a few summer updates before summer disappears (where in the world is the time and this year going?!)

Love to you all!  Glad to be back!

XOXOX
Sarah

And a sneak peak:

 

Why I Let Them See Me Cry

Dear Friends,

Yesterday was a very hard day for me.  I know it was also a very hard day for many of my brothers and sisters across this nation.  

I spent Nov 8th in a haze of hopefulness - assured that love and sanity would win.  I took my daughter to the polls with me - so that she could be part of voting for our 1st woman president.

And then as the night wore on and I sat with my wife in our living room watching the results unfold the tears came with a vengeance. I sobbed into my wife's chest about my fears for our family and our friends and our daughters. I tried to sleep that night, but honestly there wasn't much of that.  

And then next morning, when my alarm went off in the dark, I pried myself out of bed and carried on.  I hugged my sweet darling daughter who delighted in her pancake.  I kissed my wife.  And I let the tears come.  

I pulled it together enough to get my daughter to daycare and get myself to work (although no lie my coworker and I cried on the way to work) But once I got there I just could not hold it together.  The tears and the fears and the feelings they just had to come out.  I knew I needed to suck the tears back in since I had coworkers and faculty and students coming by all day...

But I just couldn't.

And then I decided I shouldn't.

Because in those moments.  I was (and am) legitimately terrified about the outcome of the election.  I needed the people around me to see that this decision, this moment, these feelings were real.  

I am so scared of the country and world we have created.  I am so scared for my daughter and what it means for her to grow up as a girl in this world. And as the daughter of two moms. I am scared for my Muslim friends who have already been living in a place of fear and hatred - that just got exponentially worse.  I am scared for my friends of color who's lives and hearts are in danger every single day - who are being told time and time again that they don't matter. I am scared for my differently-able friends who have to hear a bunch of garbage about PC-ness, who's needs and experiences are being invisibilized. I am scared for my undocumented friends who now constantly fear their families being ripped to shreds.  I am genuinely scared.

And that fear and loss of hope broke something inside me.  This is what many of my friends feel on a regular basis - this disenfranchisement and fear and brokenness. I have not done enough - and for that I am eternally sorry.  Know that I am sitting here with you in this discomfort - I'm leaning into it and learning from it. I'm letting my heart break in hopes that it will grow stronger as each scar repairs it.

See these tears my friends.  Because they are still coming (and likely will for a long time). Tears are not a sign of weakness - but rather bravery.  Tears mean you felt something real and true - and that you let it show.

These tears right now are for grief and fear.  But they won't always be.  Some day (hopefully sooner rather than later) these tear will transform into action.  They will transform into the burning fight that I know is deep down inside of me and always has been (and always will be until we reach utopia). 

So today, you can see me cry.  

Because tomorrow...

 

Tomorrow is for relentless LOVE.

Be Brave!  I love you!