Sunday, June 12, 2016
For My Heart Broken Friends
I've been trying to wrap my mind and heart around the Orlando shooting in an LGBT club.
But to be honest I just can't.
It's like in order to not completely fall apart my brain and soul and feelings won't let me fully process this event.
Maybe that's a good survival mechanism or maybe it's selfish or maybe it just it was it is.
Because in the back recesses of my mind all I can think is...that could have been me and my wife.
As a young person, freshly out of the closet, gay clubs are sometimes the only refuge. They are typically the only places where you are one of the many - and sometimes that is a feeling and a safety net one desperately needs as they struggle and grow and change and learn to be in their new skin.
"Gay" has never been my first identifier. I'd like to think my character and being and soul are made of many moving parts and who I sleep with is really not that big of a deal. But the truth is - being gay is probably the singular most shaping thing I've experienced. It tested my relationship with myself and others, it taught me compassion and patience and grace, and it has been a marathon of turning the other cheek.
It has also brought me my greatest most heart exploding joys - my wife and perfect daughter. And embracing being gay has brought me to my truest most authentic self.
This me - the me that once again loves fiercely and vulnerably - this is the me I was always meant to be. And honestly I don't know if I would have gotten here without being a proud, strong, loving, gay woman.
So yes, I am scared. And yes, I am sickeningly heartbroken.
But YES, I will still be out holding my wife's hand and kissing my sweet daughter's cheeks for all the world to see. Because love is always always always stronger than hate.
Be Brave my beautiful friends! Be Brave!
Ps: To my Muslim brothers and sisters. I'm so broken that this tragedy will be used as yet another moment of hate and fear mongering towards you and your religion. Know that I am one more person, lovingly standing in your corner.