|I stole this picture off the internet and |
filtered it to death - so it's not technically mine. There's that.
I'm a control freak.
You know it, I know it, we all know it.
So as you can imagine, "just letting it all go" is not my forte. In fact it is panic inducing generally. Which is hard when so much is so very out of your control. Like my take my hair as a very rudimentary example, you never know what that mop on my head is going to do. Despite my best attempts to craft it into something gorgeous and sleek its typically a frizzball. Or the days I want it to be curly its bone straight...you get the picture. It's pretty much an analogy for a lot of my life. I want to sleep, I have insomnia. I want to be at peace and I have 596k things going on. I feel like I have energy to finally do things and nothing.is.going.on. I want babies and I'm left wanting. I want to be miraculously thin and that's a dream I can keep dreaming. Etc etc etc.
There is a certain desperation that comes when you continue to realize that so many things wind around you and through your fingertips that are just completely out of your control. There is also an amazing and beautiful opportunity - to learn to let life happen. To learn to release your death grip on all the things around you and let them swirl. There is a chance to test yourself, your strength, the depth of your heart, the connections you've knitted with others. Because when the tears come, the hands also come. Out of the darkness comes the love of your friends and family. The reassurance that all is well. The simple reminder to turn your face upward and release. To untie the knots in your stomach and breathe. There is a reminder that you are not alone - Not ever as the Spirit whispers in your chest in the night as you stare at the ceiling. Again. And there is a recognition that you are small. And that is a good thing. You are a minuscule sparkle in the eye of this world. But that sparkle counts. It means something. And you can't determine what color your sparkle will be, or where it will be placed, you can simply enhance what you have. Give what you are.
So this is me, learning to be brave, over and over and over again. This is me recognizing that I am small and that is a good thing. This is me recognizing that this is a chance to test my strength, my faith, my hope. This is a chance to let the brave shine out of me and into this world. A beacon, a reminder, that I'm here. That I'm important. That my path is designed for me alone. This is me recognizing that its ok to surrender. In fact its brave to surrender. It's not giving in, it's not giving up. Rather its the opposite -its the bravest gesture of love, this letting myself become a wash with the water of my life. It is an acceptance that my life, in all its flaws, in all its twisty uncontrollable pathways, is perfect, just as it is. I surrender to that. To my life. To my flaws, to my twisty pathways.
Because at the end of the day, the whisper of my thumping heartbeat speaks the truth: All is well, brave one. All is well. All is well. All is well. All is well.
So good. Brave on, my friend!ReplyDelete
Love this post and after POAS and getting a BFN again, this is something I needed to read. Your bravery makes me want to be more brave. Thank you for that.ReplyDelete
Oh friend! I'm so sorry :( You are already brave! But that doesn't make it easier. I'm also riding the low of another BFN so I feel ya. Your life is twisting down your perfect path, its just hard to see it sometimes. Hang in there! I'm rooting for you, in every way!Delete
This is simply exquisite. Letting go and letting God as my grandmother always said. I never quite understood it until we started TTC. Surrender is such negative sounding word and yet used in this sense it provokes power and personal triumph. So much warmth and knowledge flows from this post. I am kinda in love with it a little bit. As silly as that sounds. Is it possible to fall in love with a blog post?ReplyDelete
Yes Let Go and Let God is definitely a phrase I've heard before. And one I clearly need to work on still :) And yes it's totally possible to fall in love with a blog post! I'm kind of in love with this one too - there is more inside us than we think! Thinking of you a lot these days, keep me posted!Delete