First, I would be remiss if I did not recognize my own mother. The light of my life and the one from whom all my "special" DNA comes from. My mommy/twin is far and away the most fantastic embodiment of motherhood! She is light, love, gritty perseverance and true kindness. I only hope that I can learn to live with her joy and "I do what I want" attitude! I love you mama and I am grateful beyond measure to be your daughter! Happy Mother's Day to my mama - heart of my heart, I can't wait to be JUST like you :)
But this one, this one today, is for those of us who don't have our babies here with us yet. Or maybe those of you whose babies left you far too soon. This pulse of loving energy out into the world is for those fierce, loving women who know the ache of not holding their children in their arms. I haven't held a little one of my own in my arms and then let them go, so I can't even begin to imagine the loss and heartache and yearning for the motherhood you once knew. But I've felt a shade of it in the no baby reality I'm living in.
And the reality is it hurts. It hurts in an indescribable black hole sucking away your joy kind of way. And it hurts in a special and stingy-er way on a day dedicated to loving and recognizing mothers and motherhood everywhere.
But we, "the some day moms," we are warrior women. Truly I believe that. When you have known the loneliness and sorrow of the big ugly "INFERTILITY" monster, you learn how to carry on like never before. You learn how to build shields and also to be heroically vulnerable. You build up an amazing network of hope because really what is your other option, despair? Trying to have children (and failing) has cultivated in me a new kind of empathy, a new kind of gentleness, a new kind of love for my fellow warriors. I'm also the valedictorian of battening down the hatches, putting your head down, and holding on to your hope like no other. I mean really, if there is any game I am winning it is the hold on to your hope no matter what game. I have also learned my reserve of strong runs deep. Because hurting and crumbling and crying and worrying and hoping and planning - those are the earmarks of strength and my heart is marked with every single one.
But I also know that some day, when I look back, when I'm holding my babies in my arms, when I'm awake for hours in the night and covered in the spit up and exhausted from the grind - I will know how to love it all better, and I will know exactly how to batten down the hatches, and my patchy heart will be super strong from all those micro-tears. This is my training ground. Every moment and every trial is developing a new muscle...muscles of compassion, muscles of confidence, muscles of faith and hope and such strong muscles of love.
So happy mothers day to my fellow "some day" moms, the warriors of my heart, I love you all!
My mama role model in all her glory :)
I'm not sure how you always make me simultaneously cry and flourish with immense hope when reading your words. You write so well. With passion and conviction. I'm still standing by the strong feeling that there WILL be a baby calling you Mama someday. The universe is just working out the perfect plan for you guys. Oh, and your mom, I can so tell just from the pics that she is a character!ReplyDelete
Thanks for always stoking my ego ;) Yes just faith and time and the twisty road of life...its all workin out. And oh yes...my mother is a character indeed! - SarahDelete