Why I Let Them See Me Cry

Dear Friends,

Yesterday was a very hard day for me.  I know it was also a very hard day for many of my brothers and sisters across this nation.  

I spent Nov 8th in a haze of hopefulness - assured that love and sanity would win.  I took my daughter to the polls with me - so that she could be part of voting for our 1st woman president.

And then as the night wore on and I sat with my wife in our living room watching the results unfold the tears came with a vengeance. I sobbed into my wife's chest about my fears for our family and our friends and our daughters. I tried to sleep that night, but honestly there wasn't much of that.  

And then next morning, when my alarm went off in the dark, I pried myself out of bed and carried on.  I hugged my sweet darling daughter who delighted in her pancake.  I kissed my wife.  And I let the tears come.  

I pulled it together enough to get my daughter to daycare and get myself to work (although no lie my coworker and I cried on the way to work) But once I got there I just could not hold it together.  The tears and the fears and the feelings they just had to come out.  I knew I needed to suck the tears back in since I had coworkers and faculty and students coming by all day...

But I just couldn't.

And then I decided I shouldn't.

Because in those moments.  I was (and am) legitimately terrified about the outcome of the election.  I needed the people around me to see that this decision, this moment, these feelings were real.  

I am so scared of the country and world we have created.  I am so scared for my daughter and what it means for her to grow up as a girl in this world. And as the daughter of two moms. I am scared for my Muslim friends who have already been living in a place of fear and hatred - that just got exponentially worse.  I am scared for my friends of color who's lives and hearts are in danger every single day - who are being told time and time again that they don't matter. I am scared for my differently-able friends who have to hear a bunch of garbage about PC-ness, who's needs and experiences are being invisibilized. I am scared for my undocumented friends who now constantly fear their families being ripped to shreds.  I am genuinely scared.

And that fear and loss of hope broke something inside me.  This is what many of my friends feel on a regular basis - this disenfranchisement and fear and brokenness. I have not done enough - and for that I am eternally sorry.  Know that I am sitting here with you in this discomfort - I'm leaning into it and learning from it. I'm letting my heart break in hopes that it will grow stronger as each scar repairs it.

See these tears my friends.  Because they are still coming (and likely will for a long time). Tears are not a sign of weakness - but rather bravery.  Tears mean you felt something real and true - and that you let it show.

These tears right now are for grief and fear.  But they won't always be.  Some day (hopefully sooner rather than later) these tear will transform into action.  They will transform into the burning fight that I know is deep down inside of me and always has been (and always will be until we reach utopia). 

So today, you can see me cry.  

Because tomorrow...

 

Tomorrow is for relentless LOVE.

Be Brave!  I love you!

 

 

SBL - Goodbye July!

Hey Yall,

 

Remember when next week was August.  Remember how in the WORLD did that happen already?!  This summer is just FLYING by!  Which is so sad.  Except when it's been 108 degrees for multiple days in a row the trappings of Fall don't sound all that terrible...coats, pumpkin, baking without sweating to death...even rain sounds good.

 

But alas, I digress.  July has slipped past and here's a quick account of what we've done:

 

Swimming Lessons!

Done and done.  And let's not lie - they were...TERRIBLE!  Baby girl hated essentially every second.  They were so bad I seriously (seriously) considered quitting after the first week.  But I'm proud to say that we persevered through the full 2 weeks (and the water didn't feel half bad to mama!)  The last couple of days were definitely the best in that she didn't cry the WHOLE time...just part of the time.  I'm still glad we did it though.  I really think that it is important for kids to learn to swim and I have high hopes that she will learn to like the water in the future!  Hopefully!

 

 She looks so happy...until we actually get in the water!

 

Another Brunch!

Oh yes we did.  I have no pictures but we had some good friends over for another delicious brunch and it was just further proof that we basically need to do it all the time because it's the best eating we ever do.  Home made quiche (me) our friends made baked french toast - bomb - and we had bacon.  I mean really, what else could you possibly ask for.

Prep for Baby #2

This is sort of stretch but I think it counts.  We also babysat our good friends' 3 month old for a day. Good practice for having 2 babies at the same time...I think yes.  Also a good reminder about what the infant stage is like - I had really forgot how blobby they are!  This sweet babe was such a fun, beautiful chunk.  And the best part was that Baby Girl was IN LOVE with her.  She wanted to get all up in the baby's face. She kept saying "hi" and trying to hand the baby toys.  She was very perplexed by why she wouldn't play back...But all in all - Good Things!

 

 Baby cuddles are the BEST!

Giving the baby knuckles!

 

And...getting all up in baby's face!

And if this doesn't make your ovaries scream I don't know what does...

 

 

Overall we're making some good progress!  Can't wait for camping next weekend!!!

 

1) Go Camping (Next weekend! - w00t!)

2) Baby Girl Swimming Lessons

3) Summer Vacation Trip!

• Beach Day
• Zoo or Sea World
• So many so-cal burritos
• Tide Pooling
• Pageant of the Masters

4) Day in San Francisco

5) Day in Sutterville (or other small town in the area)

6) Fix up master bathroom (work on this is potentially commencing this weekend!)

7) Get counter-tops or floors done (or at least prepare to do them) (Been looking into it! Think floors are 1st)

8) Clean up backyard (In Progress thanks to my amazing wifey pants)

9) Mom's movie night

10) Brunch with friends (monthly?)

11) Keep my tomato plant alive (Yeah it's dead as a door nail...)

12) Organize Garage (In Progress!)

13) Hiking

14) Professional baseball game

15) Swimming/ Play at the new Splash Park (Walked by the splash park and baby girl cried; swimming at our friends pool tomorrow! Yay!)

16) Movie in the Park - maybe this isn't going to happen since our kiddo is going to bed at 6pm these days! (yay!) (I think this one is dead dream - staying up late for swim lessons has been hard enough)

17) Do a 5k? (depends on our schedule...and my laziness! - It is too D@MN hot!)

18) Overnight at the Beach - sort of done? (we did do this in so cal so I'll call it marked off and hope we do another one!)

19) Prep for Baby #2 - Setting up doc appts and trying to cut down on the amt of crap I eat

20) Family Pictures

SBL 2016 - Updates!

Dear Beautiful Friends,

This world has been a dark and terrifying place in the past few months.  I am still grappling with all of it.  I'm having a very hard time wrapping my head around these deaths. Around the deaths of my LGBT brothers and sisters. Around the deaths of my black brothers and sisters - and around the fear and injustice and hate they face on a regular basis. And just today another moment of heinousness in Nice, France.  It all seems like so much.  Too much.  The despair and sadness makes me feel like I can't breathe. I hope that one of these days I will have some eloquent words and my hope back.  But right now I can't figure out either of those.  So instead I'm going to babble on about my summer bucket list - one small thing I have control over.  But please know, that I too am hurting and hoping and trying. #blacklivesmatter

Love,
Sarah

********************************************************************

Well Summer is rapidly going by so I guess I better see how we're doing on said bucket list so here goes. A few weeks ago grandma and grandpa came to visit and we went to feed some farm animals and hung out and played.  

We were a little scared at first

Saying Hi to the Bunnies

Brave Girl feeds the Goats!

Silly Mama, Silly Baby Girl

Goats were the favorite!

Playing blocks with Grandpa!

Then we headed down south to attend a beautiful friends wedding. 

We Clean-Up Ok!

 Somebody got her GROOVE thang on!

 The venue was Ah-MAZING

And then we stayed for a whole week to enjoy the sun and the sand and the burritos and to hang out with grandma and grandpa again and enjoy a night away for wifey and I!

 Beach babes!

 This horse was the DEVIL until the day before we left.  

She literally wouldn't go near it...And now Ride em' Cowgirl!

Did you know ice cream flights are a thing?!  AN AMAZING THING!

It was an amazing much much needed week off!  

 

XOXOX

Sarah

The 2016 Summer Bucket List

1) Go Camping (first weekend in August - w00t!)

2) Baby Girl Swimming Lessons (Start Next week!)

3) Summer Vacation Trip! - CHECK

• Beach Day  - Did it and Baby Girl HATEDDDD IT ;)  But it got better with a little bit of time and exposure
• Zoo or Sea World - didn't happen, but we decided it would be better when Baby Girl is older
• So many so-cal burritos - OHHH YEAHHH
• Tide Pooling - went to the beach but not specifically tide pooling
• Pageant of the Masters - SO AWESOME!  Would recommend to ANYONE!

4) Day in San Francisco

5) Day in Sutterville (or other small town in the area)

6) Fix up master bathroom

7) Get counter-tops or floors done (or at least prepare to do them)

8) Clean up backyard (In Progress thanks to my amazing wifey pants)

9) Mom's movie night

10) Brunch with friends (monthly?) (Want more!)

11) Keep my tomato plant alive (Yeah it's dead as a door nail...)

12) Organize Garage (In Progress!)

13) Hiking

14) Professional baseball game

15) Swimming/ Play at the new Splash Park (Want to go again and we still haven't made it to the splash park. But swimming lessons start next week - so THAT should be speical)

16) Movie in the Park - maybe this isn't going to happen since our kiddo is going to bed at 6pm these days! (yay!)

17) Do a 5k? (depends on our schedule...and my laziness!)

18) Overnight at the Beach - sort of done?

19) Prep for Baby #2 - Setting up doc appts and trying to cut down on the amt of crap I eat

20) Family Pictures

For My Heart Broken Friends

I've been trying to wrap my mind and heart around the Orlando shooting in an LGBT club.

But to be honest I just can't.

It's like in order to not completely fall apart my brain and soul and feelings won't let me fully process this event.

Maybe that's a good survival mechanism or maybe it's selfish or maybe it just it was it is.

Because in the back recesses of my mind all I can think is...that could have been me and my wife.

As a young person, freshly out of the closet, gay clubs are sometimes the only refuge. They are typically the only places where you are one of the many - and sometimes that is a feeling and a safety net one desperately needs as they struggle and grow and change and learn to be in their new skin.

"Gay" has never been my first identifier. I'd like to think my character and being and soul are made of many moving parts and who I sleep with is really not that big of a deal. But the truth is - being gay is probably the singular most shaping thing I've experienced. It tested my relationship with myself and others, it taught me compassion and patience and grace, and it has been a marathon of turning the other cheek.

It has also brought me my greatest most heart exploding joys - my wife and perfect daughter. And embracing being gay has brought me to my truest most authentic self.

This me - the me that once again loves fiercely and vulnerably - this is the me I was always meant to be. And honestly I don't know if I would have gotten here without being a proud, strong, loving, gay woman.

So yes, I am scared. And yes, I am sickeningly heartbroken.

But YES, I will still be out holding my wife's hand and kissing my sweet daughter's cheeks for all the world to see. Because love is always always always stronger than hate.

Be Brave my beautiful friends! Be Brave!

Love,
Sarah

Ps: To my Muslim brothers and sisters. I'm so broken that this tragedy will be used as yet another moment of hate and fear mongering towards you and your religion. Know that I am one more person, lovingly standing in your corner.

Summer Bucket List 2016!!!

So my friends - it is that wonderful time of year again - SUMMER!  And thanks to my friend Amanda over at Little Monsters and Mommies I've jumped on the wagon and made us a bucket list over here in bloggity bloo land (Granted this list has not been verified by my wife so it is subject to change...so basically it's MY bucket list...but who doesn't want to do what I want to do...right????)

So here it is in all it's glory:

The 2016 Summer Bucket List

1) Go Camping (supposed to happen a few weekends ago...postponed due to all of the family getting hand foot and mouth...yeah...another story for another blog)

2) Baby Girl Swimming Lessons (Signed up for late July)

3) Summer Vacation Trip! (HAPPENING IN JULY!)

• Beach Day
• Zoo or Sea World
• So many so-cal burritos
• Tide Pooling
• Pageant of the Masters

4) Day in San Francisco

5) Day in Sutterville (or other small town in the area)

6) Fix up master bathroom

7) Get counter-tops or floors done (or at least prepare to do them)

8) Clean up backyard

9) Mom's movie night

10) Brunch with friends (monthly?) (We had one last weekend, but I'll leave it up here anyway in hopes that we will have more!)

11) Keep my tomato plant alive (It's been a week - it's still alive - barely)

12) Organize Garage (In Progress!)

13) Hiking

14) Professional baseball game

15) Swimming/ Play at the new Splash Park (Went swimming last weekend, but again I'll leave it up in hopes that we will go again - and to the new splash park!)

16) Movie in the Park

17) Do a 5k? (depends on our schedule...and my laziness!)

18) Overnight at the Beach

19) Prep for Baby #2

20) Family Pictures

So here goes!  Bring on another summer of funnnnnnn!

Besos,
Sarah

The Gift of Time

 

This week SP and I gave ourselves a beautiful gift...the gift of more time!

And how you ask did we do that?  Well my friends, we did something I thought I would NEVER do, we hired a housekeeper. And can we talk about how insanely glorious it is to leave your house all dusty and hairy and sticky and come home to cleanliness?!  It is maybe the best money we've ever spent (except of course the money we spent on the new dishwasher...and making baby girl ;)

Seriously walking in from work to a beautifully clean house was probably the best gift we've ever been given.  I think, overall, for a couple that works 40+ hours a week and has a toddler and a smelly dog we generally do a pretty good job keeping the house tidy.  But the deep cleaning and de-griming often gets neglected in favor of instead spending time with our sweet girl...or sleeping, because let's be real, that's where any free time goes.

It's hard for me to spend money to have someone do something that I could be doing myself.  But the truth is, house maintenance, and kid care are full time jobs on top of the fact that we both already work full time jobs.  And right now we're able to spare a little bit of money each month to give ourselves just a tiny bit more breathing room. 

Anyway, so anyone out there thinking about getting a housekeeper - this is one tired mama's RINGING endorsement!

This weekend we're going camping, which means I need to get the Summer 2016 bucket list up ASAP!  It's our first camping trip with Baby Girl!  I'm excited, except it's supposed to rain...and maybe baby girl has hand foot mouth disease...mmmm more stories for another time.

Have a lovely weekend my friends!

Besos,

Sarah

 

P.s. and a picture of my sweet girly because why not :)

 

 

Keep Calm and Catch Up

Oh my gosh yall, I don't even know how to catch ya up!

First - yes we are all still alive
Second - yes things are really great and really busy
Third - yes baby girl is WALKING!  Eep

For the most part things have been same old same old, in that SP and I are working working working.  And Momming momming momming.  And honestly some days its insanely hard.  But all days it is amazing. I still adore being a mommy so so much.  So much in fact that the beginning months of insane exhaustion memories have started to fade and SP and I have tentatively broached the topic of throwing another kiddo into the crazy mix (some days that prospect sounds insane though! Like when baby girl is literally throwing herself on the ground and throwing a full on tantrum at only 14mos old...mmmm....)

So here's the quick catch up:

February
-baby girls first birthday
-Work is getting pretttyyy busy
-February disappears

March
-I was insanely busy at work.  Like work all day and then work at home at night too.
-We spend an overnight in the mountains!  Beautiful and baby girl's first time in snow...maybe not her favorite.  Much much needed getaway.

 Snow Bunny Baby!

Maybe I don't love this moms...

 -Zoo day with friends!  Cute kids, cute animals, cute cute cute.

-Easter!  And Baby Girl kind of gets the whole opening gifts things, so that's fun!  (no candy!  scrooge-mommies ;)

 
-March disappears

April
-Work is still realllllyyyy busy
-Baby girl starts WALKING!!!!
-We throw a baby shower for some friends!  Baby is born about a week and half later (sneaked that right in)  Baby girl has a brand new friend and my ovaries start talking to me REAL hard ;)

 It was an outdoorsy/elegant theme

And obvi a photo booth!

And maybe party planning is my fall back job? 

-April disappears

Are you seeing a theme here friends?  The time it is a passin!  Some days feel insanely long but overall time just seems to be whizzing by (and I'm just getting older and older...boo hooo) But I'm doing everything I can to savor every hard and fabulous moment!

I've missed ya'll!  

Be Brave!
Sarah