Blogmas 2017 - Vol.7

On Mommy (Parent) Guilt

Mom guilt is so real life ya'll.  And I feel like when we added little boy to the party it only amplified.  I mean everything amplified because I had a serious case of Postpartum Anxiety (another story for another time).  But now that the proverbial dust has settled the mommy guilt has also settled in hard core.

I love spending time with my kids.  But sometimes they make me crazy. And sometimes I have less than stellar parenting moments because of it.  And then when I get a short break from them I feel bad for leaving them with others.  Or I feel bad for spending any time on myself.  Because there is ALWAYS something else that could be getting done. Laundry, meal prep, cleaning.  ANd for somebody who is pretty self proclaimed type A - the chaos is pretty rough on top of all the guilty feelings.

And then there is the whole working parent thing.  And/or 2 working parent things. And what that means societally, personally etc.  I personally really enjoy my job and I really enjoy spending time with adults. But I also really miss my kids.  But when I'm home with them alone several days in a row I can't WAIT to get back to work where I get to pee by myself and use my brain in a very different way.  And then I feel bad about that. 

I don't know where I'm going with all of this except to say that you mommies and daddies and babas etc out there who are feeling this crushing sense of "I can never give enough in any area of my life" I see you, I feel you, I'm living it. And/or if any of you out there have any strategies for minimizing the guilt - I'd love to hear them.

Because look at these beautiful faces...

...they deserve my best me, and I'm pretty sure the me that feels guilty all the time isn't my best.

Be Brave!

Blogmas 2017 - Vol 6

When you are fertility challenged (we don't like the term infertile) sometimes when you get pregnant it's hard to enjoy it at the beginning.  Sometimes you spend a lot of time being afraid that the other shoe will drop and the dream will go out the window. So there are a lot of things I didn't put out into the world when I was pregnant - but I really want to remember them.  So sorry for all the travels back in time that are coming...

11/21/16

How far along? 11 weeks

How big is baby? Lime

Total weight gain/loss: Up from IVF meds, down since pregnancy; I'm not weighing myself at all honestly.

Maternity clothes? Starting the belly bands/ my pants are a little too small but the maternity pants are a little too bit - its a weird place.

Sleep: I've always been a crappy sleeper. Still true. Peeing at least once in the middle of the night.  And my back side is still pretty sore from IVF injections (that end next week!!!)

Best moment this week: Seeing baby pineapple looking big and like a real gummy bear baby!

Movement: Don't think so - Gas ;)

Food cravings: Ugh nothing, feeling crappy again.  The morning sickness got better around 9wks and now I just feel off all the time again. I eat a lot of toast and pretzels and grilled cheese sandwhiches.

Food Aversions: Eggs and most meat. And a lot of everything else depending on the moment.

Gender: Pretty sure we aren't finding out the SEX until the little thing comes out. I'm guessing we won't find out the gender until they are in their teens ;)

Pregnancy Symptoms:  Morning/ all day sickness. Bloaty/gassy (i'm so cute right now) Headaches on and off. Super tired!

What I miss: Definitely the occasional cocktail. And sushi.  And weirdly I've been wanting salami like crazy lately!

What I am looking forward to: Making it to the 2nd trimester. And finish progesterone in oil shots - because my backside is a war zone!

Upcoming appointments/events: Ultrasound screening appt next week and then midwife appt shortly after.

Milestones: Approaching the end of the first trimester!  Can't believe it!

I think this was actually 6 or 8 wks

There's a baby in there!

Blogmas 2017 - Vol. 5

Oooohhh ooohh you're my best friend, you make me live!

Today is blog of gratitude.

For the amazing army of women who surround me.I personally think they are the most amazing women who have ever lived.  Some of them I've known for years and some for only months.  But they each play a perfect and specific role in my life. And I really do have an army of them -  I could write for days and days about each and every one of them.

But today, this blog is a love letter to my twin sister from another mister.

E and I met in college through another dear friend.  It's amazing that our paths had never crossed before but the minute we met we clicked.  It was like finding the other part of my soul.  We suffered the same bizarre medical oddities.  We loved the same things, had the same terrible sense of humor, and many of the same neurosis and anxieties. (for better or for worse)

 

We have seen each other through graduations, heartbreak, family problems, birthdays, babies, new loves, surgeries, weight gains and losses, travels, job changes and and and... 

She has been the witness for essentially the entirety of my adult life - holding my heart tenderly in her hers.  She is the friend who always calls or texts to make sure I'm ok. She is the friend who would drop anything and literally show up on my doorstep.  

E has the best laugh and the worst singing voice - but sing she does!  And it is the most incredible show :)  E has the sweetest most loving heart.  She is the hardest worker.  If anything she could learn to care a little bit less.  She is a freakish overachiever.  She can rock a side pony tail with the best of them.

Most importantly she can love you like you are the most important and wonderful person that ever walked the earth.  She has listened to me cry in person and over the phone more times than I can count.  She has laughed with me until we can't stop crying (or spitting beverages everywhere)  

When SP and I got together I made it clear right from the beginning that she would have to deal with the other women in my life - and that come hell or high water these women would be with me for the rest of my life.  And while SP is the love of my life - E is my platonic soul mate.  

E you are a gift to this world - beautiful in and out.  This life has thrown you some VERY hard curveballs and you have weathered them with strength and grace. You are selfless and kind.  Joyful and quirky.  Most importantly you always always show up - in every way possible.  Thank you for being my forever friend, for holding me up when I'm falling down, and for jumping for joy with me in my most happy moments.

I can't wait to grow old with you on the island of warrior women!

I love you, my friend!

XOXO,

Friendsie face

Blogmas 2017 - Vol. 4

When I was on my (way too long) blogging hiatus, I started (and even finished) several posts.  And they are sitting there in my drafts just wasting away.  So here's a snapshot from almost a year ago!

2/22/17

Rantings of a tired (mommy) blogger

Being pregnant and parenting a toddler is a doozy my friends.  One that has kept me away from this space for a long long time.  I truly miss it.  I really miss getting my thoughts out of my head and having an adult (ish) processing space.  I mean in general I miss being an adult most of the time.

My days are consumed by toddler toast and necklaces and baby dolls and snot and diaper changes.  And then they are consumed by graduate students (adult toddlers?).  And after that if I have anything left it goes to the wife and the dog.  And the friends.

And staying awake past 7:30pm these days is really challenging.  But I feel like I'm really missing out on recording this pregnancy and what is going on with our family (since God knows it ain't getting recorded anywhere else...the 2 pages of baby girls baby book that are filled out can attest to that!)

Weirdly not having time to find pictures really holds me back - like it's not a real post if I don't put pictures?  So I think I'm just going to start posting my word babble and then if I can finally get some pictures in here again that will just be an extra bonus.  

So here's what's going on these days:

-Our daughter turned 2 years old.

-She is an amazon.  She is nearly in 4T clothes.  She's in the 99th percentile for height and the 90-something for weight (very proportional)  She is just enormous!

-98% of the time she is an absolutely joy.  Her littler personality is just exploding.  She is super duper talkative, she has a lot of ideas and thoughts, and she loves to play with baby dolls and animals and absolutely ADORES going to the park.  (She asks EVERY SINGLE DAY to go!)

- I am nearly 25 wks pregnant.  How that happened I have no idea.  It honestly took me until almost 20wks to feel more secure and not fearful.  Infertility PTSD is a thing.

- This kid, who's sex will again be a surprise, is kicking and rolling like crazy.  It is the coolest and most surreal feeling ever.

-I'm exhausted all the time - have I mentioned that recently?

-I'm also blowing up like a balloon.  I was so ick in the beginning that apparently once I started feeling better I went insane.  So I'm trying to reign it in and keep exercising. While simultaneously not going to the crazy insane worrying about everything I put in my mouth place.  It's a balance.

-The election and political climate threw me into a real emotional tailspin.  I still feel very uncentered and scared most of the time. Especially thinking about the world we've created for my daughter and this babe inside of me.  What will things look like in June? I'm so scared that SP won't have legal access to this kid.  And I'm super fearful that we will lose the rights we worked so hard to gain...

-That being said - I have to shut it all off sometimes because honestly it's too much. Some days all I can focus on is trying to help mold a kind child - in hopes that the work we do at home will make a difference in this world.  That and just trying to muster every bit of kindness and love I can give to those around me.

-The dog is still nuts.  She's 6 years old and still insanely energetic.  She also has decided she loves the smell and taste of crayons.  Needless to say her poop is now orange...

-Our house is a hot mess most of the time (at least in terms of my anal standards).  We are paying the house keeper to come 2x a month these days and it still probably the best money I've ever spent.  I love her in an awkward slightly too much way.

-We're getting ready for a (much needed) get away down south soon.  We are going to leave baby girl with the grandparents and escape just the 2 of us for a few days.  I seriously can't wait.  I just want to stare at the ocean and not be obligated to be anywhere at any specific time.  A massage wouldn't be out of the question either ;)

I think that's it for the moment.  More to come.  Hopefully one of these days it won't be in bullet form - but not promises.

Besos!

25 Weeks Pregnant!

Blogmas 2017 - Vol. 3

Oh Christmas Tree....

We went on the Wednesday after thanksgiving - I wanted to go the second thanksgiving was over but you know life... so instead we went on a random night when we both got home a tad earlier than normal. We decided to take our chances with hungry tired kids and rushed over to our local parking lot tree farm :)

And honestly it was the prefect 30 mins of smelling trees and forcing my wife to pull them out one by one while I decided they were too skinny or too short or not fluffy enough.  And then the lovely man from the Depot pulled one out and we decided we were too tired to keep looking.  And it looked good...enough.  And it smelled Awesome!!!

And then I left my wife in the parking lot with a big ol' christmas tree and piled the cold hungry tired kiddos into the car.  And then...I got In n Out and met her at home.

We dragged the tree inside and left it there for a couple days ;)  And let it smell up the place.  

Yesterday we pulled down the decorations (and by we I mean SP) And we wrapped some big ol' bulbs around the tree and let LG pile all the ornaments in one place.  

Our tree (Eloise this year) looks. a. hot. mess.

And it is perfect.

It is full of travel memories (we buy one everywhere we go). And it is full of homemade memories.  And sparkles.

And it is perfect.

And it smells perfect.

Happy Christmas!

 Also this is my Dream Baby #2 chewing on the magic christmas ornament of yore!

Blogmas 2017 - Vol. 2

Dec 1st Boxes

I started a tradition (I think it was last year) that the kid(s) would open a present on December 1st.  I love the idea of getting a new set of Christmas jammies and a new Christmas book each year however most people do it on Christmas Eve.  But then you get no chance to enjoy the stuff!  So Dec 1st boxes were born.

This year the boxes included jammies, a few little toys, a new book and Advent Calendars! That I ordered from the mother country (the UK) because the chocolate ones in the US are garbage and the picture ones from the UK are way cuter.  And apparently I had the memory of crappy chocolate in my mind early enough this year to remember to order them ahead of time.

The second we got home little girl (LG from now on) asked legitimately every 5 seconds.  "Can I open my present now? How about now? How about now?" I told her we had to wait until Mommy got home.  So then every time there was a sound (real or imagined) outside it was "Mommy's home! Can I open my present?!"

Suffice to say, she was excited...

So was Baby Boy (BB)...at least about eating the tissue paper.

Merry December!

Blogmas 2017 - Vol. 1

Remember when I said I would never do this again?!

Well...I'm a lying liar! (and yes, my pants are in fact on fire)

I'm doing blogmas this year.  Because I have a ridiculous amount to catch up on.  And because I have to force myself to jumpstart my blog.  Because I miss it.  I have a lot of random and bonkers thoughts that need to go somewhere.  And I also miss recording my kids (yes KIDS plural) lives somewhere.  Since I'm the worst babybook keeper ever (ie I don't have any) this has to be it.  

So here we go!

Pray for me!

25 days of meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee ;)  

Xoxo

Sarah

Baby pics - because of course!