Friday, March 8, 2013

A Few Tips From A Worn Out Program Administrator

Dear people of the world who may or may not be applying to various programs or universities etc.  As someone deep in the trenches of admissions let me tell you a few things that will make everybody's lives better...

1) Never staple your checks.  Why would you do that?  Why would you put a staple in something that is essentially legal tender?  Would you staple a $50.00 bill?  No.  Don't staple a check.  Do you know how many machines that thing has to go through?!  Those little staples F those machines up.  Don't do it.

2) Don't staple anything.  See #1.  Most likely in this digital age if you are sending something in paper it has to be fed through a machine.  And your tiny staple is going to F my machine up real bad.  And then I don't like you.  This is why they make paperclips.  Great invention.  Try it.

3) Your issue or concern is not the only one I'm dealing with in the current moment.  In fact it is likely one of 5million issues I'm dealing with.  Please don't assume that your problem is the most important.  I'm not going to drop everything and make sure your issue is resolved.  I am going to do a good job and make sure that your issue is taken care of in a timely manner.  Don't hound me.  If you do you're going on the bottom of the pile.  

4) Don't assume you know how the process works.  You don't.  Even if you have someone on the inside who is telling you all the secrets.  At the end of the day they really don't know all the secrets.  Only I know all the secrets.  And I'm not telling.  Mostly because there aren't any secrets.

5) Just do what the instructions say.  Nothing less nothing more.  

6) In order to do #5 you must in fact read the directions.  After you read them.  You should probably read them again.  Maybe a 3rd time if you're a person who needs repetition to process.

7) If it's on the website I'm not going to answer your call.  If you can't use the resources that you have you can't make it in my program.  End of story.  Getting through the application process is part of the weeding process.  I'm sorry but it's true.  If you aren't smart enough or resourceful enough to submit a complete application (which means doing #5 and #6) you don't deserve a spot in my program.

8) Be nice.  Your chances of getting actual help go up exponentially if you are kind to me.  If you call me and demand things you will get the absolute bare minimum.  If you call and you are nice to me I might help you with #6.

9) If you're applying to a competitive program or school or whatever you're probably the absolute cream of the crop where you are now.  Guess what?  So is everybody else who is applying.  Recognize that you may not get in.  That doesn't mean you weren't qualified.  It doesn't mean that you weren't a good candidate.  It doesn't mean you won't get accepted in the future.  It means that most schools/programs have more qualified applicants than they have spots.  Them's the breaks.

10) Never. Ever. Blame. Me. For anything.  For not gettting back to you at the last minute.  For not walking you through every step of the application.  For not coming to your house to fill out your application for you.  For you not gettin in.  Let me tell you what, you start blaming me, your phone calls are mysteriously going to stop being answered and your application is going to be so far down on the pile it may never be found again.  Just sayin ;)

Apply on my friends.  Apply on...

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