Just Call Me Mrs. Slacker!

Dudes & Dudettes

I recognize that there has been epic suck-age on the blogging front. This life thing is keeping me very very busy.

So here's some of the happenings over the last month:

• I celebrated my 29th birthday.  Yes my real 29th birthday.  Not my 29th birthday again or something like that. 29 feels pretty good so far - but I'll keep you posted. I have been seeing some white/gray hairs popping up which I am not too happy about but dems da breaks I guess. Plus new baby on the way is bound to = much more gray!

• We went to birthing class.  That was an experience. Let me tell you what. People who are 37 weeks pregnant are not meant to be in class all day long - even if you are moving around a lot and taking lots of breaks. It was particularly funny because many of the exercises I knew immediately would be on the "no way jose" list for SP. Foot rubs - major no. Stroking your partner's neck - definitely no no. But the teacher was great and encouraging and empowering. So we'll see if any of it sticks when laboring is actually happening...

• We refinanced the house. Oh yes, that's right we haven't even been in the house for a year and we refinanced.  But it was for all good reasons (no cost, good interest rate etc etc).  However it did require me to dig out a LOT of paperwork again. And sign a lot of things. But its done - so yay?

• We went to this awesome dinner movie theater (SMG ) with some good friends.  Enjoyed some beers (for the non pregnant ones), some ice cream, some snacks! Oh yeah...and saw a movie ;) Loved it!

• SP hit and passed the 39 week mark.  At the last doc appointment nothing was moving and SP was more than a little disappointed - but now is the hurry up and wait time. She is, luckily, off work now so there's a lot more waddling around the block and napping happening before this kiddo makes his/her debut. Due date is 2/4 so hopefully my next post will be full of newborn-ness!

And that's about all I have time for amongst my panicked nesting! Send spontaneous healthy labor thoughts our way!

XOXO

Sarah

The Bravery of Surrender

I stole this picture off the internet and
filtered it to death - so it's not technically mine.  There's that.

I'm a control freak.

You know it, I know it, we all know it.

So as you can imagine, "just letting it all go" is not my forte.  In fact it is panic inducing generally. Which is hard when so much is so very out of your control.  Like my take my hair as a very rudimentary example, you never know what that mop on my head is going to do.  Despite my best attempts to craft it into something gorgeous and sleek its typically a frizzball.  Or the days I want it to be curly its bone straight...you get the picture.  It's pretty much an analogy for a lot of my life.  I want to sleep, I have insomnia.  I want to be at peace and I have 596k things going on.  I feel like I have energy to finally do things and nothing.is.going.on.  I want babies and I'm left wanting.  I want to be miraculously thin and that's a dream I can keep dreaming. Etc etc etc.    

There is a certain desperation that comes when you continue to realize that so many things wind around you and through your fingertips that are just completely out of your control.  There is also an amazing and beautiful opportunity - to learn to let life happen.  To learn to release your death grip on all the things around you and let them swirl.  There is a chance to test yourself, your strength, the depth of your heart, the connections you've knitted with others.  Because when the tears come, the hands also come.  Out of the darkness comes the love of your friends and family.  The reassurance that all is well.  The simple reminder to turn your face upward and release.  To untie the knots in your stomach and breathe.  There is a reminder that you are not alone - Not ever as the Spirit whispers in your chest in the night as you stare at the ceiling. Again.  And there is a recognition that you are small. And that is a good thing. You are a minuscule sparkle in the eye of this world.  But that sparkle counts.  It means something.  And you can't determine what color your sparkle will be, or where it will be placed, you can simply enhance what you have.  Give what you are.

So this is me, learning to be brave, over and over and over again.  This is me recognizing that I am small and that is a good thing.  This is me recognizing that this is a chance to test my strength, my faith, my hope.  This is a chance to let the brave shine out of me and into this world.  A beacon, a reminder, that I'm here.  That I'm important.  That my path is designed for me alone.  This is me recognizing that its ok to surrender.  In fact its brave to surrender.  It's not giving in, it's not giving up.  Rather its the opposite -its the bravest gesture of love, this letting myself become a wash with the water of my life.  It is an acceptance that my life, in all its flaws, in all its twisty uncontrollable pathways, is perfect, just as it is.  I surrender to that. To my life. To my flaws, to my twisty pathways.  

Because at the end of the day, the whisper of my thumping heartbeat speaks the truth:  All is well, brave one.  All is well.  All is well.  All is well.  All is well.

2013…uh buh bye (And BE BRAVE in 2014!)

Obligatory couple-y picture!

Dear 2013 – thanks for everything but no offense, I think I’m ready for you to go.  Age 27 in the year 2013 it’s just not good.  And so while there has been a fair amount of blue-ness this year, there have also been many a wonderful highlight. 

And so…2013 in review:

January

It’s for Lovers people!  I still think this!  I turn 27 in San Francisco.  Fabulous low key birthday, even if 27 wasn’t my favorite.  I have some funky moments and we get rid of cable (Still don’t have it!)

February

We slowly but surely recover from the holidays.  I rejoice in a clean house and watch the superbowl.  We lose a very special little boy from this world.  I start focusing on the little lights in my life.  I Valentined…I know…me, my Grinch heart is growing.

March

Work gets really really hard – I vent a bit about it...  I reminisce about being in Germany!  I write about why I think people should go to “church”  And I write possibly my most important post about why having a legal marriage means something to me.  And the response blows me out of the water and restores my faith in humanity.

April

I start the self betterment project in this month (and FAILED miserably!)  We have a beautiful Easter celebration.  We go to New York and I fill my soul with music and park pretzels and Itailan food and family!  I go swimming and find a piece of myself.

May

We go to Morrow Bay and I remember how lucky I am to have amazing friends! I stop sleeping (I’m pretty sure this is becoming a bi-annual event)  SP GETS A NEW JOB!  I GET A NEW JOB!  We are officially crazy.

June

June kind of slips away from me this year.  And at the end of June REALLY momentous things happened in California.

July

And then it was July (I’m working 2 jobs at this point…)  I win the Liebster award and in the process meet some really amazing women on the interwebs!  We also get married again this month (and have a marriage license to prove it!)

August

Glory Hallelujah we have survived the summer (more or less)  I take a few days off to celebrate!  We go to San Diego so that I can regain some of my sanity and get some big hugs from my parents.

September

In September I reveal to you how much I want Babies and how hard it is. 

October

I tell you a little bit about how we celebrated our 1 YEAR Anniversary and then went to Utah for a weekend!  My Iphone tells you what’s really up.  We went to a Renaissance Faire and a new beautiful niece joined the family!

November

We took the annual trip to the Apple orchards with SP’s family and hung out with a little monkey and his mom’s for Halloween.  And another baby joined our adopted family!  (And I want to eat him right up)  We also celebrate SP’s birthday and go to the Day of the Dead!  And I eat some bluehoo cheese.

December

I tell you about our super fast 72hr thanksgiving in San Diego, seeing Mackelemore and Ryan Lewis, and getting into the Christmas spirit.  And I talk about Lighting Up the Dark!

And we’re officially full circle.

I haven’t really wrapped my head around 2014 yet but I think my biggest focus is going to be on being brave this year.  Because I think being brave can really encompass it all.  Brave people are strong enough to be kind to others because they are secure in themselves.  Brave people are happy because they don’t focus on fear or sadness.  Brave people change the world because they take risks.  Brave people have sadness and hard times but they know how to work past it.  So I think this year, this is the year for Bravery.

So in 2014, my friends, I wish you joy and love and light.  But most importantly – I urge you to go out there and be bold, be kind, be courageous, BE BRAVE!  You deserve it, and the world deserves the brave you.

Be Brave!

Love to you all!

Sarah

My Brave face!

Blue (boo hoo) Cheese

Bring on the sushi and the deli meat and all the soft cheese you can think of.  I'm going to guzzle caffeine and alcohol and I'm going to like it.  Right now I'm sitting on the couch drinking a rum and diet coke and eating raw cookie dough with a side of sashimi (I'm really not but I could if I wanted to).  So there pregnant people, SO THERE.

It's fine, we don't want any babies up here anyway.  I mean why would we?  They aren't cute or snuggly or life-fulfilling or anything, right?!  You hear me Universe?  Don't you send me those babies because I'm too busy eating my blue cheese undercooked burger.

Ugh.

I'm having a hard time these days trying to figure out that perfect little balance of optimism and realistic expectations and attainable goals.  Is it too much to ask to get pregnant and finally finally get some babies up in here?  Maybe it is.  Maybe I've got to stop asking and start letting it all go with the flow.  But we all know how well this little control freak does with the letting go.

Lately I'm grasping for signs.  Signs that my body can work the way its supposed to (it appears that with a few medications it definitely can), signs that I'm making the right adulty choices, signs from God that I'm in the right place, signs that fat rolly polly babies are in my future.  I have a cramp - that's a sign!  I saw a baby and didn't burst in to tears - its a sign!  My mom dreamt I was pregnant - definitely a sign. I'm hungry, i'm tired, i'm emotional, i'm happy - signs signs signs.  Perhaps the problem is that it appears the signs are in another language.  One I clearly don't speak.  In fact I'm pretty sure the signs are in hieroglyphics and I don't have the key...no way to translate them.

So I've decided to stop praying for signs and instead start praying for clarity and patience and peace.  I'm the queen of telling other people that "things will work out" that there are "divine plans for all of us" that things will always "come to pass as they should"  and yet I'm clearly not honoring that belief myself.

So I'm making a change.  This month we're letting it all go and in turn letting it all come.  I'm going to be more gracious, more patient, more loving and more open.  I refuse to let the pessimism take me over - because I'm pretty sure that's not doing me any favors - and it's just not me.

I will be a mother.  Some day.  Some how.

And until then.....

Blue cheese sushi baby!

Now you can have a REAL marriage.

This week my life changed forever.

Sounds dramatic right?  And it has been a pretty dramatic week for the LGBT community and really everyone.  But this is really the first time for me that a legal change has changed my every day life.  The striking down of DOMA and the overturning of Prop 8 have a dramatic affect on my life - especially because SP and I live in California.  

And to really seal the deal the stay was lifted WAY earlier than anticipated and California started marrying people TODAY! and not 25 days later (which is what we all were originally planning on).

And then I heard the comment from a family member - now you can have a real marriage.  They meant it as a kind gesture and I took it as such but it definitely got me thinking.  Was my marriage fake?

While I definitely cried when the news came out and was gloriously happy at the ability to finally have my marriage recognized under the law, it didn't change my marriage at all.

My marriage happened even before my wedding last September.  It happened when we decided that we were each other's forever.  When we decided we were in it for the long haul. When our lives and hearts were intertwined forever through secret promises made laying in bed, just the two of us.

So don't get me wrong.  This was an amazing victory for our country.  I am so so proud that our lawmakers and politicians are finally starting to do the right thing (I also think its RIDICULOUS that we're STILL talking about this but that's another story for another time)  But my marriage is already real.  And I'm loving married life let me tell you what.  I was meant for marriage.  I was meant to be dedicated to my soul mate.  I was meant to be a one woman woman (har har)  

But don't think we won't be running down to the clerk's office next week to get our marriage license.  Because we most DEFINITELY will.  Because even if I know my marriage was real, is real and always will be real, I REALLY want that real marriage license.  The one that is not only recognized by my state but also by my country.  How great is that to say?  Pretty dang great!

Wherein I drink the NYC Koolaide

SP and I spent the last week in New York.  First in the middleofnowhere New York visiting my Grandma (she's 93!) and other relatives.  And then onto NYC.

3 Generations

The "Grand Canyon" of the East

It was a touch on the cold side in Western NY

The dichotomy of the 2 places, I can't even explain.  First the country - cold, rolling with space, and full of human connection (aka I'm related to half the town my grandma lives in)  And then the city, shiny and gritty and bustling beyond belief.  I thought I would hate it.  I mean, I'm no country bumpkin - I don't really like the nature on me and I definitely don't like being too far outside of "civilization" for too long.  But I'm not a city girl either.  I'm pretty clausterphobic (fun fact), I don't like to be in big crowds where I feel like I can't escape, I always look for an exit (I count the rows to the exit in an airplane...do you see an OCD pattern here)  So New York City, while inviting in its vibrancy, I wasn't sold.

Until I got there.

You guys.

I'm in love.

SP and I spent the first day there wandering around Central Park.  Which was bursting with spring and busting at the seams with city dwellers who couldn't get out of their apartments fast enough.  The people, the sunshine, the pretzels from a cart.  Love.  Smelling in the fresh, crisp air, and the flowers and the people.  I could sit in Central Park and people watch for the rest of my life.  Perfection.

I also apparently was on a mission to eat my way through the city's italian restaraunts.  We started with dinner at Patsy's.  Love again.  The pizza.  Heaven.  And a caprese salad with heirloom tomatoes the size of my head.  Did I say Love yet?  We wandered through the city and ate a cupcake at Crumbs.  And as the sun set we headed for Ground Zero.  Did you know that you have to pay to see the memorial?  What kind of bull honkey is that?  I can't think of anything tackier than paying to see a memorial.  I didn't like it one bit.  But the new world trade center tower is gorgeous.  Sleek glass and its going up quick.  Most of all though, I loved this one firefighters memorial we found.  Unassuming.  On the side of the building.  Touching, important and there as a reminder for all (not just those who buy tickets)

Tired people on the subway

Firefighters Memorial

New WTC

When I died and went to Heaven at Patsy's!

We slept hard that night and the next day we went to Carnegie.  SP's aunt is an Opera singer.  Like a famous one.  So we got the backstage tour.  The dressing rooms, the stage, the rehearsal with a chorus the size of my graduating class (well maybe half)  It was overwhelming.  The music is so large.  It just fills you up.  And that building is beautiful.  We trecked all over the city that day.  Determined to continue my pizza consumption we headed to Eataly.  I'm pretty sure Eataly is heaven on earth.  Its like Italy in a building.  Markets and restaurants and people speaking Italian.  We ate a cheese plate and a pizza straight out of a woodburing stove in front of the bar we ate at.  L.O.V.E  That second day took us to every conner of the city.  Bryant park.  The library (mixed with Eataly this would ACTUALLY be my heaven)  It was like a book nerds paradise.  The architecture.  The volumes and volumes of books.  We saw grand central station and hit up Union Square for a walk through the farmers market and a sit in the sun and some more people watching.  It was glorious.  That night we got to see a real preformance at Carnegie hall.  And as we sat in our box (perks!) high above the stage and the music swelled and filled the hall I promptly burst into tears.  There are no words to describe that transcendent feeling when the music takes you.  It sounds cheesey and stupid - but for me its true.  It takes me away and my senses are overwhelmed.

 Oh Hello NYC, my lover..

Bryant Park - we Fancy HUH?

Eataly & Feet?

 Heaven Part II: LIBRARY

The next day we picked up our tired bones and headed into the city again to let her punish our feet and fill us up again.  We walked around the adorable adorable Village (please can we pick up a block and put it in the CA sun?) and had a beer at a hilarious mexican food place with a half a taxi in it.  We saw stinky dirty times square (skip it...)  and ate pasta (maybe I'm Italian?) on Columbus Avenue.  And then Newsies on Broadway - because I hadn't had my mind blown enough by the City yet.  While the music was no carnegie hall, the dancing was off the charts.  And I love me some good dancing.

Oh the Cuteness...I die.

View from THE VIEW

And then I was spent.  And completely and totally overtaken with I-want-to-move-to-new-york-city-itis.  I went so far as to innocently (?) look at housing prices.  HAHAHA.  And then reality hit me hard.  $10,000 out of pocket to get into an apartment the size of a postage stamp.  Astronomical cost of living.  It SNOWS for goodness sake.  The clouds and the grit and the hustle and bustle.  And the stress.  I'm not sure I could hack it (or would want to).

But NYC in the spring with millions of dollars....

It's nice to sip the koolaide occassionally and dream a little dream of a different life.

Why Tonight (Or The End Of June...) Will Be Momentous For Me.

Prior to getting illegally married to SP, I always did my own taxes.  Turbo tax was pretty self explanatory and I don't make enough money or own enough property or valuable things to make it complicated.  Fill in the blanks.  Get tax return.  (or pay that one HORRIBLE year when all my paperwork was messed up)  This year SP and I took one look at the laws regarding filing taxes as Registered Domestic Partners (RDP) - the gay version of marriage in CA right now - and knew there was no way that we could file our taxes accurately.  And yet, we still don't make a lot of money, we don't own a house, or have children.  So, in reality, we should be able to file together no problem.  And still.  No.  Dice.  So we paid (some really nice people) a decent chunk of our tax return to file our taxes for us.  So that we wouldn't do it wrong.  So that we wouldn't be audited and have it cost us even more of our hard earned money. 

As many of you know SP and I want babies.  The other day I was thinking about what would happen if something happened to either one of us during labor/delivery.  What if there was an emergency?  Would we have a legal right to one another?  Would our families allow us to visit?  Who would get the baby should something terrible happen (premature I know but these thoughts, they come)  What if one of us becomes disabled?  Or hurt?  Or god forbid - Killed.  What if we win the lottery or lose all of our money.  Will we have any legal obligation to one another?

If you've met us, if you've seen us together - you know we love each other.  I can see the love in SP's eyes every day.  I know that we will fight for our illegal marriage no matter what the government or mean spirited people say about us.  We already fought to get here.  We've been tested.  Being Married, legally, it means something.  It holds weight with others.  Because no matter how deep our commitment to one another, no matter how hard we love one another - some people they need a piece of paper to give us what we know we have already earned.  Just by being us and in love.  But on top of the fact that it means something socially.  It means something legally.  And those what if's and tax issues above, those are things that plague SP and I on a regular basis.  And that sort of thing...legalese and hoop jumping...that shouldn't color your marriage.  Because let's be honest, marriage is plenty hard on its own. 

Today many people are wearing red or changing their facebook photos to the red human rights equal sign to show their support for marriage equality in this country.  The solidarity has been surprisingly touching.  I truly hope that future generations will walk through this world with very different lenses - ones that aren't shaded by sexual orientation and gender norms, and discrimination.  And I am reminded that I'm lucky to be alive in history and to stand on what I believe to be the right side of history.   

Remember when separate wasn't equal before?  Just sayin. 

Fingers Crossed.