On the Relentlessness of the Day to Day

The thing is...all of this is hard sometimes.

You aren't supposed to say that when you've struggled to bring your life to exactly where it is. But its the truth. 

I have an amazing life. An amazing wife. Two amazing babies who are smiley and squishy. I love it all.

But...

The nights are short. The time disappears faster than I can count. There is poop and dirty dishes and laundry and 40+ hours of work each week. Weekends are filled with other people's events. And maybe a little bit of meal prep. And laundry.  Never ending laundry.

It's a good kind of tired and a good kind of busy. But I don't think that means I don't get to say every once in a while that it's really really hard. I miss my wife - even though I see her every day. But we are so fully and completely dedicated to the little lives in front of us that we are sometimes ships passing in the night.

It's hard to find the moments to just stop and recognize the joy in all of it. It's hard to function on 5ish hours of sleep every day. It's hard to leave my sweet cheeks with someone else each day and try to care about the other adults in front of me when all I'm thinking about is loving on my little squishy and playing with my big kid. 

And on top of that, every day there is a new horror happening on the world stage. Things that legitimately catch my breath in my chest. Babies being ripped out of their parents arms.  An utter disregard for the lives of people of color.  A turning back of so many moments of progress for women and education and safety and and and...

Today I told my friend that my soul was tired.  And I really feel that way right now.  Drained personally, drained professionally...just drained.  She asked me if I had "resistance fatigue." And yes, I do think that's part of it.  While I am relatively well protected in my personal bubble of education and class and geographic location, I still inhabit a marginalized identity every day.  And while I'm (mostly) happy and settled and proud in that space, I still worry (now more than maybe ever before) what that means for my babies.  Are they safe in this world where gay people are slowly but surely being stripped of their people-ness?  

So yes, that.  And just the relentlessness of the every day.

There is so much guilt surrounding saying out loud that things are hard sometimes. I'm not sure why. Saying things are hard doesn't detract from or negate the good things that we also acknowledge. Saying that things are hard sometimes is simply honoring that everything isn't always unicorns and rainbows and sparkles.

The truth is...it's ok to be not ok.  At least, that's the truth for right now.

I love you my people.  You are the bright spots.  Take care of you!

 

Baby Picklebean emperor of smiles and squishes and cuddles

SP & her mini me!

Uh mom?! What are you doing?!

Arrivederci 2017

Arrivederci 2017

2017 had a lot of darkness. But it had one brilliant bright spot. In June our sweet boy joined our family and we lit up and stretched and grew in so many ways. 

And while I wrote less than ever this year here is where we were in 2017:

January

I turned 31 and spent the day with my darling girl. I was past the 1st trimester and finally not feeling like death. I hit 20wks this month!

February 

Our little girl turned 2! And suddenly was an enormous full sized kid. She continues to light up our lives with her laughter and smiles.

March

We took a babymoon to Catalina and it was amazing! Just me and SP getting pampered and hanging out in the beautiful sunshine! I also went to a work conference and had dinner in bed like a real pregnant lady. I hit the 3rd trimester and got diagnosed with gestational diabetes.

April

Just got bigger and bigger! Had the first Easter that baby girl sort of understood.

May

Got really really big.  Kept waiting for baby to come...not so much

June

Made it all the way to 40wks.  Which almost never happens with gestational diabetes.  Was induced on my due date - long story short, this kid did NOT want to come out.  Induction lasted 3 days/nights and ended in a c-section. (Birth story still to come I swear!)  On the 12th at 10pm this kiddo finally joined our family.  After 5 days in the NICU we all made it home!

This is 40wks to the day, right before leaving to be induced!

July

Just darkness and sleep deprivation.

August

More sleep deprivation. We also go down south to visit the parentals.  Babes first time in the ocean! We make it to the 2 month mark!

September

It is insanely hot where we live.  We go stay in a hotel and it's the best stay-cation ever!

Laughed for the first time on 9/1/17!

October

SP goes on a weekend away with her mom.  I survive a full weekend alone with both kids!  

I also go back to work and live to tell the tale.  It's a rough transition but it's good to be back.  And luckily it's a pretty good transition.  

I'm finally coming out of some pretty intense postpartum anxiety (again, another story that is coming).  We celebrate LB (little Boy's) 1st Halloween.  LG (little girl) is super into it once she realizes people are going to give her candy. She asked to be a dragon this year.  It was amazing and we obliged!

November

5 mos with LB!  He is a smile monster!  He loves his sister.  He loves to eat and is a chunky monkey.  We celebrate thanksgiving.  I remember that Thanksgiving 2016 I was finishing up some really painful shots in my rear end.  LB is totally worth it!

December

I decide to do Blogmas - I think it's mostly a success (?!) LG is in love with Christmas!  We go to my parents and it's fabulous how excited LG is about everything Christmas related.  In fact even today she asked if she could see santa.  And we're full circle!

So that was the year.  Basically a big blur - especially the last 6 mos.  And a lot of it was really really hard.  But there were clearly some beautiful moments as well.  So 2018 what will you have in store, that is the question. I've been racking my brain to try to figure out what I want to focus on this coming year and I've come up with a couple of things:

1) Showing up.  Putting my body, mind, and soul where my mouth is.  Along with my dollars and votes of course.  I need to start really calling my representatives and putting myself in protests that I believe in.  I have work to do in being the best ally I can be. And in general I just have a lot to learn even when its scary or sad or hard.  So I think the first step is to just keep showing up and sitting in all the discomfort and fear.

2) Saying no.  I've gotten into a bad habit again where I'm falling into the busy trap.  And where I neglect myself to please others. Some of it is out of necessity (I have kids that have to be taken care of and my needs have to be put aside) and some of it is just a bad case of people pleasing and guilt.  It's ok to say no.  So no no nooooooo! 

3) Be Brave!  It's time to get back to being brave.  To remember that being brave means being vulnerable.  Means being recklessly kind. It means showing up and also sometimes saying no.  It means doing things even when it's hard. It means finding the pieces of myself that seem to be buried. And letting go of things that aren't serving me. It means letting go of perfection and fear and embracing joy and gratitude.  Because just being happy and grateful makes everything enough. 

Much love my friends!  I know 2017 was rough on many (all?) of us personally, politically, professionally etc...  But I think that in 2018 we are going to dig out the good. We're going to love the crap out of each other.  We are going to be our bravest best selves.  We're going to be the heroes of our own lives - and in doing that we're going to give the world exactly what it needs.  

And we're going to be so dang happy.

Be brave my loves, be brave!

I love you!

Blogmas 2017 - Vol. 24 (?)

In which I make no excuses 

Here's the thing - clearly I dropped the proverbial ball all over the place with blogmas this year. But at least it had its intended affect - I wrote things! Yay! 

The other thing is that I've just been too busy living the last couple of days to write. But here's the general run down.

Hang out with fam

Eat cookies

See Christmas lights

Eat cookies

Snuggle babies 

Eat cookies

Watch cookie shows

Eat cookies 

Wrap presents 

You get the idea...

It has been so nice to just sit in the sun and soak up some time with the kiddos and the parents and the brother/uncle.

And now we only have a few more days - so we will be spending it in a cookie induced coma I'm sure. 

And now a pictorial representation...

Merry Christmas Eve my friends! I hope you are spending it with folks you love - soaking up every minute!

Blogmas 2017 - Vol. 20

On Good Enough 

So clearly I dropped the proverbial ball for a couple days there... I thought about trying to make up the days but honestly these days I can only do what I can do.

Recently we sent out Christmas cards. I was lamenting to my mother that I couldn't get it together enough to write a letter this year. But I did get cards with pictures on them. And she said to me "good enough... our family motto" 

And it really is my motto lately! And you know what I think that's just fine. Little girl only ate fruit for dinner - good enough. Babies only got showered once this week - good enough. Only a few Christmas decorations up this year - good enough. 

The truth is everybody is still happy. My sweet kids love every little thing and don't know any different. I like everything more because I'm not stressing about every detail. 

Sometimes good enough really is good enough!

Ps - flew alone with the kiddos today. Little girl watched 2hrs of Mickey and ate a metric ton of gummy bears... good enough!

Blogmas 2017 - Vol 11

Santa's Whistle Stop Adventure

On Saturday we had a seriously magical afternoon!  It was a reminder of how joyful and wondrous the little things can be through the eyes of a child. 

We found a small town train-let (ie tiny train) that you ride for a like a good 4mins into a cute little place where they had small crafts, cookies, cider and a cute little santa. The beauty of the hokey small town-ness was that we waited for nothing.  We jumped on the sweet train, got right where we were going, and Mr. Clause was  immediately available. It was just the right amount for a 3yr old attention span!

We were lucky to have SP's parents (Mammu and Grandpa) join us!  Little girl LOVED all the sweets and snuggles.  And tolerated sitting next to Santa.  There was not a chance in you know what that she was going to actually sit ON his lap though - maybe next year.

Getting her candy cane...Yes You Can say BRIBE

Somebody else was just fine w/Old St. Nick!

After Santa time and a major sugar high we headed to dinner to celebrate Mammu's birthday!  It was nice and early (like 4:30) and it was perfect.  No rush, no stress, no muss no fuss.

Just a wonderful day.  Life is beautiful ya'll!

Happy Christmas!

Blogmas 2017 - Vol. 9

For My Light

Dear SP,

This life...I think we can agree that it is C to the razy!  But how lucky am I to have found my most perfect co-pilot?!  We drive each other totally bonkers in the best way possible.  You know just how to make me laugh (Whatever whatever).  You know just how to push my buttons (click those nails one more time...)  You know just how to lift me up, how to make me feel beautiful, and how to calm down my anxiety.

It feels like our lives have been on speed the last 8 years.  Graduations, babies, houses, weddings, babies, dogs, apartments, travel.  I know that sometimes it feels like we don't have a moment to breathe.  And sometimes I know we put ourselves and our marriage at the absolute bottom of the list.  But thank you for running every race with me and climbing every mountain.  For celebrating every moment and every victory.  And for hanging on and fighting and fighting and fighting.

I know that it's going to be another banner year - because apparently this really IS just how life is.  But I couldn't ask for a better partner, cheerleader, and friend to travel this twisty road with.

I love you my darlin.  Forever and always and all ways!

XOXO
Muffin Pants