On the Relentlessness of the Day to Day

The thing is...all of this is hard sometimes.

You aren't supposed to say that when you've struggled to bring your life to exactly where it is. But its the truth. 

I have an amazing life. An amazing wife. Two amazing babies who are smiley and squishy. I love it all.

But...

The nights are short. The time disappears faster than I can count. There is poop and dirty dishes and laundry and 40+ hours of work each week. Weekends are filled with other people's events. And maybe a little bit of meal prep. And laundry.  Never ending laundry.

It's a good kind of tired and a good kind of busy. But I don't think that means I don't get to say every once in a while that it's really really hard. I miss my wife - even though I see her every day. But we are so fully and completely dedicated to the little lives in front of us that we are sometimes ships passing in the night.

It's hard to find the moments to just stop and recognize the joy in all of it. It's hard to function on 5ish hours of sleep every day. It's hard to leave my sweet cheeks with someone else each day and try to care about the other adults in front of me when all I'm thinking about is loving on my little squishy and playing with my big kid. 

And on top of that, every day there is a new horror happening on the world stage. Things that legitimately catch my breath in my chest. Babies being ripped out of their parents arms.  An utter disregard for the lives of people of color.  A turning back of so many moments of progress for women and education and safety and and and...

Today I told my friend that my soul was tired.  And I really feel that way right now.  Drained personally, drained professionally...just drained.  She asked me if I had "resistance fatigue." And yes, I do think that's part of it.  While I am relatively well protected in my personal bubble of education and class and geographic location, I still inhabit a marginalized identity every day.  And while I'm (mostly) happy and settled and proud in that space, I still worry (now more than maybe ever before) what that means for my babies.  Are they safe in this world where gay people are slowly but surely being stripped of their people-ness?  

So yes, that.  And just the relentlessness of the every day.

There is so much guilt surrounding saying out loud that things are hard sometimes. I'm not sure why. Saying things are hard doesn't detract from or negate the good things that we also acknowledge. Saying that things are hard sometimes is simply honoring that everything isn't always unicorns and rainbows and sparkles.

The truth is...it's ok to be not ok.  At least, that's the truth for right now.

I love you my people.  You are the bright spots.  Take care of you!

 

Baby Picklebean emperor of smiles and squishes and cuddles

SP & her mini me!

Uh mom?! What are you doing?!

Arrivederci 2017

Arrivederci 2017

2017 had a lot of darkness. But it had one brilliant bright spot. In June our sweet boy joined our family and we lit up and stretched and grew in so many ways. 

And while I wrote less than ever this year here is where we were in 2017:

January

I turned 31 and spent the day with my darling girl. I was past the 1st trimester and finally not feeling like death. I hit 20wks this month!

February 

Our little girl turned 2! And suddenly was an enormous full sized kid. She continues to light up our lives with her laughter and smiles.

March

We took a babymoon to Catalina and it was amazing! Just me and SP getting pampered and hanging out in the beautiful sunshine! I also went to a work conference and had dinner in bed like a real pregnant lady. I hit the 3rd trimester and got diagnosed with gestational diabetes.

April

Just got bigger and bigger! Had the first Easter that baby girl sort of understood.

May

Got really really big.  Kept waiting for baby to come...not so much

June

Made it all the way to 40wks.  Which almost never happens with gestational diabetes.  Was induced on my due date - long story short, this kid did NOT want to come out.  Induction lasted 3 days/nights and ended in a c-section. (Birth story still to come I swear!)  On the 12th at 10pm this kiddo finally joined our family.  After 5 days in the NICU we all made it home!

This is 40wks to the day, right before leaving to be induced!

July

Just darkness and sleep deprivation.

August

More sleep deprivation. We also go down south to visit the parentals.  Babes first time in the ocean! We make it to the 2 month mark!

September

It is insanely hot where we live.  We go stay in a hotel and it's the best stay-cation ever!

Laughed for the first time on 9/1/17!

October

SP goes on a weekend away with her mom.  I survive a full weekend alone with both kids!  

I also go back to work and live to tell the tale.  It's a rough transition but it's good to be back.  And luckily it's a pretty good transition.  

I'm finally coming out of some pretty intense postpartum anxiety (again, another story that is coming).  We celebrate LB (little Boy's) 1st Halloween.  LG (little girl) is super into it once she realizes people are going to give her candy. She asked to be a dragon this year.  It was amazing and we obliged!

November

5 mos with LB!  He is a smile monster!  He loves his sister.  He loves to eat and is a chunky monkey.  We celebrate thanksgiving.  I remember that Thanksgiving 2016 I was finishing up some really painful shots in my rear end.  LB is totally worth it!

December

I decide to do Blogmas - I think it's mostly a success (?!) LG is in love with Christmas!  We go to my parents and it's fabulous how excited LG is about everything Christmas related.  In fact even today she asked if she could see santa.  And we're full circle!

So that was the year.  Basically a big blur - especially the last 6 mos.  And a lot of it was really really hard.  But there were clearly some beautiful moments as well.  So 2018 what will you have in store, that is the question. I've been racking my brain to try to figure out what I want to focus on this coming year and I've come up with a couple of things:

1) Showing up.  Putting my body, mind, and soul where my mouth is.  Along with my dollars and votes of course.  I need to start really calling my representatives and putting myself in protests that I believe in.  I have work to do in being the best ally I can be. And in general I just have a lot to learn even when its scary or sad or hard.  So I think the first step is to just keep showing up and sitting in all the discomfort and fear.

2) Saying no.  I've gotten into a bad habit again where I'm falling into the busy trap.  And where I neglect myself to please others. Some of it is out of necessity (I have kids that have to be taken care of and my needs have to be put aside) and some of it is just a bad case of people pleasing and guilt.  It's ok to say no.  So no no nooooooo! 

3) Be Brave!  It's time to get back to being brave.  To remember that being brave means being vulnerable.  Means being recklessly kind. It means showing up and also sometimes saying no.  It means doing things even when it's hard. It means finding the pieces of myself that seem to be buried. And letting go of things that aren't serving me. It means letting go of perfection and fear and embracing joy and gratitude.  Because just being happy and grateful makes everything enough. 

Much love my friends!  I know 2017 was rough on many (all?) of us personally, politically, professionally etc...  But I think that in 2018 we are going to dig out the good. We're going to love the crap out of each other.  We are going to be our bravest best selves.  We're going to be the heroes of our own lives - and in doing that we're going to give the world exactly what it needs.  

And we're going to be so dang happy.

Be brave my loves, be brave!

I love you!

Blogmas 2017 - Vol.7

On Mommy (Parent) Guilt

Mom guilt is so real life ya'll.  And I feel like when we added little boy to the party it only amplified.  I mean everything amplified because I had a serious case of Postpartum Anxiety (another story for another time).  But now that the proverbial dust has settled the mommy guilt has also settled in hard core.

I love spending time with my kids.  But sometimes they make me crazy. And sometimes I have less than stellar parenting moments because of it.  And then when I get a short break from them I feel bad for leaving them with others.  Or I feel bad for spending any time on myself.  Because there is ALWAYS something else that could be getting done. Laundry, meal prep, cleaning.  ANd for somebody who is pretty self proclaimed type A - the chaos is pretty rough on top of all the guilty feelings.

And then there is the whole working parent thing.  And/or 2 working parent things. And what that means societally, personally etc.  I personally really enjoy my job and I really enjoy spending time with adults. But I also really miss my kids.  But when I'm home with them alone several days in a row I can't WAIT to get back to work where I get to pee by myself and use my brain in a very different way.  And then I feel bad about that. 

I don't know where I'm going with all of this except to say that you mommies and daddies and babas etc out there who are feeling this crushing sense of "I can never give enough in any area of my life" I see you, I feel you, I'm living it. And/or if any of you out there have any strategies for minimizing the guilt - I'd love to hear them.

Because look at these beautiful faces...

...they deserve my best me, and I'm pretty sure the me that feels guilty all the time isn't my best.

Be Brave!

Blogmas 2017 - Vol 6

When you are fertility challenged (we don't like the term infertile) sometimes when you get pregnant it's hard to enjoy it at the beginning.  Sometimes you spend a lot of time being afraid that the other shoe will drop and the dream will go out the window. So there are a lot of things I didn't put out into the world when I was pregnant - but I really want to remember them.  So sorry for all the travels back in time that are coming...

11/21/16

How far along? 11 weeks

How big is baby? Lime

Total weight gain/loss: Up from IVF meds, down since pregnancy; I'm not weighing myself at all honestly.

Maternity clothes? Starting the belly bands/ my pants are a little too small but the maternity pants are a little too bit - its a weird place.

Sleep: I've always been a crappy sleeper. Still true. Peeing at least once in the middle of the night.  And my back side is still pretty sore from IVF injections (that end next week!!!)

Best moment this week: Seeing baby pineapple looking big and like a real gummy bear baby!

Movement: Don't think so - Gas ;)

Food cravings: Ugh nothing, feeling crappy again.  The morning sickness got better around 9wks and now I just feel off all the time again. I eat a lot of toast and pretzels and grilled cheese sandwhiches.

Food Aversions: Eggs and most meat. And a lot of everything else depending on the moment.

Gender: Pretty sure we aren't finding out the SEX until the little thing comes out. I'm guessing we won't find out the gender until they are in their teens ;)

Pregnancy Symptoms:  Morning/ all day sickness. Bloaty/gassy (i'm so cute right now) Headaches on and off. Super tired!

What I miss: Definitely the occasional cocktail. And sushi.  And weirdly I've been wanting salami like crazy lately!

What I am looking forward to: Making it to the 2nd trimester. And finish progesterone in oil shots - because my backside is a war zone!

Upcoming appointments/events: Ultrasound screening appt next week and then midwife appt shortly after.

Milestones: Approaching the end of the first trimester!  Can't believe it!

I think this was actually 6 or 8 wks

There's a baby in there!

He's Earthside! (And I'm Still Here Too!)

Tap Tap Tap.... is this thing on?

Hello Friends!

Well... Apparently I fell off the planet there for awhile... but I've thought of this space often.  I compose blog posts in my head all the time.  And then they get lost in there with the sleep deprivation and the details of every day life with a newborn and toddler.  Oh yeah and a wife.  (and a CRAZY dog...don't worry, cuckoo dog is still going strong)

So what has happened in the last 7ish months you ask?

Oh just a whole lifetimes worth of stuff!

But the most important being that I successfully remained pregnant for 40 weeks and after a very hard labor and somewhat intense delivery our little BOY joined our family!

We've been a family of four for just about 7.5weeks now.  And it has been hard and exhausting and incredible and joyful and just about every other emotion you can imagine.  Our not so little girl has been doing incredibly well adjusting to the roll of big sister.  (Although to be fair, she has definitely been really clingy...)  She loves her baby brother so much.  She comes running through the door after day care each day looking for him!  She likes to give him hugs and bring him toys and talk to him.  She says he talks back...and smiles at her.  And sometimes he really does!

Baby brother (who I believe is going to be called Winston here - as one of my amazing blog friend over at Little Monsters and Mommies says he looks like Winston Churchill...and I kind of agree) is doing pretty well. He's turning into quite a chunk in his 7 week old age.  We struggled quite a bit with colic and probably reflux in the beginning - a rough change from our first born who was a pretty mellow kid.  But he's coming around and we're better equipped after a few weeks.  He really is adorable though, with cheeks for days.  And he's starting to smile - which is amazing because baby girl was NOT a smiley baby!  So I'm really hoping Baby Brother is going to be our chubby smiley kid!

My wife is a champion!  She has been taking care of me and the babies and the furbaby and the house and basically everything else.  The fact that she's still standing after 7 weeks of nonsense - It's pretty incredible!  Newborns are hard on marriage - and we've cried and fought and suffered - but we're most definitely coming out the other side.  And the sunshine on this side of the darkness is DAZZLING.  The future is oh so bright y'all.

I'm doing well, all things considered, I think!  It's been quite a whirlwind of pregnancy and delivery and maternity leave. But as it turns out - my body is the champion of healing (even if it wasn't quite the best at pregnancy/delivery).  And it turns out that I'm still in love with being a mother.  And I still adore my wife and the incredible life we've built.

So that's what's happening over here.  

Birth story to come soon!  Before I forget!  And some updates about this new little nugget that has joined our family.  And maybe a few summer updates before summer disappears (where in the world is the time and this year going?!)

Love to you all!  Glad to be back!

XOXOX
Sarah

And a sneak peak:

 

Light in the Darkness - Aka Goodbye Crappy 2016

Happy 2017 my friends!  

My annual re-cap is a day late and to be honest it hasn't been a banner blogging year for me - especially sparse as of late.  But I have a good reason.

In case you missed the news...

Yep, that's right, little ole me is PREGNANT.  And as it turns out - using a lot of science to create a gayby and then making a human life and managing a toddler and a life really take it out of you.

But, even though I'm terrified for this coming New Year, I'm determined to find the shiny side of this new slate.  So, first a quick recap of my paltry blogging and the highlights of our year and then onto some goals and hopes and dreams for 2017.

So without any further a do... 2016 in a nutshell:

JANUARY
I turned 30!  It turns out that I love 30.  I feel good and settled.  I have a wife I love and a beautiful daughter.  And in honor of being 3 decades SP and I drop baby girl off with my parents and head to mexico for a long weekend.  And it's AMAZING!

FEBRUARY
I suck at blogging but in my defense February is a short month.  Baby girl turns ONE whole year old!

MARCH
I finally get around to blogging about baby girl's First Birthday Bash!  It was a perfect celebration of surviving the first year and thanking those who helped us navigate the incredible roller coaster that is parenthood. And somewhere in Feb/March baby girl starts walking!  A whole new crazy world.  We also did a quick run away to the mountains this month and stick baby girl in the snow...she is less than impressed.

APRIL
I catch up a little bit but the time still keeps flying by.  We have a zoo day with friends and celebrate easter with our little family.  We also throw a bangin baby shower for our dear friends...and just in time because their little one showed up shortly after a tad earlier than expected.  (for the record we are in love with that little nugget - including baby girl who asks for her little friendALL the time!)

MAY
We get a housekeeper and life is so much better.  We still have them come in once a month and it seriously has made a huge difference in my happiness level.  We were also supposed to go camping this month but then we all got hand foot and mouth - joy!  Let me tell you what - hand foot and mouth hurts like a you know what!  Don't recommend it!

JUNE
I finally get my summer bucket list up on the blog - even though I barely did any follow up on it (so much suckiness with the blogging this year!).  We did actually do some of the bucket list - we eventually went camping (end of August), we (aka SP) fixed up our master bathroom, we had several brunches with our friends, I killed my tomato plant... 

June was also secretly when we started trying to make baby number two.  I have a TON of hidden journal entries that I will eventually get around to putting up here.  Let's just say that IVF is no joke and neither is OHSS.  I'm a pro at giving myself shots now...and I'm also a pro at having my blood drawn.

And then Orlando happened.  And the human race broke my heart again.  I still don't have any words to talk about it.  Just tears and sorrow.

JULY
At the end of June my parents came to visit and we took baby girl to a little farm and to visit her uncle (but you know...I wrote about it in July)! And then we rapidly followed that up by heading down south to go to a wonderful wedding and spend a week relaxing. Unfortunately this was also when we found out that our first round of IVF had not worked.  It was a rough roller coaster but it was nice to be distracted by the sun and the sand.  And SP and I snuck off for an overnight alone!  

In July baby girl and I also did swimming lessons.  Which.were.awful!  But I'm still glad we did it.  We continued to lie about trying to add a baby to our family ;)  And we babysat a cute baby! 

AUGUST
I suck at blogging.  I go visit some friends in so cal.  I don't say anything about it on the blog because I suck at blogging.  It is a really much needed weekend with some of my most favorite girl friends.  We also go camping - it is hot as you know where.  We also get to do my first shot for IVF #2 in a tent by flashlight...  However baby girl suddenly decides that she loves the water during this camping trip so that's something.

SEPTEMBER
I suck at blogging.  IVF #2 takes place.  On Sept 21st - International Day of Peace - we transfer one embryo.  A week later I get my first EVER positive pregnancy test after a cumulative 3 years of trying.  I spend September at the doctor and being terrified it won't stick.

OCTOBER
I suck at blogging.  Also morning sickness.

NOVEMBER
The election happens.  And once again - heart break.  I kind of spiraled into a dark sadness after that.  And I continue to suck at blogging.

DECEMBER
I finally feel solid enough to announce to the world that baby #2 is coming in June!  I do still suck at blogging though.  We had a wonderful Christmas at home just the 3 of us and then we jetted off to the east coast to spend a week with my grandparents and parents and brother and aunt.  It was busy but wonderful to see them all.

And then here we are...

So 2017...what are we going to do with you eh?  Well for one thing, I won't be making any specific resolutions because they just don't really work for me.  I do have a few concrete goals and I have an overarching theme to work on this year as well.

My concrete goals are relatively simple:

• Send more snail mail!  Send cards for all occasions (ON TIME - that's going to be the real work)  I love snail mail and I know others love it too.  So here's to stimulating the postal service.
• Read more books.  I've gotten back into it lately, but in general I'd like to spend a little less time tv watching and a little more time feeding my book nerd self.
• Find a faith community.  I really miss church and how it feeds my spiritual self.  I wouldn't call myself particularly religious anymore (I once was) but I desperately miss some of the rituals and I miss the community.  And I miss the focus on serving others and self betterment and overall love.  I'm still struggling a lot with the round peg square hole situation I've been feeling about religion since I no longer attend the catholic church...but it's high time I find something that fills my soul.
• Get in the picture.  I'm the quintessential mom behind the camera.  I want to be in the memories too!  And I want to print more pictures and make more photo books.
• Blog 1x per week.  2017 is going to be a banner year - one way or another. And I want the record.  I miss having the memories down on "paper."  And I miss contributing to the online community.
• Healthy Baby Healthy Mama. Take care of myself and this little one I'm growing!  Get him/her here safely!

Overall this year I think I'm going to focus on Finding the Light.  I have a lot of fears about the darkness in this world.  And thusly it is time to be light and live light!  I want to prove people wrong with love.  I want to find the small joys.  I want to build love and light around me.  I want to make the best of whatever comes along.  A small crack in the darkness is all it really takes to start a revolution.  It is time to love fiercely and fight even harder.

Be Brave, Live Bright!

Love,

Sarah

Why I Let Them See Me Cry

Dear Friends,

Yesterday was a very hard day for me.  I know it was also a very hard day for many of my brothers and sisters across this nation.  

I spent Nov 8th in a haze of hopefulness - assured that love and sanity would win.  I took my daughter to the polls with me - so that she could be part of voting for our 1st woman president.

And then as the night wore on and I sat with my wife in our living room watching the results unfold the tears came with a vengeance. I sobbed into my wife's chest about my fears for our family and our friends and our daughters. I tried to sleep that night, but honestly there wasn't much of that.  

And then next morning, when my alarm went off in the dark, I pried myself out of bed and carried on.  I hugged my sweet darling daughter who delighted in her pancake.  I kissed my wife.  And I let the tears come.  

I pulled it together enough to get my daughter to daycare and get myself to work (although no lie my coworker and I cried on the way to work) But once I got there I just could not hold it together.  The tears and the fears and the feelings they just had to come out.  I knew I needed to suck the tears back in since I had coworkers and faculty and students coming by all day...

But I just couldn't.

And then I decided I shouldn't.

Because in those moments.  I was (and am) legitimately terrified about the outcome of the election.  I needed the people around me to see that this decision, this moment, these feelings were real.  

I am so scared of the country and world we have created.  I am so scared for my daughter and what it means for her to grow up as a girl in this world. And as the daughter of two moms. I am scared for my Muslim friends who have already been living in a place of fear and hatred - that just got exponentially worse.  I am scared for my friends of color who's lives and hearts are in danger every single day - who are being told time and time again that they don't matter. I am scared for my differently-able friends who have to hear a bunch of garbage about PC-ness, who's needs and experiences are being invisibilized. I am scared for my undocumented friends who now constantly fear their families being ripped to shreds.  I am genuinely scared.

And that fear and loss of hope broke something inside me.  This is what many of my friends feel on a regular basis - this disenfranchisement and fear and brokenness. I have not done enough - and for that I am eternally sorry.  Know that I am sitting here with you in this discomfort - I'm leaning into it and learning from it. I'm letting my heart break in hopes that it will grow stronger as each scar repairs it.

See these tears my friends.  Because they are still coming (and likely will for a long time). Tears are not a sign of weakness - but rather bravery.  Tears mean you felt something real and true - and that you let it show.

These tears right now are for grief and fear.  But they won't always be.  Some day (hopefully sooner rather than later) these tear will transform into action.  They will transform into the burning fight that I know is deep down inside of me and always has been (and always will be until we reach utopia). 

So today, you can see me cry.  

Because tomorrow...

 

Tomorrow is for relentless LOVE.

Be Brave!  I love you!