Thursday, July 19, 2018

On the Relentlessness of the Day to Day

The thing is...all of this is hard sometimes.

You aren't supposed to say that when you've struggled to bring your life to exactly where it is. But its the truth. 

I have an amazing life. An amazing wife. Two amazing babies who are smiley and squishy. I love it all.


The nights are short. The time disappears faster than I can count. There is poop and dirty dishes and laundry and 40+ hours of work each week. Weekends are filled with other people's events. And maybe a little bit of meal prep. And laundry.  Never ending laundry.

It's a good kind of tired and a good kind of busy. But I don't think that means I don't get to say every once in a while that it's really really hard. I miss my wife - even though I see her every day. But we are so fully and completely dedicated to the little lives in front of us that we are sometimes ships passing in the night.

It's hard to find the moments to just stop and recognize the joy in all of it. It's hard to function on 5ish hours of sleep every day. It's hard to leave my sweet cheeks with someone else each day and try to care about the other adults in front of me when all I'm thinking about is loving on my little squishy and playing with my big kid. 

And on top of that, every day there is a new horror happening on the world stage. Things that legitimately catch my breath in my chest. Babies being ripped out of their parents arms.  An utter disregard for the lives of people of color.  A turning back of so many moments of progress for women and education and safety and and and...

Today I told my friend that my soul was tired.  And I really feel that way right now.  Drained personally, drained professionally...just drained.  She asked me if I had "resistance fatigue." And yes, I do think that's part of it.  While I am relatively well protected in my personal bubble of education and class and geographic location, I still inhabit a marginalized identity every day.  And while I'm (mostly) happy and settled and proud in that space, I still worry (now more than maybe ever before) what that means for my babies.  Are they safe in this world where gay people are slowly but surely being stripped of their people-ness?  

So yes, that.  And just the relentlessness of the every day.

There is so much guilt surrounding saying out loud that things are hard sometimes. I'm not sure why. Saying things are hard doesn't detract from or negate the good things that we also acknowledge. Saying that things are hard sometimes is simply honoring that everything isn't always unicorns and rainbows and sparkles.

The truth's ok to be not ok.  At least, that's the truth for right now.

I love you my people.  You are the bright spots.  Take care of you!

Baby Picklebean emperor of smiles and squishes and cuddles

SP & her mini me!

Uh mom?! What are you doing?!