It's fine, we don't want any babies up here anyway. I mean why would we? They aren't cute or snuggly or life-fulfilling or anything, right?! You hear me Universe? Don't you send me those babies because I'm too busy eating my blue cheese undercooked burger.
I'm having a hard time these days trying to figure out that perfect little balance of optimism and realistic expectations and attainable goals. Is it too much to ask to get pregnant and finally finally get some babies up in here? Maybe it is. Maybe I've got to stop asking and start letting it all go with the flow. But we all know how well this little control freak does with the letting go.
Lately I'm grasping for signs. Signs that my body can work the way its supposed to (it appears that with a few medications it definitely can), signs that I'm making the right adulty choices, signs from God that I'm in the right place, signs that fat rolly polly babies are in my future. I have a cramp - that's a sign! I saw a baby and didn't burst in to tears - its a sign! My mom dreamt I was pregnant - definitely a sign. I'm hungry, i'm tired, i'm emotional, i'm happy - signs signs signs. Perhaps the problem is that it appears the signs are in another language. One I clearly don't speak. In fact I'm pretty sure the signs are in hieroglyphics and I don't have the key...no way to translate them.
So I've decided to stop praying for signs and instead start praying for clarity and patience and peace. I'm the queen of telling other people that "things will work out" that there are "divine plans for all of us" that things will always "come to pass as they should" and yet I'm clearly not honoring that belief myself.
So I'm making a change. This month we're letting it all go and in turn letting it all come. I'm going to be more gracious, more patient, more loving and more open. I refuse to let the pessimism take me over - because I'm pretty sure that's not doing me any favors - and it's just not me.
I will be a mother. Some day. Some how.
And until then.....
Blue cheese sushi baby!