Friday, February 28, 2014

A Love Letter to You! (Yes YOU!)

Dear Friend,

I love you.

I want you to know a few things, can you spare your ear and your heart for a few moments?  

I want you to know that I think of you often.  Even if we haven't spoken or seen each other in years, even if we have never met in real life, I really do think about you.  I bet you think I don't...but I promise you I do.  I wonder what you are doing with this crazy life.  I wonder if it has been kind to you or cruel.  I wonder if you are fighting.  I wonder if you are lonely or afraid or scared.  I'm sure you are sometimes, because aren't we all?  

I want you to know that I care about you.  I genuinely care if you are ok.  I genuinely hope and pray that good things are coming your way...That you feel loved and happy and full.  

I want you to know that you matter.  That your part in this world is important.  That it means something. That the world will never be the same because you are here.  You are contributing something just by breathing, just by being.  Anything you do on top of that is just gravy, it's just even more goodness the world needed from you.

I want you to know that you are not alone.  You might feel alone right now, you might feel like nobody understands, you might feel like there is just nobody.  But I promise you, those are the demons in your mind talking.  In reality you are loved.  You are in my heart.  You have me. I'm here if you need me. Always, forever.  Maybe there's nothing anybody can do to help, but if I can give you one thing - its the peace of knowing that somebody out there loves you (its me by the way!)

I want you to know that you have changed my life.  In some way you have created change inside of me.  You have affected my very being.  And that is the greatest gift that you can give to anyone - Yourself, to help make someone their true selves.  Thank you for offering me that gift.    

I love you.  I truly do.  And I hope you remember that with every single breath that you take into your beautiful mouth.  Know that you are loved, that you are important, that I am grateful for you. I know you are doing BIG things with your life - keep it up! 

And know that I am here..Loving you!

Your friend,

Sunday, February 9, 2014

72 hours of Denver Love

Back in January, as a little birthday treat (oh yeah…I turned 28 by the way…I don’t think I want to talk about it…)  I flew out to Denver to spend a long weekend with my sister from another mister.  And to feed my soul…and my belly.

I flew from a balmy nor cal to a not quite polar vortex Denver bright and early on a Friday morning.  Mi amiga major picked me up from the airport and we hit the ground running.

We started with a lovely trip to downtown and a walk around the art museum – as they were having a Parisian art exhibition and we know how I feel about Paris.  Although I have to say “The Holy Toaster” may have stolen the show for me.  I mean really, how many kinds of awesome is this?!  And then my friend proceeded to walk me all over downtown.  Literally the whole thing.  I didn’t know I could sweat so much in freezing weather but I definitely did.  Denver is beautiful.  Shiny, cold, bright and pretty hipsterish.  Not the crazy hustle and bustle of say NYC but enough bustle to make you feel like you’re in a city – a city surrounded by some amazing mountain views.  After a trip to a brewery and a jaunt into the Brown Palace Hotel to see the Christmas decorations we went home and I collapsed into sleep.

 Some crazy Art!

My Fav - The Holy Toaster!

Beautiful Downtown Denver

Brewery Tour - yum!

The next day we braved the mountains (as far as we could manage without actually having to drive in snow of course, because lets face it, we’re both from California and we don’t do that nonsense…)  We did however see some adorable mountain towns, hit another brewery, ate some amazing candy and watched people race cars on a frozen lake.  Oh yes, you read that right.  Some crazy people were driving vehicles (at fast speeds) on frozen water.  I was scared enough to walk out onto a frozen lake let alone be on a frozen lake in a giant vehicle.  Oh did I mention that it was also insanely windy.  Like one of the cars BLEW over while it was racing.  It was definitely another adventure.  We ended the night at Red Rocks for some amazing views!

Friends in front of a frozen waterfall

Another brewery, another yum!

So much mountain cuteness

 "Chillin" on the frozen lake!

Crazy ice racers!

I kept looking for Simba!
Beautiful Red Rocks!
Sunday, my final day, was spent eating a delicious birthday breakfast, checking out some of the art district, and lying in bed talking and talking and laughing uncontrollably.  These are the moments that remind you that you’re home.  Even when a little piece of your heart lives far away.  This particular friend and I have known each other since the 3rd grade and have been truly soul-ly connected since middle school – so we’re going on 20years of friendship – most of our lives.  Which is incredible if you ask me.  And it is also the most amazing feeling of being known.  Of being loved.  Of being perfectly me. 

Birthday breakfast doughnut holes!

So Thank You Denver for a perfectly lovely weekend.  And Thank You Diane, for 20ish years of true love and true friendship. I’m blessed beyond measure to know you and to have you walking beside me (sometimes in body and sometimes in spirit) all the time!

My beautiful frozen friend!

And that’s a happy birthday if you ask me!

Thursday, February 6, 2014

The Bravery of Surrender

I stole this picture off the internet and
filtered it to death - so it's not technically mine.  There's that.

I'm a control freak.

You know it, I know it, we all know it.

So as you can imagine, "just letting it all go" is not my forte.  In fact it is panic inducing generally. Which is hard when so much is so very out of your control.  Like my take my hair as a very rudimentary example, you never know what that mop on my head is going to do.  Despite my best attempts to craft it into something gorgeous and sleek its typically a frizzball.  Or the days I want it to be curly its bone get the picture.  It's pretty much an analogy for a lot of my life.  I want to sleep, I have insomnia.  I want to be at peace and I have 596k things going on.  I feel like I have energy to finally do things and  I want babies and I'm left wanting.  I want to be miraculously thin and that's a dream I can keep dreaming. Etc etc etc.    

There is a certain desperation that comes when you continue to realize that so many things wind around you and through your fingertips that are just completely out of your control.  There is also an amazing and beautiful opportunity - to learn to let life happen.  To learn to release your death grip on all the things around you and let them swirl.  There is a chance to test yourself, your strength, the depth of your heart, the connections you've knitted with others.  Because when the tears come, the hands also come.  Out of the darkness comes the love of your friends and family.  The reassurance that all is well.  The simple reminder to turn your face upward and release.  To untie the knots in your stomach and breathe.  There is a reminder that you are not alone - Not ever as the Spirit whispers in your chest in the night as you stare at the ceiling. Again.  And there is a recognition that you are small. And that is a good thing. You are a minuscule sparkle in the eye of this world.  But that sparkle counts.  It means something.  And you can't determine what color your sparkle will be, or where it will be placed, you can simply enhance what you have.  Give what you are.

So this is me, learning to be brave, over and over and over again.  This is me recognizing that I am small and that is a good thing.  This is me recognizing that this is a chance to test my strength, my faith, my hope.  This is a chance to let the brave shine out of me and into this world.  A beacon, a reminder, that I'm here.  That I'm important.  That my path is designed for me alone.  This is me recognizing that its ok to surrender.  In fact its brave to surrender.  It's not giving in, it's not giving up.  Rather its the opposite -its the bravest gesture of love, this letting myself become a wash with the water of my life.  It is an acceptance that my life, in all its flaws, in all its twisty uncontrollable pathways, is perfect, just as it is.  I surrender to that. To my life. To my flaws, to my twisty pathways.  

Because at the end of the day, the whisper of my thumping heartbeat speaks the truth:  All is well, brave one.  All is well.  All is well.  All is well.  All is well.