Wednesday, April 25, 2012

This is not a weight loss blog...

Except for today.

I've never wanted to broadcast my body and eating habits to the internet so I never ever in 1 babillion years considered writing a weight loss blog, but that doesn't mean I couldn't.  I know more about the topic then I ever ever wished.

So Sarah, if you don't want to write a weight loss blog, why are you then indeed writing about weight loss?  Well blog let me tell you why:

1) It is currently consuming a large quantity of my life.  And since this blog is supposed to be about my life it's going in this one(?) time only
2) I think health is important to people and this really is a health post and not strictly a weight loss post
3) I do what I want... so put that in your pipe and smoke it.

But in all reality I am spending a lot of my time these days thinking about (and acting on those thoughts) about health and fitness and not shoving my pie hole full of...well...pie (and/or CHEESE)

I know a lot about weight loss for a combo of reasons including but not limited to the fact that I have been obsessed with body image for a very long and sad period of my life, there's a lot of info out there and I'm a giant nerd who sucks it alllll in, I find body chemistry and nutrition fascinating, and I've probably gained and lost the equivalent of a toddler about 900 times in my relatively short life.

Due to a few factors I've definitely struggled with healthy eating and maintaining a healthy body weight.  And since I'm into lists today here they are in no particular order:

A) I love food
B) I love food
C) I don't find many forms of exercise particularly enjoyable
D) I have a genetic cocktail of issues working against me
E) Oh did I mention that I love food?
F) I'm definitely an emotional eater - and all emotions = food
G) I love food
H) I'm also a boredom eater...urgh
I) I'm 1/2 Italian - nuff said.

So in high school I was really active and generally ate anything I wanted and I was probably really healthy then (minus some of the crap I was putting into my body like nachos)  I'm sure I was probably at a normal body weight also but I definitely thought I was huge.  And it was horrible.  It did not help that my friends were stick thin.  But despite some mildly bad body issues in my brain I survived and loved my life and was healthy and fit.  I was running and swimming and playing water polo.  I'm sure it was my most fit time ever.

And then I went to college.  Where I was so insanely out of my element and was having an epically hard time adjusting to the new places and people as well figuring out who I was.  And there was all that going to class, never sleeping and really bad eating habits that coincide with going to college.  Oh and the fact that I was really not doing any working out.  Needless to say I gained way more than the freshman 15.  After college I got a new job (in the sticks) had some major life changes (a relationship ended) and hit an all time low point.  At the urging of my then boss (and now brother from another mother) I signed up for a 6 week boot camp class.  We started eating only things that were made with 90% cardboard.  We worked out 2 hours a day (I'm not lying 2 whole hours).  And we never went out to eat or drink the booze.  Let me tell you what.  The weight definitely came off.  And I was STRONG.  Like carry essentially my own body weight strong.  But while it was incredibly positive in that I learned a ton about nutrition and I shed some unhealthy weight.  I became also, a woman obsessed.  Like CRAZY.  The meticulous tracking of calories, the weighing myself multiple times a day (or hour), the reclusiveness that ensued from being so overly concerned about eating, the planning and the weighing and measuring.  It was definitely bordering on disordered eating.  And was most definitely a coping mechanism I was using to feel in control of my life that felt out of my (control freak) hands.

Life changed.  It had to.  I went back to school (shocker) and entered into a new relationship (yay SP!)  The stress and change of it all was immense.  Writing a thesis and finishing grad school and then very quickly starting a new job = not a small falling off the wagon but rather an avalanche.  I cried everyday writing my thesis.  And apparently cheese and chocolate were the only answers.  I lost 5lbs in one week when I started my new job because it was so stressful.  But don't worry I counteracted that with another 10+ lbs out of fear and stress eating.  Needless to say that I am back to the place where my body no longer feels strong and healthy.  I'm back in the place where clothes don't fit quite right and all my musclessss are hiding.  And while my endurance is still pretty dang good (I mean I ran an entire 10k just a few weeks ago - i use the word "ran" loosely of course) my strongs are not so strong and my healthies are not so healthy.

And with big (huge) life changes on the future -  you know like weddings and things that start with k and rhyme with bids I want to be the happiest and healthiest me I can be.  So after many discussions with SP about how I can be a healthy me without being an insane person who has no friends and cries because she's hungry. I am now dieting - sort of.  And by dieting I mean eating less than the truckfull I was eating before.  And eating healthier things (like 90% less cheese) and more things that come from the ground instead of out of a plastic package.  I also started another bootcamp class. This one is only 1 hour 3 times a week.  Which I think is more manageable and more realistically sustainable.  That being said.  I started on Monday morning (at 6 F'ING AM) and it is now Wednesday night and I  can only finally just walk up and down the stairs without groaning.  And let me tell you what, the couple of sneezes I had yesterday, were akin to having my stomach cut open while being awake.  But all the pain and awkward limping, its pretty satisfying I'm not going to lie.  The competitive person in me is fighting with myself and making me work hard.  And I'm proud.

Now its been a week of being conscious of what I eat (and to be completely truthful I am watching calories - they have an App for that!).  And I feel so much better already.  I feel proud of myself for my moderation.  I feel proud of myself for the pain in my body that means I'm working it hard.  That means one day I will be carrying those heavy things again.  I feel proud that I am always re-orienting my mind to my health.  To enjoying MY life.  And not focusing on every detail and nit picking my gorgeous body that has given me this healthy life.  Because even though I'm trying to reshape my body I am still so much more than it.  And it is great in every stage.  

So will I be updating my blog every day with my weight loss changes and what I'm eating and how I'm exercising, no.  But I am making some changes.  Making me more proud - and infinitely more sore.  Because I love this life.  Every little bit of it, up and down.  And this life is far too short to make it any shorter with cheese ;)

Here's to me.  

Because I can have my light beer and drink it too!

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