Blogmas Vol.17

On Being the Non-Belly Mama

The funny thing is people have a lot of questions about being the non gestational parent and about not being biologically related to your kid.  I guess I find it funny because to me it is not even close to anything important regarding being a parent.

I mean 1/2 of every couple is a non gestational parent - and nobody asks them if they are ok with it. (and yes I'm being very heteronormative in this statement). But it is one of the most common topics around being a non-belly mama.  So let me set a few things straight:

1) There is no question in my mind that I am Baby Girl's mother. SP and I planned and saved and worked to bring her here. I made almost all of the appointments and did a lot of the money related items. I went to EVERY single appointment. And after baby was born I took her to some of her appointments on my own.

2) It doesn't bother me when people say our daughter looks like SP. Why shouldn't she? I think my wife is beautiful (obviously!) why wouldn't I want my daughter to look like her? Does it get obnoxious when that is the ONLY thing people can point out - honestly yes. Because it's like what are you trying to prove? We know she's biologically related to SP. And just for the record, when I'm alone with Baby Girl, people swear up and down she looks like me. The mind is an amazing fake out artist.

3) I am not lacking. There is nothing SP can give her that I can't. I could have induced lactation if I wanted to (I chose not to) but even so, there are plenty of babies that are fed with formula and they are just fine. And I'm pretty sure that's the least important part of parenting - as long as they are healthy and fed, the rest of it is what matters. She doesn't ever need her "real" mother over me.

4) I am her REAL mother. Don't ever suggest or say anything otherwise. Because it is untrue. I am here. Day in and day out wiping butts and noses and doing laundry. I love her and teach her and feed her. I play with her and dress her and care for her. If that's not a real mother, I don't know what is. She takes up every space in my heart (except for a few small spaces reserved for SP and the rest of my family...and crazy Kori)

5) It actually doesn't bother me if you ask who carried her. How you react matters though. If you ask in a kind and interested way so that you can learn more - good for you. If you ask because you need to know who her "real" mother is - we're going to have words.

6) Yes, I am bonded to my daughter. I bonded with her possibly faster than my wife. I don't want to speak for my lovely wifey but when baby girl was born, SP was pretty roughed up. I on the other hand, while exhausted, was able to focus solely on our new little soul. And I had been talking to her and waiting for her and dreaming of her. I was there to cut the cord, and hold her hand while she got weighed, and cleaned and got shots. The moment I saw her, it was all over. My heart was outside my body forever.

7) Yes, I would like to be a belly mama one day. I want to have that experience myself. But here's the caveat - if for some reason, it doesn't work out and we can only have babies carried by SP or carried by another mama - I will STILL be a REAL mother. Because however my babies get to me, whatever paths they take, they are MY babies!

So there you go, that's my experience thus far being a mother. I'm sure my experience will adjust and change with time. But either way - this is my girl, my dream baby!

Merry Blogmas!

Sick Day Selfie

Dear Baby Girl - Vol. 2

Dear Baby Girl,

It's been awhile since I wrote to you - sorry about that.  It turns out that you take up A LOT of my time.  And yet there is never enough.  There is never enough time to snuggle you, or play with you or hold you.  I don't even mind changing your diapers all the time because it's another few mins we get to hang out.  And you always laugh as you wiggle around and try to eat your feet.

You're almost 7 months now sweet heart and I can't believe it.  You are one big baby girl - 17lbs 5oz at your last check up and your'e in the 98th percentile for height - you are going to be one tall chica! You're eating up a storm these days. Although every time we introduce a new food you definitely think we're trying to poison you. I know mashed peas taste like crap baby but apparently this is the kind of stuff we're supposed to expose you to. The faces you make when you try something new are the absolute best, most hysterical things I've ever seen. I especially like when you pretend like you're gagging. You've decided some food isn't poisonous though - sweet potatoes and carrots seem to be on the acceptable list.  Banana is borderline.  Peas are definitely a no-go.  You'd really prefer to feed yourself and I think you don't like mashed foods so we are toying with the idea of "baby led-weaning." Mama however is really terrified of you choking...so we'll see how that progresses. 

You've also most definitely found your voice these days.  Mom calls you a baby pterodactyl. I love to hear your babbling and shrieking,  You only say mamamama when you are mad so I'm not so sure we can count it as your first word.  Sometimes you scream so loud that the poor dog cowers or cries.  When you wake up in the morning or after a nap you just babble away until someone comes to get you.  Most of the time you are a very low key baby (things you should never type out 101).  You play by yourself, you let us snuggle you up, and you are smiling like a big old cheese ball these days.

Lucky for you Grandma and Grandpa came to visit for a week recently.  Youre Uncle also came to play with you.  You were the center of attention for 1 whole week and you ate it up.  You loved reading books with grandpa and cheesin at grandma.  And you love to pull uncle's hair and grab his nose and feel his beard.  And they all seem pretty smitten with you too.  Although grandma and grandpa keep telling us how lucky we are that you're so good natured...I don't know, I think we can take some credit for that can't we?! ;)

I love you so much baby girl, I can't even believe it.  How can my heart possibly take any more? Every day is a new and beautiful discovery for you.  The smallest things are funny or interesting to you - thank you for giving us that window into this wondrous world we live in.  Your mom and I, we just can't believe we are lucky enough that you chose us to be your parents.  Thanks for making us an even more beautiful family!

Love,
Mama

Grandpa and Grandma and Baby Bean!

I'm Gay - Why I Miss Being Catholic

Let me start this off by saying I do not hate the Catholic church.  I was never mistreated by anyone in the Catholic Church directly.

In fact I have overwhelming amazing memories of growing up in my home parish.  I found immense joy in my youth church community.  And participating in my church grew not only my faith, but my person as well.  I think an incredibly large part of who I am is due to what I learned from the Catholic church as well as from the people I met there - who, while human, were overwhelmingly good, kind, loving people doing nothing more than trying to love one another and make the world a better place.  And as I've stated before I think everyone should be part of a community like that - one that is focused on generosity of spirit and faith in things outside themselves.

And while I think I've found a pretty fantastic church home (Where "All really does mean All" are welcome) I specifically miss the Catholic church.  I miss the beautiful rituals and the smell of the incense.  I miss the rhythm and the cadence of the mass.  And the way the congregation becomes one as they say the same prayers and sing the same songs.  I love the transformative moment when the priest stands at the altar and communes directly with God, reminding us of the bigger picture and the sacrifices that were made for us.  I miss the kneeling and the reverence and being forced outside of yourself for a moment.

On top of that there is a good majority of my family history that is tied into the Catholic Church and my heart aches sometimes when I think that my children will not be baptized into the Catholic church - that they will not be accepted into the gorgeous churches that I grew up revering.  That my daughters will not dress in white and make their first communion or stand in front of their congregations and confirm their beliefs.  That they will not be held up by the saints and angels that I have prayed to for the past 28 years.  Will they know the prayers I whisper when I can't sleep and know the beauty of rosaries beads that are not just a necklaces?  Will they sing the familiar hymns and know the beauty of kneeling in silence in a wash of gratitude?

It all makes me desperately sad, beyond measure.  Not that I don't feel the spirit move.  I do.  I know there is a plan for my life.  There is a divine twisting road that I do my best to follow.  And more importantly, I believe God is in the love.  He is in the meal I buy the homeless person on the corner.  He is in the hug I give to a troubled friend.  He is in my marriage and the sweetness we share.  He is in my family, who un-endingly loves me, flaws included.  He is in the reassuring words I give to my students.  That spirit of love and kindness and true, pure beauty swirls around me.  

But it's still really hard, even after all this time.  Even after all the conflict I always felt going to church even before being gay became an issue (I was always sort of an independent thinking Catholic) 

I still feel a disconnect.  I still feel a longing.  And I don't know if it is the missing of the familiar or what but I know it's there.  A small hole.  Right in my heart area.

But today isn't about that hole.  It's about being in "the love."  It's about recognizing that I am a unique creation in this universe (and you are too!)  It's about being empowered in the knowledge, that this perfect love...it's what matters in the end. 

One Little Light in a Big World. One More Angel.

Its no surprise to you all that I read a lot of blogs.  And especially now that SP and I are planning on starting a family my reading of lesbian mommy blogs has been out of control.  I don’t know any of these women or their children but I’ve followed their stories and their trials and their triumphs as they succeed in bringing their dreams to this world.

But tonight my heart is incredibly heavy for a child and a family that I never met. 

Today these women lost their child to cancer.

And to this big world it may mean nothing.  But to them it means the world.  I can’t conceive of the crushing weight of losing a child.  It’s unbearable to even imagine. 

And so tonight.  I am sending all of my love and light and everything I have in my heart to these women.  Who today lost their world. 

And this big world lost one little light today.

But we gained one more angel.

Picture Credit Here